Thursday, April 7, 2011

What can Super Nanny do for you?

You know those friends that you know online and think you would be best friends with in real life but you've never actually met?  Well, Lara is one of those friends. 

She is child-free but as you will see has some serious issues with Super Nanny and small children.  I begged her to write me a post for my blog and I LOVED this and laughed hysterically and I hope you will to.

***NOTE:  In her original writing, she referred to the child many times as "it".  I took the liberty of changing that to "he" or "she" randomly even though it was funnier the other way because it reminded me too much of having a malfunctioning robot.

So here it is:

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I don't have kids. I hardly see them. I go to bed at 5am. I am just waking up when you are picking them up from school. Let that sink in for a minute….

My diet is mostly bourbon, I play guitar six hours a day, and get angry when I can’t find my slutty-shoes.

I'm not bragging, though. My life kinda sucks. I found out in my late 20's that I have an auto-immune disorder (it’s genetic, not Super-AIDS). The label on my meds tells me that it "may cause flipper-limbs in fetal mice". I might be able to breed, but it seems risky and mean-spirited given the information I have. Mostly, I am just incredibly poor. I am like Liz Lemon without the high profile tv job. Or any job. For better or worse, the baby-ship has sailed. So why should you listen to me?

Because I am fucking addicted to Super Nanny.

As with everything I do, my tv habits are compulsive. It started with Ghost Hunters. (I'm reassured when they don't find ghosts. It makes me feel safe in basements.) Then came Destination Truth and Paranormal State (are they really still in college?). Having run out of para-normal reality TV, I started watching mega-normal reality TV, mainly Biggest Loser.

Then I panicked. I ran out of shitty reality shows to watch. I grudgingly followed Hulu's recommendation to watch Super Nanny.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing.



It was like mother-fucking Shark Week! World's Deadliest Trainwrecks! Alligator vs. Everything! The amount of shrieking, vomiting, and pool-table punching was worse than every episode of Jersey Shore combined. And these are average families with average toddlers!

I guess I'm not around kids enough to realize that this is normal, typical, kid behavior. My ovaries pretty much shriveled up and died after a half-episode.

Here's what I've incredulously learned from Super Nanny:

1. Kids are advanced manipulators by age 3. "I'll apologize for punching you in exchange for snacks." It's like Lindsay Lohan saying she'll leave jail in exchange for drugs. For real?

2. Your kid wants to control your house. Who doesn't love democracy? Well, three-year-olds, that’s who. The would-be tyrant is 3 feet tall and does not understand mechanics, fire, traffic, or nutrition, and can’t read. I would say he does not get an equal vote.

3. Kids are not idiots. While they lack information about mechanics and traffic, they are still very smart. Too smart…and sneaky. "This food is so yucky I puked. I’m sick" Really? The hidden camera shows the little shit stealing Otter Pops a half hour later. He's not sick. He's not a picky eater. He's not suffering from pre-school anorexia. He knows he can help himself to the freezer as soon as your back is turned, so he makes a show out of barfing casserole!

4. Some parents are unbelievably ghetto. One mom told her kid he "had to go into the mall because kidnappers were waiting in the parking lot." Remember points 1 through 3? They're not dumb; they know when you are lying. This just makes them lose respect and abuse you even more. Acting ghetto just proves they're smarter than you. Now they have a superiority complex!

5. Most parents want their kids to be happy. At all times. It seems obvious since I don't have any heart-strings to pull, no fondness for the patter of little feet; that I am not your kid's friend. I am an adult, and if I am out jogging and I see your kids fucking around on a thinly frozen lake, I will yell at them and tell them to knock that shit off. And then I will continue on, confident I did the right thing. I will be like "I kept that little jerk from drowning to an icy death. He should thank me if he lives to adulthood." I will not hug them or wonder if their feelings got hurt, or if they hate me. But you like your kid. You LOVE your kid. You will always remember your kid as a confused 1 year old in a bunny costume. You get sad when you have to set boundaries; who has the heart to yell at someone in a bunny costume?


This bitch will tell you what the fuck is what.
If there is one thing that anyone can learn from 22 hours of Super Nanny, it's this:

Don't fear discipline. You are not your kid's friend. You are an educator and protector. You have the wisdom to know that pouring ketchup on yourself and shitting your pants at Denny's is not the path to a successful life.

Next time your kid is sadly howling and spitting insults at you, put them in timeout and tune that shit out, and don't feel sad. I know she was a cuddly baby in a cute bear onesie just a few months ago, but right now she is an asshole who is being punished for kicking the kitty in the face.

And when they start acting up, think of them as mini-19 year olds and ask yourself if you'd accept this shit from your college roommate. Because a). your kid will soon be someone's college roommate, and b). they'll still be telling housemates that their cooking is gross and sobbing uncontrollably whilst demanding to sleep in their beds. We all know that guy.

And learn how to do the proper Super Nanny Timeout. I hear that shit is golden.

Lara watches so much reality TV because she stays up late crafting. She has a gorgeous Etsy site called SPIXI  filled with fantastic little items at unreasonably great prices.  Use coupon code MOTHERHOODSUCKS at check-out for 20% off your order.


11 comments:

  1. I love it! What a great follow-up to The Great Bedtime Manipulation.

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  2. I'm pretty sure I just wet myself laughing so hard. Damn kids did THAT to me, too. Assholes.

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  3. i think she is right,kids r too spoiled today,mom and dad want them to have everything so they don;t feel guilty,cause they work.awesome blog Selena.

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  4. Kids really are little assholes, aren't they? This was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

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  5. I loved this one. She is absolutely right. The one thing that didnt change for me when I had kids, was the telling them whats what when they needed to hear it. Sure I love my kids and want them to be happy and all that horseshit, but I also want them to not be the total fuckup later in life who doesn't understand how to accept the real world where noone else gives two fucks about them and what they want. When I was growing up, any adult who caught you fucking up could beat your little ass, and by the time you got home to whine to your parents about how you were mistreated, there was one of them ready to beat you again for being an embarrasment to them.

    I instilled early on in my two boys that you will eat what's on your plate. If I find out there is something they truly dont like, I wont make them eat it again, but they will try it the first time, because there isn't any other damn food to eat other than what I made. You eat that, or you starve. And I'm still the heartless bastard I was in the Army before kids, that I don't care if it makes them cry. It'll only make them hungrier for the next meal, which will probably involve beets!

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  6. Oh, MOOKIE: Men are usually WAAAAY better at the disipline thing. The families on Super Nanny have something in common with my house, and that is that MOM is the one left to do the discipline. Perhaps if we had more than one, or a boy, it would be different. But Lila is "daddy's girl" and he HATES it when she's sad. And I just don't have the energy or the ability to tune her out.

    By the way, you all checked out Lara's Etsy site, right? Because it's gorgeous stuff. And really not expensive!

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  7. What might surprise you Selena, is that their mother came from a matriarchal household and was the real authority. The boys just knew when dad got mad, it was serious shit!!

    I would like to say that if I had a girl, she'd receive the same abusive parenting style I give the boys... then fathers of girls, and quite a few mothers start laughing uncontrollably...so, I pray that if I ever find someone to make another baby with, that it too will be a boy!

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  8. SUPER AWESOME post!!! This is all so true. I work with behavior disordered kids, aged 0-3 (little shits) and I tell the parents this stuff EVERYDAY!
    1. If your toddler is pissed, you're doing something right.
    2. Kids don't hold grudges, don't fear the timeout.
    3. Do you want this behavior, 13 years from now?
    4. They don't grow out of it, they grow into it.

    Seriously. Awesome.

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  9. Holy fuck. I laughed so hard at this post I thought I was going to break something in my brain. Great guest post.

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  10. Love this post! And I feel somewhat prophetic since I was all "I could tell you what Supernanny would say, but you didn't ask" on your other post like the asshole that I am. ;)

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