Friday, December 23, 2011

Why I (Don't) Love Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and here at my house,
I have one antsy kid and an exhausted spouse.

The baubles keep getting knocked off of the tree
by a fat asshole cat who clearly has a death wish.

 
Fu** this!  Writing poems is actually REALLY hard. How do people rhyme things for a living???

Instead I will expose why people get so depressed in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I know this from VAST experience with the subject...

Ideally:


The tree is big and lush and sparkles perfectly with all the ornaments perfectly spaced.  The house is lightly scented with the aroma of pine and we sit around at night marveling at the beauty of it all.


Reality:


We apparently got our tree too early.  Ben insists on a real tree and even though we watered it religiously, it is drooping and drying out.  The ornaments that looked so perfect when we first put them on are now all sort of grouping together where the heavier ones and pulled the branches down to the lighter ones.  Instead of noting the beauty of the lit-up tree, I am being driven insane by the amount of new needles strewn all over the floor for 30 feet in every direction every time I finish sweeping a pile up. 


............................................................................

Ideally:


Baking cookies, assembling gingerbread houses, crafting heart-felt gifts and doing volunteer work to show how much we love our friends, family and community.



Reality:


Working more hours to have enough cash to buy crap that no one is going to use.  This means that when I have time off all I want to do is sleep, but I force myself to stay awake and manage to complete the basic tasks of running a house with enough time to spare to shower once in a while.  All that other crap will have to wait.

..........................................................................................

Ideally:


In lieu of being able to craft beautiful hand-made items, instead, I go out shopping in a cheerful mood, spreading joy to every store I walk into by wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season, and picking out the PERFECT gift for each person on my list that I just know they will love.


Reality:


Fighting through a bunch of assholes in a store to find that the only thing I could think of to get Ben's mom is out of stock and the next closest model is way out of my price range.  Instead I get a standard, one-size-fits all gift:  a scented candle, and when I get to the register the clerk has had enough of this bullshit and needs a break so she angrily rings up my order without saying a word.  I spend the days until Christmas feeling unsatisfied with every gift I bought and regretting every dime I spent.  At some point while shopping, I also inevitably spend 20 minutes arguing with some asshole in line behind me about the fact that the cashier is part of a huge conspiracy to take the "Christ" out of Christmas, and explaining to him that the Pilgrims actually banned Christmas and that the idea that there is a war on Christmas is fucking stupid.

...............................................................................................

Ideally:


Christmas dinner is a time when everyone in my family and all my aunts, uncles and cousins sit around a giant table with a fireplace in the background and talk about all the wonderful things we have been doing since last Christmas while listening to Christmas music playing softly in the background.



Reality:


Only 4 people show up to Christmas dinner because someone owes someone else money or slept with someone's wife, and so no one is willing to sit in the same room with each other.  An uncle invariably drinks a little too much and starts a fight with my dad over who gets the last serving of chocolate cream pie.  The police are called and the kids cry inconsolably while they watch my uncle get carted away in a police car.

......................................................................................


Ideally:


Lila wakes up in complete awe at the fact that Santa has come and there are heaps of beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree.  Every time she opens a present it is EXACTLY what she wanted and for weeks after Christmas she is amused and enjoys every item staying occupied and content.


Reality:


After the momentary awe of waking up in the morning and being thrilled at the prospect of presents, Lila tears through the wrapping with a "wow" for the first few items and gradually getting bored opening things.  After opening all her toys, she leaves them all where she opened them and rounds up all the ribbons and bows and plays with them for 3 hours.  Two days later she asks for a new toy.

...........................................................................................

Ideally:

After having Christmas dinner and getting the house back in order, I take a few minutes with Lila and Ben to relax on the couch and talk about how everyone got something they wished for and how fortunate we are, because we know that not everyone has family or love or the ability to provide nice things for the ones they love. 

Reality:

This one is spot on. 

Merry Christmas everyone.





Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My gift to you

Since I am feeling too insane, stressed out and angry about Christmas being imminent, rather than my usual hijink's, I am going to post some of my favorite Christmas related crap that I've collected on in my documents over the years from all over the web.

You'll have to forgive me for not crediting the sources.  A few of these were downloaded back in 2004.  Literally. 

The birth of Jesus...Lego style.



SOOOOOO true.


*wink*


 

Completely not Christmas related. I just want to kill this bitch.

Well Merry Fucking Christmas to you too, kitty.

Now you know what's going on at the remaining Occupy sites.
If you EVER see me in a pic like this, I want you to impale me
on a shovel.


Because religious restrictions should never get in the way
of a good deal on ham.

The war on Christmas is REAL!!!
Is it wrong that this is one of the statements I relate to best out of
all the Christmas crap I have seen over the years?

I'd hit that...
Finally:





Sunday, December 11, 2011

Holiday Newletter - a rough draft

I want to start this by saying that I mean no offense to anyone who ACTUALLY sends out holiday newsletters.  I am sure that yours are much more creative and delightful than the ones that I seem to get every year. But seriously.  Most of these things only provoke eye-rolling and snickering in my house.

That being said, I thought it was imperative that I work on a Because Motherhood Sucks Holiday Newsletter right away.  Here is the first draft:




Dear Friends, Relatives, and People I Only Know from Facebook:


It sure has been a (literally) CRAAAZY year here at Because Motherhood Sucks! First of all, I want to say a super-big MERRY CHRISTMAS!  Since I am at the forefront of the war on the (completely real) War on Christmas, I want to make sure you know that I say have to say Merry CHRISTmas because I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was a Pagan or a Jew or (God forbid) a secret Muslim (I don't want to say that word too loud for fear that saying it will make me catch it, just like the gay).


The war on Christmas is REAL!!!
Once again it is that wonderful time of year where we take a moment in between decking the halls and going door to door caroling to look back at the last year and and regret celebrate the spectacular failures joy that I have been subjecting you to lucky to share with you all, here at Because Motherhood Sucks. 


Early in the year, Lila went through a rough patch and after I rescued her heroically from a bout of Scarlet Fever she was back to being the psychotic devil spawn  perfect and infallible child that makes my heart swell with joy (or whatever you call this) .  Along with all the viral infections  wonderful new knowledge she was bringing home from preschool, she also developed quite a natural talent for performing. I know that all mothers brag about their children but Lila has perfected the art of   screaming learned how to sing like an injured cat ANGEL floating on a cloud and dipped in butter.  She also apparently has a natural acting ability and flair for drama.  In fact, I believe that she has given some truly Oscar-worthy performances in the last several months.   


"IIIIIIIIIIIII'M DREEEAMING of a
WHIIIIIIITE Christmas...."
Besides being OBVIOUSLY talented, Lila has truly worn down my will to live come a long way this year. In July she turned four, which means that she's a year closer to moving out on her own she's such a diva big girl and is becoming more and more obnoxious independent.  She worked really hard to get me to put her up for sale overcome some major fears. She has started reading and I am positive that within the next year she will be working her way through Machiavelli and Camus.  Between our awful FANTASTIC neighbors and all the unwilling new friends we made, I think Lila would agree that this year didn't suck so much after all. I sincerely loathe enjoy this time of year and can't wait to see Lila Christmas morning when she greedily tears into sees all those presents under the tree!


Over here on MY side of the blog, I received plenty of hate mail wonderful awards from my fellow bloggers and was featured on an episode of America's Most Wanted a couple of websites!  I made lots of new stalkers blog friends and always look forward to getting completely hammered reading all your comments every day.   I even learned some new cocktail recipes and spent a great deal of time trying new vegetables.  


If you don't remember this pic,
click on the link above
As many of you know, I spent several months trying not to kill anyone working up to my breakdown vacation and I finally got to spend a week at a top-notch resort where I ate fabulous food, got plenty of rest and relaxation, and met some of the most literally psychotic INTERESTING people I have ever met.  Boy was THAT a much needed break! 


So from Because Motherhood Sucks, here's to hoping you aren't smothered in debt come January your holidays are filled with tons of liquor happiness and joy, and that your new year is better than this year was is happy and prosperous.


Can't wait until it's over
Merry Christmas!

Selena @ Because Motherhood Sucks.

Let's just pretend this is my family photo.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, that's my kid...

"You know what happens to Rudolph if I don't get my dollhouse, right?"

Monday, December 5, 2011

BWAAA HAA HAA HAA HAAAAA!

Soooo....a couple of months ago (when I was on internet vacation) one of my favorite bloggers over at From Diapers to Diatribes bestowed an award upon me that is truly the award I have been waiting for.  I suppose it's better late than never.

As you all know, world domination is one of my fantasies, so this is completely AWESOME!!!


This award allows me to change ANY 3 things I want to, IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.   After much careful consideration, I have settled upon the following things:

1.  Effective immediately, children will work by remote control until they are old enough to understand that the Mommy is in charge and they can't do anything about it.  Have a headache and your kid keeps singing the theme song to Spongebob?  Simply hit the VOLUME-DOWN button.  Temper tantrum?  MUTE.  Need 15 minutes to yourself?  PAUSE.  And the best one...At bedtime simply turn the power off.

2.  Any time you are out in public and someone is acting like an asshole, you get to call for everyone's attention and take a vote as to whether or not the person deserves to be backhanded for their douchy-ness.  If necessary, you and the douchbasket can each make a short statement. If the majority votes yes, you can slap them.  I believe this will greatly improve the public behavior of all of us.



3. Dumb, mind-numbing websites will have a built-in 30 minute time limit.  Seriously.  Do you know how much time I spent reading Damn You Autocorrect this morning?  And there is NO REASON to spend more than 10 minutes at a time scrolling through Facebook updates or playing Farmville.  Of course, blogs that have actual WORDS in them are excluded from this rule. 

Now the hard part:  I have to decide who I want to give this award to...

I cannot wait to read your changes!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Elvis, Satan and the F-Word

Another Sunday Stealing Extravaganza!

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop being a bunch of douchebags. 

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Eliot Spitzer.  I have a thing for smart guys who do dumb things.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
The Isle of Man.  Not because it's awesome of anything.  It just has a fantastic name and a flag that makes NO sense:

Are those LEGS???
4) What do you think about most?
I spend a lot of time talking myself down from my murderous rage.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
Elvis just after the 1968 Comeback Special.  That's my favorite Elvis.




6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The first year of Motherhood.

7) What's your strangest talent?
*wink* Let's just say I couldn't demonstrate it in public.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
Does size really matter?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
I would never date a guy who did.  YUCK.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I only play air harp.

11) Do you have any strange phobias?
Fear of accidentally punching someone because they're stupid and I couldn't control myself.  What's that called?

12) What's your religion?
Is there one where napping everyday is considered essential?

13) What is your current desktop picture?
Some crap that came with the computer.

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Trying to get back inside.



15) What's the last song you listened to?
The theme song for Clifford.  It's always party time around here.

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Probably Radiohead.  But if we're talking about who has the most awesomely themed albums it's these guys:



17) What was the last lie you told?
Wow.  I am totally interested in your truly stupid thoughts.

18) Do you believe in karma?
Yes.  I obviously really f**ked up last time around.

19) What is a saying you say a lot?
This is NOT Grandma's house and I am not Grandma.

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness: None.  I am a bundle of fabulous.  Strength: Spotting bullshit from a mile away.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Brian Cox, Astrophysicist


22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Burn. (can be taken either way)

23) How do you vent your anger?
By posting passive aggressive blogs?

24) Do you have a collection of anything?
I collected hearts until recently.

25) What is your favorite word?
FUCK!!!


Friday, December 2, 2011

The Shit List is back.

I am in a foul mood lately.  It might be because of all the Christmas music that is being subliminally transmitted in my brain to make me feel guilty about not feeling all "Christmas-ish".  In order to get that much more into the holiday spirit, I am going to just put a bunch of annoying things on notice. 

First up, Haircuts. Since I moved back to Upstate NY 4 years ago, I haven't had a good haircut. The last time(earlier this week), I wanted to cut my shoulder-length hair short so I showed the lady this picture:


I always, ALWAYS hate the way they style it, so when I looked in the mirror and saw myself with short hair, I figured it was just the gel (yes, GEL.  Welcome back to the 90's) the lady put in it and that would look super cute once I got home and did it myself.  I showered and blow dried my hair and this is what I looked like:


I have been to 4 different places and no one seems to be able to do what the students at the Tony and Guy academy in Phoenix could do.  And they were still learning!

Next on the Shit list are My ghetto "friends" on Facebook, who feel the need to play out all their super-ghetto drama RIGHT THERE ON the Facebook. Seriously.  NO ONE cares about your ex- boyfriend's drug charges or your cousin, who (did the world a favor and) ratted you to DSS for getting your teenage daughter high. Especially if it is going to lead to a 43 comment battle between you and the person you intended your passive aggressive comment for.  Here's a little quiz for you:
Do you know why our parents' generation would never put their business out there for the neighbors to see?  No, not because they're lame and there was no Facebook.  It's because they aren't assholes and they knew their neighbors would just think they were trashy.  (Yes, I realize some of us have parents who probably WOULD do this.  I guess I am thinking about NORMAL parents).



Next up:  The commercial I heard today.   I was driving today and heard a commercial on the radio that said, "If you give a tablet or smart phone this Christmas, the person you give it to will know that you REALLY get them."  And my immediate reaction is that are really only a few situations where someone gives a $500 tablet or a $300 smart phone are as follows:
  • Parents giving it to their teens, in which case they will NEVER feel you REALLY get them,
  • A spouse or boy/girlfriend giving one to a significant other in which case THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WITH THEM! Or
  • A guy trying REALLY hard to get into a girl's pants.  Hey, I'm not judging.  You go girl!
  • A "friend" who gives extravagant gifts, in which case please friend me on Facebook. 


Finally, there's my kid.  I know that there is strong evidence that indicates that children "KNOW" when something is off with one or both of their parents.  This causes them to throw hissy-fits and be total assholes when you are least able to handle it.  A few weeks ago I would have told you that Lila had magically transformed into a perfect little well-behaved model child. And then one day while we were having lunch, she bit her tongue and turned into Satan.  Yup.  Just like that.  And she has been behaving like a caged animal who wants out ever since.  You know why? Because I have been really stressed out at work and am exhausted when I come home.  She knows.

But here's the question:  If they KNOW that you are not really feeling at your best, then why don't they act WELL BEHAVED when you are stressed out, and like animals the rest of the time when you don't mind it so much?  What the hell, Darwin.  Shouldn't that be a survival skill that would prove beneficial to their species?  Maybe then mother hamsters wouldn't eat their babies.  This just proves that kids are stupid.



Of course this is no where near a comprehensive list, but I have to go and attend to my screaming kid now.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Because you want to know why I blog.

Sunday Stealing!!! Because I LOVE telling you everything!

1. Why did you sign up for writing your blog?
Because Motherhood Sucks!  Duh!  No really, I was insane with Post-Partum Depression and needed to vent.

2. Why did you choose your blog's name? What does it mean?
See above.  I think my blogs name is pretty self explanatory. 

3. Did you ever had another blog?
Yes.  I had one called "SelenaLand" for a long time where I just posted random things I liked and ranted about current events.  I have started and deleted a few others revolving around cancelled television shows.  Oh, and my Depression blog.

4. What do you do online when you're not on your blog?
Mostly I look at Internet porn and radical Christian apocalypse sites.  Usually at the same time.

5. How about when you're not on the computer?
I mostly just drink a lot of coffee and try not to have to kill anyone.  I haven't slapped ANY total strangers this week and that is surprising because Black Friday was this week!

6. What do you wish people who read your blog knew about you?
That I don't TOTALLY hate motherhood.  Only like 85%.  ;-)

7. What is your favorite community in the blogosphere?
I like the Write on Edge people. 

8. What is your philosophy on your blog layout?
I don't have a "philosophy".  I just picked a template. 

9. Tell me about your picture you use to represent you on your blog.
My Profile pic is of a 50s era mother taking something out of the oven and telling her daughter "Just because Mommy loves you doesn't mean Mommy likes you."  Or some variation on that.  That is the theme of a good portion of my posts. 

10. Pick 3 random blogs from your blog roll and tell us about them.
Well, People I Want to Punch in the Throat needs very little explanation.  Attracted to Shiny Things never EVER disappoints me, and what mother wouldn't LOVE Moms Who Drink and Swear (besides really douchy ones)?

11. What features do you think your blog should have that it doesn't currently?
I think it should alert me as soon as anyone interesting visits and then allow me to chat directly with that person.  But I get to set the standards of what "interesting" entails.  I don't want to make friends with some asshole who has 35 ferrets and lives in a basement.

12. What do you consider the 10 most "telling" interests that we would infer from your blog persona?
Hmmm.  Obviously I am into self-torture and masochism. I clearly like to watch a lot of television. I spend WAAAAAAY too much time on the interwebs ("IT'S A SERIES OF TUBES!!!).  I enjoy pie but won't bake one.  I enjoy eating out at chain restaurants.  I like to be left alone...HOW IS THAT ONLY 6 INTERESTS?...I am interested in bad jokes and dark humor.  Perhaps you would somehow intuit that I am also interested in world domination and obtaining super powers, but I don't think I have made that evident on my blog.  Oh and my interest in fire. 

13. Do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? What are they?
Sloths playing woodwind instruments would be a unique thing that I would be totally interested in.  And I have never even thought of it, let alone shared it. 

14. The best thing about blogging is all of the friends that you make, aside from those folks, do you think your blog has fans?
I like to believe so.  Thousands of people can't possibly just be coming to my blog after searching "Justin Bieber Bulge" like my stats say (true story).  The CLEARLY secretly love my blog. 

15. What's your current obsession? What about it captures your imagination?
I am currently obsessed with getting through the holiday season without having to enter the asylum (again).  It's going to be tough, but I now have a pill for that.

16. What are you glad you did but haven't really had a chance to post about?
I refuse to admit that having my child was the best thing that ever happened to me and she is a truly fantastic kid.  Telling anyone that would completely tarnish my reputation. 

17. How many people that first became a blog friend, have you met face to face?
None.  I have to keep my identity a total secret, which is why I use my real name. 

18. What don't you talk about here, either because it's too personal or because you don't have the energy?
I started my Depression blog because Motherhood is depressing enough. 

19. What's a question that you'd love to answer?
"Tell me why people around the world are completely enthralled by you? In other words, how did you become a millionaire from writing your blog?" 

20. Have you ever lost a blogging friendship and regretted it?
Not sure what all this entails.

21. Have you ever lost a blogging friendship and thought, “Was that overdue!”
Again, I don't understand.  If a person whose blog I read and commented on and interacted with started to act like an asshole, I would simply stop the interaction.  Is this a real problem out in blog land?

From SUNDAY STEALING

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Oh yes. I sure am thankful.

There are plenty of things for me to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.  As many of you know, this has been a rough year and I am first and foremost thankful for the help I was able to get and my subsequent return to sanity.

I am thankful for my perfect, maniac kid; for Ben, who stays with me through all the worst I have to offer; for friends, family, sunny days, health, etcetera, etcetera...

But that isn't REALLY what this post is about. 

Today, while all the TV commercials talk about the "incredible door buster sales" that start just after you have had time to clear the table today, I am INCREDIBLY thankful that I no longer work in retail.

First I want to say that if you ever hear about me waiting outside in the cold at 3am to get my hands on a $4 toaster oven for my Aunt Hilda or 75% off a steam cleaner for my 2nd cousin, I want you to come and bludgeon me to death with a snow shovel.  I know the bargains are great.  I know that the excitement is tangible.  But I swore long ago that I would never be involved in the trampling of a 90 year old lady so that I can spend my life's savings on crap that will never be used and I intend to stick with that pledge until I die.

Seriously?


That brings me to another point.  If I ever worked for a company making $8 an hour with no benefits (which I totally have done) and they told me I had to come in on Thanksgiving Day to sell cheap Chinese-made crap to a bunch of crazed bargain hunters, I would tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF.  Yes, I know the economy is tough and I know that even $8 an hour jobs are hard to come by.  I know that people work these jobs to put food on their tables.  But any company that chooses to make a few extra dollars over giving their employees ONE day (technically 2 days because they're also closed on Christmas-how DARE they!) a year to spend with relatives and friends before the hell that is to ensue for the next month is not a company I want to work for.  Its bad enough that the majority of these retailers don't believe that the people who work for them deserve a living wage or health care, but ONE day off?  SERIOUSLY?

Seriously?
Additionally, I have also pledged that I would not SHOP at those retailers that are opening on Thanksgiving Day for the entire holiday season.  This is going to be especially challenging, especially because all the toy places are engaging in this insanity.  But I'll figure it out.  It's going to involve a combination of local businesses and online catalogs.

And now for a little history:

I realize that you have been told that the reason they call it "Black Friday" has something to do with the accounting and profits putting retailers "in the black" after a year of being "in the red," but I hope you don't buy that. Doesn't the phrase "Black Friday" conjure up misfortune and darkness? Is there anyone out there who thinks that using the term "BLACK FRIDAY" reminds them of happiness and sunshine? NO. No there isn't. And you know why? Because that phrase was actually coined by retail employees who consider that day to be the worst day of the year. In the retail community, we threw that term around amongst ourselves for YEARS before it caught on and the alternate reasoning was applied. When you're doing your shopping on Friday, please keep in mind that this is the WORST day of the year for these people, and be nice to them.

Don't be one of these assholes.
I still can't listen to Christmas music for more than an hour at a time because I am scarred from the constant repeating holiday melodies that I was subjected to for 8 to 10 hours a day, 6 to 7 days a week for 30 to 45 days in a row.  Thankfully, I got out before it started at Halloween or I am pretty sure that images of snowmen or reindeer would have given me night terrors. 

But by far, the worst thing about the holiday season when you work in retail is the customers who are just plain rude or demanding or both.  These people seem to forget that you are a person and that although it is your job, standing for 8 hours in one place and bagging their shit is exhausting and one nasty remark or bad transaction can ruin a whole day.

I hope she isn't talking to you.
Here are a few tips for not making your local mall cashier want to slit their wrists this holiday season:
  • Say thank you, and wish them a happy holiday (or Merry Christmas if you are fighting against the "war") before they have a chance.  They are required to say it.  You aren't. 
  • Get off your cell phone before you reach the register.  Hey!  Hello!  I am talking to you.  Get off your phone and interact with the person right in front of you.  Pay attention and smile.  If this is too much, find a self check-out.
  • If the sale requires a coupon or coupon code, bring it.  If you forget it, don't expect the cashier to take care of it for you.  You don't go to the grocery code and get to the register and explain to the cashier that there was a $1.00 off coupon in the Sunday paper so you should get the $1 off.  Don't do this anywhere else either.

I guess what I am saying is DON'T BE A DOUCHE.

I still get panic attacks when I go to the mall and see Santa sitting there looking like he might just be drunk and I refuse to eat pizza from now until Christmas because I basically survived on mall pizza during the winter for way too many years.



I guess I am still recovering from my years in the holiday retail battle.  I can finally enjoy the sight of Christmas lights.  I can go into stores during December (never on the weekends, though), and this morning I actually caught myself humming along to Jingle Bell Rock.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

What no girl wants to hear. Ever.

Last week, for reasons that I am not going to go into in this post (it was a memorial service for someone I wasn't very close to but felt the need to pay my respects) I had reason to meet up with one of my brothers friends who I hadn't seen in at least 8 or 9 years.  My brother is almost 10 years older than me which means that growing up he and his friends spent many fun-filled hours being entertained by teasing me and doling out all kinds of psychological cruelty at my expense.

This particular friend had grown up and spent many hours of his teenage years at my house watching MTV (this was back when they played videos and had VJs) and locking me in closets with my brother.  So it is possible that many years later I may have felt the need to prove that I was no longer that whiny, annoying, nerdy little girl and we really "got to know each other"  (*wink wink*).

As I said before, I hadn't seen this friend in a LONG time and as soon as I knew that I was going to see him I was instantly extremely self conscious about the fact that I was not the young hot sex object that he knew when last we met.  In fact, lest just be honest here:  I GOT FAT. 

As an aside, I realize that this is stupid and that I really shouldn't care what this guy thinks.  I am in a happy relationship and this guy (to be completely honest) is a pothead who lives in his mother's basement at 40-something years old.  But whatever.  Sometimes the insanity takes over and twists things around to make things like not totally disgusting a guy that you used to sleep with when you were 20 and completely bat shit crazy seem like a necessity.

Since Ben had a thing that evening, I arranged to meet the friend at the place because I have this fear of walking into places alone (yeah, again totally stupid).  I got out of my car and wearing my nice clothes and fancy shoes, I walked over and we hugged and did the whole "so nice to see you" thing.  Then he looked my up and down and nonchalantly made a comment that made me die a little inside.

"Wow.  Hello, Sue.  When did you start looking so much like your mom?" 

The urge to smack him was strong but I resisted.  You see, my mom has always been heavy.  Not like "needs to be lifted with a crane to leave the house" heavy, but she was never a MILF to my brother's friends.  In fact, he likely remembers her being drunk at least half of the time when he was around, which, if I were them I would find extremely unattractive. 



I tried to ignore this comment and reminded myself of why we were there (someone DIED, after all) and said my "Sorry for your losses" and "I can't believe it's" and got the hell out of there (funerals and the like cause me more anxiety than I can handle).

Part of me knew that he was just saying this to be a jerk, the way that my brother and him used to say that I was adopted because it would make me cry when I was 5, but the other part of me knew that there was a great degree of truth to it.  I DID look like my mother, not just because I had put on a few (no need to tell the truth) pounds but because as I get older I see more and more of her in my face. 

I don't want you to get the wrong idea.  I don't hate my mother or anything.  And she isn't an ugly woman.  She has silky blonde hair (which I don't) and was considered a beauty before she had kids (because having kids will destroy you if you aren't vigilant).  But the truth of the matter is that what I heard was not "you resemble your mother more than you did when you were young and slutty".  What I heard was "YOU HAVE TURNED INTO YOUR MOTHER."

No girl wants to hear that.  And certainly not from someone who once saw her naked. 

On the way out he made some stupid comment about how we should get together again under better circumstances (*wink wink*)  (he actually winked when he said it) and I didn't even hesitate.  "hmmmm.  I don't think so.  I have what I need at home.  And besides, you got old."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Things that should be against the law.

Dear Assholes that Start Celebrating Christmas in October:

You gotta knock this shit off.  Seriously.

First of all, the leaves are still on the trees.  We have had no snow, and we are still one major holiday away from the previously accepted "start of the holiday season".  You assholes who have your blow-up Frosty out on your lawns should be knocked out and held in a basement until the end of November and that shit is no longer ridiculous.  Why would you want to remind the rest of us of massive snowfalls that dump enough snow to MAKE an 8 foot snowman when winter around here will last until April and we have been lucky enough to avoid any major snowfall this early for the first time in recent history?  WHY? 



And the LIGHTS?  Jesus the lights!  I still haven't taken my halloween decorations down (granted I am extremely lazy and late) and you have the NERVE to put up happy candy canes and light-up reindeer so that I have to drive by every day and be reminded of how unprepared I am for the process of elbowing my way through the toy aisle at Target?  Thanks for nothing.

It isn't that I don't like Christmas.  I am not one of those idiots that Bill O'Reilly believes is waging a war on Christmas.  In fact, I desperately WANT to enjoy Christmas.  I worked in retail for 15 years and working in retail will make you realize that people turn evil in December and will put you off the holiday indefinitely.  But I do not work in retail anymore, and when I finally busted out (because working retail is a lot like being in prison), I really looked forward to celebrating Christmas like normal people, by spending a shitload of money on gifts that will be shoved into closets and stuffing my face with snacks and sweets continually from Thanksgiving until New Years Eve.

But seriously, if you start celebrating before Thanksgiving, you should go to jail.

from flickr


Starting in October, I have a rule that I follow strictly.  If I walk into a store and Christmas music is playing and it is before Thanksgiving, I walk out.  I hold to this regardless of how cute the outfit in the window is or how desperately I need milk and bread to feed my kid.  I don't care.  I will not participate in such insanity.

The city I live in has very few decent radio stations.  Maybe 5 or 6 tops that aren't christian or country or just awful.  THREE of of those have already switched to 24 hour "holiday" music, and a fourth is scheduled to switch right around the time people are defrosting their frozen turkeys.  REALLY, radio stations?  We REALLY need TWO FULL MONTHS of Little Drummer Boy?

The day that I discovered this tragedy, I was driving Lila to my mother's and flipping through my regularly programmed stations.  I stumbled upon "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" for less than a second before immediately hitting the next button. Lila started crying and begging me to turn it back on. 

"It's against the law,"  I said.  "It is illegal to listen to Christmas songs before Thanksgiving."  When asked what would happen if the police found out I told her that is isn't a matter of what the police would do.  It's a matter of keeping people who are bordering on crazy from turning into full-blown nut cases (I was, of course, talking about myself).

Now I am hearing that several stores (Target, Best Buy, Macy's, and WalMart to name a few) are going to open at 11pm on Thanksgiving so that people can get even more absurd deals on crap that no one really wants or needs.  AWESOME, right?  This does not indicate to me that these companies are "really super in-tune to what their beloved patrons desperately want more of."  To the contrary.  What his tells me is (1) that these companies don't give a shit about their employees, and (2) they feel that they REEEEEALLY need to have those few extra hours on a NATIONAL DAY OF THANKS to thank all of us for making them a few more dollars. 

The "Holidays" in "Happy Holidays" should not include Halloween.
In closing I would like to tell you a little story.  I am a person who loves to buy "seasonal" socks (don't you judge me!!!).  I have a pair of socks representing each month.  This whole early Christmas thing is very confusing because I already have orange socks with little pumpkins for October and yellow ones with an overflowing cornucopia for November.  I cannot start wearing the green and red ones with the gifts all over them until AT LEAST the last week of November because it would confuse all 3 of the people who occasionally notice what socks I am wearing. 

Please, for the sake of all that is holy and sacred, STOP THE INSANITY!!! I will never decorate my house with little Santas in the summer and I will not accept "Christmas in July" as a literal interpretation of when I should start my holiday shopping.  And seriously, at the rate we're going now, how far off is that?