I am not going to sit here and pretend I have any idea how to do a link up or whatever, but I highly recommend that on Fridays, you take about 5 minutes and scroll a little note about something that happened this week and say to it "Fuck you...I'm on to my weekend." I also want to say that I KNOW it's Thursday. But I really hope that you guys will join in because it's nothing if not totally liberating! And if you want to leave a link to your blog saying that you did it (or are going to do it) in the comments section, please do. OR do it on facebook.
|Fuck You Fridays photo courtesy of Johnny Cash.|
Today's Fuck You Friday has to do with an old boyfriend turned buddy who I gave up on as a human being this past week.
Joe was one of those guys who I fell in love with when I was like 13 years old even though he was like 18 at the time. He ignored me back then but as soon as I turned 18 we got together and did that whole "You're my soul mate" thing until he finally told me like 5 months later that: a) he had an 18 month old son by his last girlfriend and b) that he was going to go back to her so I should forget he ever existed.
Now, at 18 I am pretty stupid. I admit as much. I would say that emotionally I definitely rode the short bus. So when I run into him randomly, like, 9 times in the following 2 weeks, I am convinced that "the universe is obviously telling me something" so I hold my breath and just "know he'll come back to me." I go on with my life and date (a billion) other guys but I always believe that some day we'd randomly meet up at some fruit stand in Morrocco just like they do in old movies and we'd fall in love and live happily ever after. I told you I was a fucking idiot.
A few years pass and we meet up again. This time he claims he has left that bitch for good and did all the things he was supposed to do to keep contact with his kid and minimum drama with her (custody arrangements and all that). So I think "now's the time! We'll be together forever," right? WRONG. First he fucked some awful fat girl who I THINK is my friend but turns out to be a whore. Then he tells me about how there's this "young chick" at his work who keeps (and I quote) "sticking her ass in my face". I tell him he's an asshole and think that if I avoid him for a few days to prove how angry I am he will feel bad and come running back. It doesn't work.
When I try to call him a week later, the phone number is disconnected. I go to his apartment and it's empty. I stop by his work and it turns out he quit. That fucker vanished into thin air.
But dumb me, I run into him again and again and every time he professes his undying love to me and then would end up going back to the girlfriend with the ass gone wild. At one point, he moves into my apartment for a few weeks and when the larger apartement downstairs opens up, he tells me to tell the landlord we're going to take it. He never shows up to give the landlord the security deposit and again disappears into thin air.
Around this time I become aware that he is seriously using drugs. Bad drugs. Crack, Heroin, Meth. I feel so sad and helpless to do anything for him. Soon after this, I move to Arizona, start intensive psychotherapy and begin to understand just how fucked up the whole situation actually is. I plan a trip back to Syracuse and a week before my trip he magically finds me on the internet. He tells me he is fresh out of rehab and would love to see me when I come home. I tell him that's awesome since I happen to have some things to tell him! I go to see him and tell him that he's an asshole for treating me like some stop-gap for half of my life, and that he can basically go fuck himself. I don't give him a chance to respond. I drive away feeling like I did the right thing.
Three years later I move back. I am in Wal Mart (of all God-awful places) in my sweats and I run into him. He looks awful but tells me he's been clean since the last time I saw him. He still looks at me the way he used to and I realize now why I always fell for his bullshit. I try to make small talk and he lays into me about how much I hurt his feelings that day and how he hasn't been able to get me out of his head since then.
I fucking feel bad for some reason. But I am honest. I have a family now. I have a guy who is everything he never was. I would never leave them and I would never take him back. He is okay with this. I tell him to keep in touch and we do on the Facebook.
One day he wants to see me and we meet for coffee and he looks like total shit. I suspect he's using agian but he swears he's not and he tells me about his latest girlfriend and how she got pregnant on purpose and he just "isn't feeling it" and so they ended it amicably but now he is seeing a new girl. He tells me she's 21, which is young because he's almost 40. I laugh and offer him my advice which I know he won't follow. But I tell him the truth. He's an idiot. He needs to get his shit together and stop hooking up with dumb chicks and making babies. I am brutally honest and it makes him irritated with me. There is no weirdness. No sexual tension. We are friends and I am fine with this.
A few weeks later I find out from a mutual friend that he OD'd on something or other and was in the hospital for a few days and is now going to rehab. I feel awful. Could I have helped him? Was he trying to kill himself? He must have been so sad! Why wasn't I more understanding? Why do I always have to tell people exactly what I think?
When he gets out I call him and I see him and he tells me that him and his girlfriend are trying to have a baby. That her parents are okay with his age, which prompts me to comment on her being 21. He tells me she's 18. And that they're in love and they're going to get married.
I laugh. "Really?" I say. Because obviously LOVE is all that matters. I tell him that he is in NO POSITION to be making this kind of decision and that no child should have to suffer with a young and obviously insane mother and a junky father. He tells me he is in love. I tell him that he already has 3 kids by 3 different women and that never worked out to keep them together. He tells me he's in love. I tell him that if he really loves her he would let this fresh out of high school child go out and figure things out and not try to tie her down with a fucking kid because after all, he IS the adult. He tells me he's in love. I tell him his son is a year older than his girlfriend. He tells me he's in love.
He doesn't get it. He refuses to even acknowledge that the facts are correct. He just keeps telling me that he is in love with her and wants to marry her. I get mad. Then he makes a stupid statement. He says "I am going to marry her. So speak now or forever hold your peace." And it fucking hits me.
He wants me to beg him not to do it. Not just because it's stupid but he wants me to beg him to be with ME! HAH! I laugh. Is he fucking insane? Is he seriously fucked up? I know the answer is yes.
So I tell him that he's on his own. I refuse to worry about him anymore. He obviously has no concern for himself and has no interest in functioning like a normal person. I tell him to knock himself out: go smoke some crack, knock up some 12 year olds, and sleep under a fucking bridge. I tell him that I am done and that I was fucking stupid to think that we could be friends because the old pattern of "I beg for you, you choose someone else" is like a drug in itself for him. He thought I would fall right back into that role.
But the truth is that when I saw how fucked up and ugly the drugs and misery he chooses has made him, I was no longer even remotely interested. That part of me who felt anything like a lover to him is dead and buried. I only wanted him to be okay in the way that I would want anyone I have known for (I can't believe I am going to say this) 20 years to be okay. I want him to choose fucking happiness. To make a decision that isn't completely fucking self destructive. But he thinks I still want to fuck him.
And for that, Joe- for that I say a big, long-time-coming