Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Thank you, captain obvious...

When did shit that is completely obvious become "news"?  Today I opened up my interwebs to find this fucking brilliant headline shocking me to attention:

Parenting can take a toll on health, study shows

Oh, really?  Tell me more!!! 
Health declines, particularly in moms, due to poor diet and less exercise.

My kid's idea of a balanced meal:  all the colors are there!
First off, I am shocked that it took this long for any science-y person to look around and think to themselves, "Is it just me or do mom's seem to age like 15 years in the first 5 years of their children's lives?"  Part of my not really being particularly desperate to pop a baby out had to do with the simple observation that the mothers I saw around me (not including assholes like Angelina Jolie or Kelly Ripa who can pop out 12 kids in 6 months and be back on the beach in someplace like Bali in their bikinis the next month) did not look good.  They were fat.  They were tired.  They looked pale and/or greasy.  In fact, I theorized that that glorious "glow" that pregnant women had was like the big finale at the fireworks show.  They'd never have that youthful vitality again.

Kelly Ripa on her way
home from the hospital
after the birth of her 3rd

So onto the obvious details.  As soon as I had my kid, I lost all ability to function for myself.  When she was a newborn, I never ate.  I certainly never slept.  Hell, I didn't shower. The life upheaval involved in having a baby is as stressful as the death of your former self and no one looks good when they're grieving.  I had a child that I was convinced was probably the Anticrhist because her only goal seemed to me to push me to murder.  She cried non-stop for about 6 months (that's how I remember it).  And the doctors all just said, "it's colic.  She'll out- grow it".  Well you know what?  I didn't.  I never got over it. 

As she got older, she took on the attitude of "if Mommy is standing, then I need to try harder," and her entire purpose seemed to be to wear me out.  From the running around, to climbing all over me, to demanding 4 different drinks because each one was "wrong", to refusing to eat anything I put in front of her, to needing to change her clothes 6 times because of one spot of water, to never sleeping through the night until she was 3; everything she did was designed specifically to make me into a zombie.
Who can exercise when they can barely get out of bed?  And who the hell are these mothers who work all day and come home and find it possible to spend an hour making a nutritious (and organic and meat-free) meal that their kids will just love rather than just throwing a frozen pizza into the oven? 
Fuck those moms. 

More importantly, besides the "news" that this study reveals and common-sense advice (because don't we all KNOW what we SHOULD be doing?) to take better care of ourselves, this article DOES offer one useful suggestion.  Unfortunately, it is buried at the very end of the article and as far as I can tell has not been repeated in subsequent articles that have been posted on the web:

...Berge said she hopes that the results will push health care providers to pay additional attention to parents.

Community initiatives could also be part of a solution, she said.

“You can’t extend the hours in the day, but by working with others in the neighborhood we can make sure that the parents are taking care of themselves, too..."
Shit..If I had a village of nannies (or even just a village of Mommy friends), I am sure I would have more time to shower and exercise and eat well too. 

To me, this "study" was simply a piece of information that serves absolutely no purpose except to remind me of how unhealthy I am.  Because realistically, until my kid goes off to college or at least becomes a bit more agreeable than the pain in the ass preschooler that she is now, I will likely continue to be too emotionally and physically drained to bother with the necessary chores of meal planning, local vegetable buying and hour-long daily workouts that would be required to get me even remotely into a condition that can be considered healthy.

Because playing WII bowling with my kid while chomping on Goldfish crackers is just not going to cut it.


  1. OMGosh this is FANTASTIC!!! Those celebs piss me off..don't even get me started! I slave after my rulers ALL FRICKIN DAY...hubby comes home thinking "bow chicka wow wow" and I just want to slap the smirk right off his face!! And where do you get these "village of mommy friends"? Because I want one too!!

  2. I love this because it is so true. Times your preschooler by three and that is my life. I have been known to get angry at new moms who talk about how hard it is and I think "I had an 8 month old then set of premature twins, and I functioned alone while my husband was off fighting a thoughtless war". I know that all 40 lbs I've gained and gray hair and wrinkles come with the fact that if I even look at a chair or pick up a mug of coffee someone needs something right then and there or their entire little world will crumble at the exact moment I say "hang on one second". It's actually happening right now as I type.

  3. I don't think that people with only one child have no right to complain. Sorry, I don't want people to think I'm a raging bitch.

  4. I have 3 kids. One is seven, one is four, and the last one is 1 year old. It gets easier in some ways, but in other ways it doesn't. Because what you thought was so hard when the first one was a baby, isn't hard anymore. Then what you thought was so hard when your first one was a toddler and a preschooler, isn't so hard anymore. Then, when they're a little older, they start having opinions of their own and the ability to voice those opinions. Not fun at all when they don't have the control not to scream, "I hate you!", growl, and start throwing things because you tell them that it's time to stop watching tv and eat their dinner. Then, the siblings, huh... they throw you for loops because each kid is different, yeah, I know, "Duh." Also, I have two boys, and one girl. The girl is a little drama queen. Throwing her head onto the floor at the slightest dissappointment. I don't look forward to her yelling, "You're ruining my life!" But it looks inevitable. Hopefully the "It gets easier" phrase catches your attention and makes you feel better, instead of the other stuff making you feel worse.

  5. Word.

    What more can any normal person say? You hit all of the most salient points. Motherhood is so unbelievably challenging. A village of nannies... yeah, I want that... but I want good ones, no slackers or grumps ;-)

  6. Awesome post! I agree totally! I am surrounded by a village and yet, I'm still tired! (And now I gotta go and take a nap before the kids get home from school!)

  7. I love this, you summed everything up perfectly....my favorite part is the pic of Kelly ripa!! Lol!

  8. I'm eating brownies (x3) while I read this. That pretty much sums it up, eh?

  9. My kid sounds like a less difficult version of yours, but still plenty challenging, thank you. And the study is right. I was already heavy when I had my daughter, but since then (five years ago), I have gained an additional 40 pounds, developed high blood pressure, and have as-yet unexplained joint pain and a chronic skin condition that no one seems able to identify, let alone treat effectively. My workouts have been sporadic, my sleep deprivation epic, my diet 90% crap (I feed my kid better than I feed myself). And I feel like I'm 70 instead of 41. But motherhood is just so fucking rewarding, isn't it?

  10. Who can exercise when they can barely get out of bed? Not me! My ass is falling, my boobs are drooping and I'm getting wrinkles. I blame it all on the three life-force sucking children I birthed.

  11. Melinda, is that YOU??? And I hate fucking exercising. Not just because it sucks but because I have NEVER experienced that whole "the burn feels so good" bullshit that lunatics talk about. And sometimes I feel like I DON'T have a right to complain, but then I remember that you crazy bitches THOUGHT having more than one was a good idea and I am the smart one, and I feel much better about it all. ;-)


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