Sunday, February 26, 2012

Jersey Shore and Vice Presidents

Sunday Stealing: The Scottish Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Where are you from and where do you live now?
I am from one of the snowiest places in the country and somehow I am still here.

2. Favorite childhood story/book/film?
Story: The one that my parents told me trying to convince me I was normal; Book: The Story of Ferdinand; Movie: Purple Rain (I was a strange kid)

I really thought I would be Apollonia when I grew up.

3. If you could change gender for a day what would you do?
Sit home all day and watch Internet porn and masturbate?  Isn't that what guys do?

4. Do you feel you family is complete or would you like more/some children?
I believe I have been VERY clear on this.  I am done.

5. What do you do/Where do you work and do you enjoy it?
I work in the library as the in-house sexy library chick.  It's on my resume.

6. Which three words do you think sum you up?
Need More Coffee

7. If you were a fairy what magical powers would you possess?
I would stand on the shoulders of douche bags and convince them that they were crazy and that they were hearing God.  Not really a magical power, but it sounds like a worthy calling.

8. If you were invisible, where would you go and what would you do? Why?
See above.

9. What song can’t you listen to without crying?
2 Live Crew's Me So Horny

10. Which book changed your life – or at least made you think a lot?
The Catechism I had in 2nd grade.  It was around this time that I started to wonder why the hell Catholicism was so terrifying and began to think there might be something wrong with the "God" I had been taught about. 

11. Why do you blog?
Read my blog title.  In fact, I named it in response to this VERY question.

12. What is your top ‘me-time’ tip?
Don't spend it doing anything useful.  I recommend napping.

13. What can’t you live without?
Xanax, coffee, food, shelter, water, etc.

14. Which of all your blog posts are you most proud of and why?
I am proudest of my posts about my postpartum depression.  Because I feel other women need to know that they aren't alone in feeling like they hate their babies and that it doesn't mean they're terrible mothers.

15. Have you ever met a famous person? Who and where?
Yes.  I was a groupie. 

16. When did you last have a full nights sleep?
Last night.  I am so glad my doctor prescribed me Trazadone.

17. What would you think is harder: Going to work or staying at home with children?
Spending a few days alone all day with Lila always cures my desire to stay at home all day with her.

18. What are you doing for Easter?
Sacrificing virgins?

19. What is your favorite drink?
Coffee.  Oh! You mean alcoholic:
(From Smokin' Bones) Skinny Redheaded Hottie
"Looks good. Goes down great. Three Olives Cherry Vodka, lite sour mix, cranberry juice and a splash of Sprite®. Served on the rocks with a cherry on top."
20. Do you play any sports?
If napping was a competition, I would.

That might be hard to beat...

21. What is your most embarrassing moment?
This is actually pretty hard...I don't get embarrassed easily.  In case you haven't noticed, I am pretty shameless.

22. How clever are you?
Pretty clever.

23. Name a new favorite TV show?
The River.  Some episodes are corny, but some are completely terrifying and I love that!

24. Any guilty pleasures?
Jersey Shore.  But I hate to admit it. 

It brings out the cougar in me.

25. If you could have chosen your own name, what would it be?
Probably something like Amanda or Brittney.  I wanted nothing more than a "regular" name when I was little (in the early 80s).  But I love my name now.

26. Who do you most admire in life, and why?
I admire anyone who is known for not bullshitting. Stephen Colbert and Joe Biden come to mind.

It's not real but doesn't it seem completely plausible?
27. What is your most treasured possession?
It used to be the awful scrapbook I made when I was 12, but now it's Lila.

28. Tell your favorite funny joke…
Knock knock.
Go the fuck away!

29. What is your biggest fear in life?
That I am not really destined for world domination?

30. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? What does it remind you of?
Chocolate with Peanut Butter.  It reminds me of what a fat ass I am.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

I found that giant Orange Vagina you were looking for!

One of my new favorite (and very funny) bloggers gave me an award. 

I want to seriously recommend that you go over and read and follow and perhaps even internet stalk Shirley Ewe Must Be Joking.  That bitch be crazy! Plus she knows all the words to "Bust a Move" as I found out when I was reading about HER award here:

Proof that I actually WAS awarded an award 


The rules are basically as follows: 

  •  Thank the blogger that bestowed the award (check)
  •  Post 7 random facts about yourself (I LOVE talking about myself)
  •  Forward the award to 10 (TEN?) deserving bloggers (THAT may prove challenging).
So I am going to base my 7 random things on some random photos I have saved on my laptop (and some I just found recently saved on discs).  Some are actual real pics from my actual real life and others are silly shit from the blogosphere.  Lets see if you can tell which are which.



I am pretty sure Lila is destined to become a crazy cat lady.  At the time of the top photo (which she took herself) she had 5 stuffed kitties.  That photo was taken about 6 months ago.  Since the taking of that photo, she has somehow accumulated 6 more kitties and a couple of little bears that she claims are cats but are actually little bears, pigs or mice.  She likes to bring all them all over the house with her and she sleeps with all of them. 

This is not even all of them...

She has also told me that she has no intention of ever getting married because (in her words) "I don't want to be a mommy." 

Seriously.  It's a vagina.

Did you see a giant blow up pumpkin here or did you see a kid crawling into a humongous orange vagina?  See, I have a filthy mind and and the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.  To me, this was hilarious and warranted a photograph.  Ben is a contractor and EVERY SINGLE TIME that he goes to pick up plywood or 2x4s I giggle and ask him if he "got wood in his truck."  And don't even get me started about black caulk.


I admit it.  I think "The Situation" is kinda hot.  But I cannot watch Jersey Shore (not only because it's total crap but also) because every episode reminds me of the fact that I am no longer young and hot and that I would totally be laughed at and made fun of for trying to get him to "smush" me...Which brings us to our next photo:

Don't look so shocked.
I was young once.
My friend and I used to have "stripper night on Danforth St."  We would put on slutty clothes and 7 inch clear heels and take pictures of each other.  I found the disk with the photos on it this past week and when I looked at them I nearly lost my mind.  10 years ago, I was fucking HOT!  What the hell happened to me!  It was ONLY 10 years ago.  And all that time, I always thought that I was so flawed.  Skinny legs, small boobs, cellulite.  And yet NOW, I would fucking KILL to look like that. Fucking youth really is WASTED on stupid 24 year olds.

Apparently, I am one of the only asshole parents who doesn't feel the need to start scheduling her 4 year old for hundreds of different activities.  Seriously.  WHEN THE HELL did kids start needing social lives and extra-curricular activities?  Lila goes to school and plays with her little friends there.  Then she spends the rest of her day playing and annoying me.  But I am okay with that. Because ballet classes are expensive, as is karate, soccer, MyGym memberships, art school, and music lessons.  I read the other day that the typical 4 year old is involved in 3 different scheduled activities a week IN ADDITION to preschool, and that parents now worry that their child is not involved in ENOUGH activities to get into a good college.  MY KID IS 4.  Unless she is working for a highly specialized scholarship for playing the glockenspiel, getting her scheduled and busy 7 days a week really isn't necessary at this age. 


I get excited about really dumb things.  Like REALLY excited.  I have been known to terrorize drivers by spontaneously screaming out with joy at the sight of a bunny hopping across the road.  It's actually become dangerous at times.  I had to tone it down so as not to scare my kid, but she has gladly picked up my habit for squealing at bendy straws, sporks, and 80's hair metal videos.


I am actually VERY political.  I can be found angrily posting comments on all the political websites and find that I need to take "news breaks" because I get so angry and frustrated with the stupidity of those in charge that I want to strangle someone.  I have started to believe that the hopelessness that I feel when I see how stupid politics can be is a huge contributor to my depression.  Still, I look forward to this spring and hope that the Occupy movement reconstitutes and moves forward with some kind of actual agenda so I can go participate in more marches and protests.  (Just so you know, I am NOT a dirty hippie liberal, just a mom concerned about the future for my kid).

Lila made her own sign that says "Being Greedy is Not Nice"

And here is who you should go read next (also known as who I think deserves the Versatile Blogger Award).

Monday, February 20, 2012

It's not right to judge and some more questions

I am often guilty of being a pretty shitty mom.  I feed my kid mac and cheese that comes in a cardboard box (sometimes several times a week).  I allow her to wear makeup and lipstick (she's 4) and often get weird looks like I am a Toddlers in Tiara's mom.  I often don't have the energy to enforce things like manners and "no talking back" and so most of the time we spend together she is acting like a total bitch.  I even usually buy non-organic produce and feed it to her (please refrain from calling child protective services).  And yet despite all my shortcomings as a parent, she still seems to be smart, happy and well-mannered (at least in front of other people). 

Because of my secret knowledge of how I am just really lucky that my kid knows that there is a different kind of behavior for being in public than there is for home, I try to be pretty reluctant to judge.  I don't really think any worse of mothers who breast or bottle feed, or have a few drinks or take antidepressants during pregnancy, or work full time or choose to homeschool (although we all know that THOSE mothers should be locked up *wink*).  But sometimes there are mothers that you just want to kick in the vag because of their ability to overlook the completely OBVIOUS ways that they are contributing to their child's bad behavior.

Lila and I had the honor of being a flower girl and bridesmaid (I hope I don't have to tell you who the flower girl was because it would be really bizarre if it was me) at the wedding of one of my long-time friends. Lila's job was simply to prance down the aisle with a little boy who we will call "N".  Lila was not going to be a problem.  She follows direction well and is smart enough to understand what people are telling her to do. 

Not so with all children.  Before I even met him, I heard "cute" stories about him from his family at the bridal shower and from my friend.  Everyone thought it was "cute" when N purposely punched his Daddy in the nuts.  It's so adorable how he still talks like a baby and refuses to put words together into sentences, just like he did when he was 18 months old!  He's not ready for preschool yet because he's so "gifted" that he isn't interested in learning colors or shapes or counting, and there's no reason to push him. And isn't it just so grown up the way he demands what he wants and never takes "no" for an answer?  Maybe he'll be a CEO or a Diva when he grows up!  Let's just say that I wasn't expecting a victorian gentleman.

His behavior at the rehearsal dinner wasn't as bad as I had been warned to expect.  His mother held his hand and walked him through it a few times, and when the time came for he and Lila to practice alone, he simply took off running and then refused to stand anywhere near the groomsmen.  Not a big deal, since 3 year old boys tend to be overly rambunctious and it was getting close to dinner time.  But I did find it strange that his mother gave him one ring pop after another in an effort to get him to "settle down and pay attention."  And did I mention that this was about 30 minutes before the rehearsal DINNER?

We went over to a super causal restaurant/bar nearby for the rehearsal dinner.  As everyone was getting seated, I was chatting away with one of the other bridesmaids when I happened to look directly in front of me and saw something interesting.  N was licking Sweet N Low off the table.  At the restaurant.  First off, I will barely let my kid TOUCH restaurant tables if I can help it.  Because of this I immediately looked for his mother to let her know that somehow her kid had torn open a packet of aspertame and is licking it off the table, but when I realized that she was sitting next to him crumpling a little pink packet and then stroking his head my eyes nearly burst out of my head.  "He's been such a good boy today, I can't say no to him," she said warmly.

"SERIOUSLY?" I whispered to the other bridesmaid as motioned my eyes in their general direction.  She was as amazed as I was and told me she could not believe that this was okay.  I mean, it wasn't SUGAR, right?  It was only a disgusting cancer-causing artificial sweetner being tongued from a petri dish of a table in a bar/restaurant (and who are we kidding?  The word "Tavern" is in the name of this place - it was a BAR that also serves food) by a 3 year old, so no issue. 

Although pretty much everyone else in the wedding party stared in wonderment at this kid making out with the pile of sweetner on the (bar room) table, the mother and her immediate family seemed completely oblivious to fact that this might be somewhat questionable.  And I really think that this would not be blog worthy if I hadn't heard the ongoing conversation she was having. 

She was telling Ben how he is such a delightful kid, most of the time.  She talked about how "strong willed" (code for completely out of control) and "free spirited" (does not care if it's okay) he is, all the while while telling him how he seems to want to destroy everything he gets his hands on and has caused quite a huge amount of property damage by crushing, stepping on, and in every way decimating anything that is of any value.  Of course, then she went on to say that he "doesn't mean it" and there's "no point in punishing him for it because he's just being a boy."

SERIOUSLY?  You really don't think that some of this might have to do with the fact that you have no ability to teach this kid limits or tell him that something is not okay?  Because I am pretty sure that there is no way a kid will suddenly decide that he doesn't want to set things on fire if someone doesn't let him know that FIRE WILL KILL YOU.  I'm just saying.  Breaking things is fun.  Being wild and insane is fun.  Licking sugar off a (did I mention it was a bar?) table is only a kid's version of body shots.  So why would a kid EVER potentially turn into an adult who does not want to smash and burn things or eat chocolate pudding of bathroom floors on a daily basis (which is the only logical conclusion to the sweetner incident).

I realize that I sound like one of those preachy asshole judging moms who acts disgusted at the idea of not breastfeeding until high school, but I want to murder people who are oblivious to their influence as parents or simply choose to allow to let their kids act poorly because of whatever wacked-out child-rearing philosophy they read about in the trendy parenting book of the month.

Kids definitely need room to be themselves.  They need to know it's okay when they screw up, but that they will be guided to behave properly.  They need to know that there is a world outside their homes where certain rules apply and the best way to teach them those rules is to put in the effort to show them.  As much as your kid may protest and tell you they don't want to be your friend anymore, they will know that you love them because you gave them a sense of right and wrong that applies in most situations where contrary to the wishes of Mama, people will have some basic expectations of them.

Ok.  My rant is over.

Now on to Sunday Stealing:

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Final Part

Cheers to all of us thieves!

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
Seperate apartments?

77) How did/could someone win your heart?
Leave me alone.  That seems to make me like you more.

78) In your world, what brings on more creativity?

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
To start my blog *wink*

80) Why did you break up with your last ex?
Wasn't this question asked last week?  I moved to AZ.

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
I saw one that said "I Told You I Was Sick".  I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.

82) What is your favorite word?
FUCK. It isn't but I sure say it a lot.

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: delusional.
My entire life?

84) What is a saying you use a lot?
Shut it.

85) Are you watching Idol this season? If yes, how do you like it?
No.  I don't even have a smart assed comment for that because I am so offended.

86) Were you surprised that House got canceled?
Ok.  I am done with the TV questions.  Doesn't anyone read anymore?

87) What is your current desktop picture?

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
Any of the current Republican Nominees.  Hopefully during a photo op.

89) What would be a question where you'd not tell the truth?
Is there anything you could give a shit less about?

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by WEEPING ANGELS. The Weeping Angles aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What would you do?
Go to the emergency room to find out if someone put LSD in my drink.

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?
I would be SUPER MOM.

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
*wink* it would be dirty.

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
My recurrent bouts of Major Depressive Episodes.  So that would be about the last 30 or so years.

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. (let's say that you are both single and available) Who might it be?
Marky Mark while he was with the Funky Bunch.  Or 65 Comeback Special Elvis.

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
To the town in Italy where my Grandfather came from.

96) Do you have any relatives or friends in jail?
Hahahaha.  Not anymore, but in my day I received a good amount of prison pictures in the mail.

97) Who's winning the U.S. Republican presidential nomination? Why?
Mittens is the safest bet and the only one who is moderate enough to pick up non-affiliated voters.  But it doesn't matter because they're all apeshit crazy.

98) Who's winning the next U.S. Presidential election?
It doesn't matter. Seriously. The system is so broken that no matter who wins it will be more of the same bullshit.

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Shut the fuck up and let me take my nap.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Because Goldfish = Death and a Velvet Elvis.

I feel like 4 is too young to have to have the "everything living will die" talk with my kid. I mean, seriously, there will be plenty of time for her to learn that nothing is permanent and that even her parents will someday die.

So that is why I refuse to allow her to have a goldfish. Because with the rare exception of the one that lives to be 13 years old (my friend had one), they basically live for a couple of weeks and then the whole family has to give a eulogy standing around the toilet and sending little fluffy off to the eternal abyss (also known as the municipal sewer system).

But you gotta love dads. Yesterday, Ben took Lila to the Wal-Mart looking for undershirts and for some reason came home with a little fish tank and 2 gold fish (and also hot pink rocks and a glow in the dark plastic plant). Lila had already named her fish (Orange Fish and Star Fish) and they set the tank up. Ben THEN thought it would be a great idea to let her have the fish in her room.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" I casually whispered to him while Lila sat completely hypnotized by her new creatures. "They're just goldfish!" He replied. That was when I had to pull him into another room and let him know that I was not going to be the one explaining what happened to the fish when Lila finds them belly up in the water first thing in the morning.

"You see," I explained. "I don't want to have the death talk at all yet. But at least if you had suggested we keep the fish in the kitchen or living room, we would have had the advantage of finding the dead fish first and making up some story about how he missed his mom and went home after we disposed of him without her knowledge." He looked at me like I was presenting an argument for the possibility of Ancient Aliens.

"Whatever," I say. "In a week or two when you hear that blood curdling scream at 5:00 in the morning, YOU are going to go and deal with it. Not me."

He shook his head. "She'll be fine.

It's only a matter of time...

About an hour later, I am in the kitchen and Lila goes upstairs to "check on her fish" and I hear a frantic "MOMMY! DADDY! COME QUICK!"

"Here we go," I tell Ben as we go upstairs preparing for the worst.

"My fish aren't moving." I look. They're just sitting there. But they're not floating. "They're sleeping," I tell her. Then they start swimming normally. I nudge Ben. "As long as they're not floating on the top sideways, they're not dead," he gently explains. This does absolutely NOTHING to help the situation. She calls us (and of course, I send him) 6 more times before bedtime.


And now for the usual Sunday fare:

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 3
Cheers to all of us thieves!

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that shit.

52) What is your astrological sign?

53) Do you save money for anything? What?
I try to save enough for booze but sometimes there are just too many bills.

54) What's the last thing you purchased?
Cheap art for my living room.

I should have just ordered this.
55) Have you ever had a relationship that you realized was lust not love?
Pretty much all of them up until this one. And now we have the opposite problem.

56) In a relationship?
I'm in something much, much worse.

57) How many relationships have you had?
HA! How long are we talking? Because if we don't put a minimum time qualification, then I would say HUNDREDS.

58) What do you want to tell us about your day?
That if I get through it without slapping anyone then it will have been a success.

59) Where were you yesterday?
I spent a lot of time running around looking for shoe inserts. Don't ask.

60) Is there anything interesting within 10 feet of you?
With a 4 year old, there tends to be a WHOLE LOT of crap all around me, all the time. But interesting? Not really.

61) Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes. And underwear.

62) What's your favorite animal?
Sloth. I totally relate.
Dear Suicidal Sloth: Please don't do it! Life is worth living!

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Well, there's always sex.

64) Where is your best friend?
Probably home.

65) How did you end your last relationship end?
The same way all my past relationships ended, with betrayal and then revenge.

66) What is your heritage?
I actually did a bunch of genealogy research last summer only to find that I come from a long line of boring Italians and drunk poles.

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Watching SNL.

68) What's new?
If there was anything I would have blogged about it.

69) What is the key to seduction?
Show your boobs. That always works.

70) What was the weirdest thing that happened to you this week??
My kid didn't cause me to regret being alive.

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I have a government job which means that it is extremely unlikely that I would get fired for lateness. Or anything else.  Suck it boss!

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
Well, first I punch that asshole doctor for not catching whatever it is sooner.  Then I pretty much completely lose my mind with anxiety and spend my remaining days in a mental hospital.

73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
I read somewhere that you can trust someone you don't love, but you can't love someone you don't trust. That being said, I choose trust. Love is nothing but trouble.

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Short Dick Man by 20 fingers (10 points if you remember that one).

75) Who has your cell phone number (other than family)?
Apparently a bunch of debt collectors. Lucky me!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

How do you do it?

Some weeks this is all that I can muster.  Seriously, how the hell do you other bloggers always have shit to post?   I have been in a funk and the kid has been more or less behaved.  Crap.  I am turning boring.  Here.  Enjoy.

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 2

Cheers to all of us thieves!

26) Are you happy with the person you've become?
No.  And more importantly, I am very disappointed in you as well.

27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
My kid when she's whining, she sounds like an injured cat.  My kid when she's laughing it's what I imagine flowers blooming would sound like.

28) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if this is a stupid question?

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes.  Because I believe that if there is life after death and a person can do and go ANYWHERE, that they would choose to hide in my closet.  As for aliens, I believe in the lizard people from the center of the earth who are secretly destroying the human race.  If you don't believe me, here is an actual picture of the Queen of England caught off guard by the paparazzi.

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
The psychiatric emergency room at St. Joseph's Hospital.  Even though I was having a nervous breakdown, they made me wait for 11 hours and then basically shrugged and sent me home. 

33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
If we're talking rap, I choose West Coast during the 90s, but East Coast today. 

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Lady Gaga is a drag queen, right?

Can you tell which is Gaga and which is the drag queen?  Me neither:

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

36) Define: Art.
Art demands emotion.  If it induces people to say, "eh.  I don't get it," then it is crap.  Not art.

37) Do you believe in luck?
If I was lucky I might.

38) Patriots or Giants? Or, who gives a rat's ass?
I am going to go on the record and predict that the big winner of the Superbowl will be the guys who sold commercial space.


39) Will you watch the game? If yes, with who?
No.  But I will likely have to pretend I give a shit when Ben comes home.

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Um....yes and yes, although it wasn't as dramatic as this:

41) What was the last book you read?
If You Give a Moose a Muffin.  I don't usually get all the way through books with more than 30 or so pages anymore.

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Yes, especially when it's poured all over the house of an ex boyfriend.

43) Do you have any nicknames?

44) What was the last movie you saw?
Beauty and the Beast.  For the 763rd time.

45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
Well, I had a baby...

Someone made this comparison once and I have been unable to eat
roast beef ever since.  You're welcome.

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
No, but moths seem to love to dive straight at me.

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Just the usual:  xanax, napping, stupid questions to post to my blog, that kind of thing.

This kid knows what I'm talking about.

48) What's your sexual orientation?
I'm Trisexual.  I'll try anything once.

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
HA!  Yup.  I start them myself.

50) Do you believe in magic?
Abracadabra...I will have something interesting to say....Nope.  Didn't work.