Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Someday I will post again...

The last several months have NOT entirely sucked, and I know you don't want to hear happy shit.  Happy shit is boring.

Eventually I will be back.  Lila starts Kindergarten next week.

I hope you will still be there.


Saturday, May 5, 2012

No matter what you say, it's a shitty job.

When you become a mother, there are hundreds of things that no one warned you about.  The bleeding nipples, the constant worrying, how you can both love and want to strangle your child at the same time.  For me, ALL OF MOTHERHOOD was a shock because I never really paid attention when people with kids talked before. 

But the thing that I am finding the most surprising, or perhaps the most difficult to deal with is that it has made very clear exactly what my mother did right.  Lately though, it is becoming more and more obvious what she did wrong.  Not that I didn't already go through therapy for a hundred years and deal with all my Mommy blame issues.  Up until recently, I really thought I had forgiven her.  I had decided that I was going to just use what I knew to not make the same mistakes with my child.   And I do a really good job of providing Lila with structure where I had none.

There are plenty of things that I already knew about my mother.  My mother (just like I do) suffered from a debilitating depression through most of my childhood.  Because of this, she had little patience for my greedy desire for attention and would disappear at night to see her friends to be someone else for a few hours and forget her problems.  The depression also made it hard for her to commit me to anything.  No instrument lessons or dance or extra-curricular activities because committing me meant a commitment for her. I also know that she never pushed me, never gave me chores, never taught me to sat goals, never gave me boundaries.  I always just slid by.  I was smart.  I was pretty.  I was a kid and didn't know that I was lacking life skills because I was always able to talk myself out of any setback. 

As a mother suffering from depression, I often find that I am too overwhelmed or exhausted to hear another whiny plea for a toy.  I desperately want to just give in and let Lila watch TV all day and eat whatever the hell she wants because it is REALLY FUCKING HARD to sit there any listen to her cry when I ask her to do the things she needs to do.  But I don't.  Because my job as a parent doesn't allow me to.  And as much as I want to take a handful of Xanax and walk away sometimes, I CAN'T.  I understand the avoidance and withdrawal that my mother needed in order to preserve what little energy her illness left her with each day.  I understand how much easier it would be to just decide I don't really care and just give in.  It is easier to see your child happy than unhappy.  I forgive her for feeling that way.  Because I feel that way every day.

My mother is long recovered from her depression.  She found medication that keeps the worst of it away and has worked out some of her own demons with a therapist.  But here's the thing.  As my child's daycare provider, the person who Lila spends several hours each day, my mother STILL does all these things.  And it fucking infuriates me.

All the things that I demand of my child, all the ways that I try to mould her into a well-behaved, appreciative, cooperative kid is undone every single day.  It seems that each time I pick her up, there is some argument with my mother because she has again disregarded my wishes and given something or allowed Lila to do something I have told her not to.

For example, (and believe me, this is just one) Lila was getting stomach aches.  It occurred to me that she ate grilled cheese sandwiches a lot and those give ME stomach aches.  So I told my mother not to give her any for the entire week to see if she still has stomach aches.  And what did Lila have for lunch THE DAY AFTER I told my mother this?  A MOTHERFUCKING GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.  And when I asked my mother why the hell she gave Lila a grilled cheese sandwich, she shrugged and said, "that's what she wanted for lunch."  I often have to remind my mother that Lila is 4.  She wants an elevator in her bedroom closet and wants to get a pet Lion.  Four year olds are not allowed to make every decision in their lives.  That's why they need babysitters.

Of course, my mother maintains that she does these kinds of things because she is a GRANDMOTHER and that grandmothers are supposed to spoil their grand kids, which would be fine if Lila went over there once a month.  But that's not even the point.  Little things like this only remind me of why as an adult, I have such a hard time with moderation and why I am  (illogically) crushed if I cannot get people to give me the things I want. 

I have posted a few blogs about my mother spoiling Lila, and you will find plenty of examples here,
here, and also here of how my mother refuses to listen to me with regard to how I choose to raise my child.  In her mind, I turned out just fine and so she must have done things right.  BUT I DID NOT TURN OUT FINE!!!  I am selfish (I was given whatever I asked for), I am lazy and unmotivated (there was never an incentive for doing anything or a punishment for not doing it) , I am very smart but cannot finish anything (no one ever made sure I did)  and I have always been an underachiever (how do you push yourself if no one every pushed you to do ANYTHING you said you didn't want to do?).  Additionally, it never clicked that other people actually SET GOALS for the things they wanted to do and worked toward them until I was 26.  I always just had things "happen" to me.  Don't even get me started about money problems (my parents' view of money and credit are seriously fucking ridiculous - my mother believes in signing up for every credit card that she possibly can, and then maxing them out and making the minimum payments because "I won't be around that long anyway.  I might as well get the things I want now before I'm dead.  NO I AM NOT JOKING). 

(I have already posted about how shitty I am as an adult HERE)

I KNOW that she gave these things to me. I blame her because my father just went along with whatever my mother said.  And at some point in my mid-twenties, I realized that it was no longer her responsibility and it was up to me to try to change these deficiencies.  And I really thought I had forgiven her because when I became a mother (and subsequently a mother with depression), I UNDERSTOOD why she did the things she did. 

But I look at myself with Lila and I can't help but to be angry at my mother.  Because I don't want to have to instill those things in her.  I don't have any idea how to, because I suck at them myself.  In fact,  I want to be left the hell alone most of the time.  But I know what I have to do.  This isn't some transcendental knowledge or wisdom that I have.  This is what fucking parenting is.  It is all about responsibility.  It is about loving someone enough to do what they NEED even of they fucking hate you for it.  It is filled with difficulty and discomfort and headaches and insanity.  But that's all just the basic part of the job.

Why did she do what was easy with me?  And why does she refuse to listen when I try to tell her that love is not just buying Lila toys and letting her throw several blobs of raw cookie dough at the ceiling so she can laugh when it sticks (nope, not kidding about that either).  It is about setting limits so that she knows what to expect.  It is about making sure she is getting the foods she needs to grow and learn and feel good. It is about telling her that you will not tolerate bad behavior because you don't want her to grow up to be a total asshole.  She does not understand this.  She says she does, but she reverts to the things that I described the next day. 

This makes me feel disappointed in her.  I am disappointed that she didn't do better with me.  I am disappointed that she never bothered.  I am disappointed that she thinks love is about temporary happiness, even if it destroys the future potential.  I am just so fucking sad about it. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Why? on Wednesday - Celebrity Edition

I was really stressing out because I haven't really been inspired to write anything lately.  But I was determined that today I was going to post SOMETHING so I opened up the interwebs and I was blessed when THIS shit graced my home page...

"Actress and vegan diet enthusiast Alicia Silverstone has a strange way of feeding her 11-month-old son Bear Blu. In a video posted on her healthy living website thekindlife.com, Silverstone chews a bite of food and then passes it straight into her little boy's mouth mama-bird style."

When I saw the headline, I had a moment of thinking "Wow, that kid is NEVER going to live that down. Elementary school is  going to be difficult for him."

Then I saw his fucking name. 


Clearly she hates her kid.

As if it isn't bad enough that she named him BEAR fucking BLU, she POSTS A FUCKING VIDEO of her feeding him like a fucking bird. 

I am not offended that feeding her kid her chewed up food is kind of bizarre and gross (because CLEARLY it is).  I mean, I let my kid eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs and really, when you know where that shit comes from it's kind of just as gross. 

And before you go yelling at me for my ignorance, YES! I do realize that before blenders and baby food, mothers did this shit all the time.  And that tribal mothers and mothers in less "western" parts of the world do this all the time.  But seriously, Alicia.  SERIOUSLY...Does he have to fish it out of your mouth with his tongue?  Couldn't you use your fingers or a pair of tongs or something?

What really bothers me is that celebrity parents have no concept that when they make their personal random proclivities public (and SERIOUSLY, what IS it with the ridiculous names) they give their kids just ONE MORE THING that their mean classmates will be able to dig up and torture them with.

I just don't understand what the fuck is it with celebrity parents who purposely set their kids up for a disastrous life of mental illness.  I mean, seriously.  Children of celebrity parents tend to have the deck stacked against them sanity-wise WITHOUT making out with their mothers in a video posted on the internet.

Please, Alicia Silversone.  Think about your son's future. It's fine if you want to practice "alternative parenting techniques" and emulate some !Kung bush mother.  FINE.  Keep it to yourself and your (future serial killer) son.  But for the love of GOD, change his fucking name and stop posting your freaky hippie parenting techniques all over the interwebs for his friends to usen someday as ammunition to bully him into snorting a brick of crack and killing a hooker. 

Unless, of course you are purposely trying to create a superhero (because they all haven horrible traumatic events in their childhoods), and in that case, YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sick Kid, Broken Mirrors and Sparkles

Lila is sick again.  Last night we ended up taking her to Urgent Care because she had a fever of 103.5 that wouldn't go down with Tylenol.  Turns out she has Strep Throat.  And because I love my kid (don't tell anyone) and wanted to make sure she got her Motrin and antibiotics every 6 hours, I brought her to bed with me. 

There is a very simple reason why I NEVER let Lila sleep in bed with me.  Because although I LOVE the idea of her cuddled up next to me with her little head nestled in the crook of my arm, in reality she wakes me up every time she moves, talks in her sleep and physically assaults me throughout the night.  She literally slapped me in the face THREE TIMES.  IN THE FACE! 

So I am waiting for her to wake up and get the hell out of bed so that her father can watch her all day and I can go BACK to bed and get some sleep.  Which is a shame because it's damn near 70 degrees outside already and it's only 10 am. 

So to amuse you this morning, here is the Sunday Stealing you have all been waiting for.

Sunday Stealing: The Her Head Is Part Missing Meme

1. What is your most annoying habit?
Going online to check my bank balance (or some other really quick little thing) and coming away 4 hours later not knowing what the hell happened.

2. What habit would you change of your partner's?
(I added the apostrophe and it made MUCH more sense...)  All of them?

3. Horrors or Chick Flicks?

4. What is the most outrageous thing you have done in the back row of the movies?
Fell asleep.  I saved all my outrageousness for basements and back seats.

5. When have you lied to get a job?
Never.  The Jedi mind trick has never failed me.
As you can imagine, that line works like a charm.

6. What one thing is on your list to do before you hit 30, 40, 50 or whatever significant birthday is next?
Convince everyone that I am their savior.  Then sit back and laugh as they formulate a world-dominating religion around me.

7. Classic or modern films and why?
Both because I am not a pretentious "film" asshole. 

8. If you were a vampire who would be the first person you would bite?
Myself if I sparkled. And I would spend the rest of eternity apologizing for being one of the douchy Twilight vampires.
I couldn't pick which one I liked better.

9. If you had the power to make one thing better, what would it be?
My poor sick kid.

10. What makes a great blog?
Honesty.  And pictures stolen from the Internet with witty captions.  Especially if someone is offended.

(This is what REALLY makes a great blog)

11. What was the inspiration that brought your blog to the blogosphere?
All you need to know is the name of my blog.  No one wanted to admit it and I was like "yeah, well it fucking sucks.  So there."

12. What easily ticks you off (puts you in a bad mood quickly)?
Stupidity, people who can't spit out what they're trying to say, people who ask me what the hell I'm talking about.

13. How many children do you have?
One.  And seriously.  That's more than enough.
It's only a matter of time...
14. Is there anything you have ever regretted writing on your blog?
No.  Except for some of these answers.

15. What’s your favorite blog post you have written this year so far?
It's been a pretty rough year for writer's block.  I haven't written much.  Maybe this one. Or this one about the non-genderized kid.  Notice they're both angry rants...

16. Do you ever enter other bloggers competitions, and have you ever been lucky?
I don't because I am literally the unluckiest person alive.  Want to hit the lottery?  Ask me to pick 45 numbers and play the ones I don't pick.  Seriously. 

This is how I start my day.

17. If you could be anyone else for the day, who would you choose and why?
Lila.  That kid lives in the lap of luxury.

18. If you could time travel to any period of history what era would you visit?
25 A.D.  I want to see what Jesus was really all about.     

19. If you had to be genetically modified, would you rather have a third arm, a third leg, a second head or some other modification???
I would want a third penis. 

20. Which Disney character can you most relate to?
Any of these guys:

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

WHY? on Wednesday

With all the wars that we, as a culture seem to be waging, I feel that there is one serious and criminal offense that no one is talking about.  Sure, you've all heard about the war on terror, the war on poverty, the war on childhood obesity, and the war on drugs (how's that been working out?).  But I am here to declare war on something else.

Those terrifying couple's pregnancy portraits. 

Here's how I imagine the conversation went:
Photographer: Let's do something that
      really represents your personalities.
Pregnant Lady: Well, he's a huge baby
      and I am a huge drunk so......

There is nothing cute about them.  Even the more tasteful ones (and I use that term loosely) are fucking awful. 

There is a fine line between THIS one, and
having this next one hanging on your mantle to
make everyone uncomfortable at Christmas dinner:

 It's okay to love your dog....but it's not
okay to LOOOOVE your dog.

Before you attack me and tell me that I am a horrible, unfeeling human being, I want you to know that I GET it.  I understand that this is a special time and that you want to have an artistic representation of this most glorious time in your lives together.  But seriously.  Do you have to do THIS:

or THIS:

or even THIS:

Seriously.  How about if you pull out the digital camera and just take some nice photos with your clothes on and no props and then keep them to yourselves?  Because once you cross that line of putting your most intimate moments on a Christmas card, the law should step in and confiscate the photos forever. 

Don't think anyone would do it?

I am sure 2nd cousin Danny was
thrilled when this came in the mail.
And it isn't really just the couple's portraits.  There are some serious mishaps with the pregnant ladies alone too:

Someone should rescue her!  She must have opened a
meteor like Stephen King did in Creepshow!

Children of the Corn?
I am  not alone in my distaste for these awful photos.  There are entire websites devoted to this stuff.  And if there are enough people out there who want this insanity to stop, then perhaps you should think twice before you pull out the mop and broom and pose for with your significant other with your gigantic belly sticking out.

Seriously.  A MOP?
Just to further prove my point, I present the following:

Who are we showcasing here?
Whose idea do you think this was?
They clearly have been training for the zombie apocalypse.
I'm just saying....

Monday, March 12, 2012

The post that took forever.

This post is full of questions and answers so if you want to know who I am passing them along to, just scroll to the end. But you know you don't want to miss out on my totally serious and heart-felt facts and such...And now for the actual post:

Holy Shit!   I received not one but TWO awards!

For those of you who cannot believe that I am worthy of TWO awards in one week, you are really going to shit yourselves when you see the name of the award I was given by Christal on her blog The Real Housewife of Santee
Her blog is full of insight and things that we can all relate to (see You Know You're Not Hip Anymore When... and Stuff White Parents Do, which made me realize that I am not a bad mother, I am clearly just a black woman). 

More incredible (and I mean that you will not believe it) she bestowed THIS upon me:

SUNSHINE!!!!!  ME!!!!!!

The rules of the Sunshine Award are as follows:

1. Include the award logo in a post or on your blog.
2. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
3. Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers.
4. Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know that they have been nominated.
5. Share the Love and link back to the person who nominated you .

Sunshine Awards Questions:
1. What is your favorite color?
Blood Red. Because I am not allowed to murder anyone with my own bare hands no matter how bad their grammar is.

2. What is your favorite animal?
Badger...Have you EVER seen a happy badger?

3. Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink?
Coffee...because crack is illegal

4. What is your favorite number?

Bling that shit!

5. Facebook or Twitter?
I have tried to love twitter. I have. But none of my actual friends use it. So I only see Tweets from Charlie Sheen, Alec Baldwin and encoded links from blog posters. I will go with Facebook.

6. What is your passion?
What I really love is napping. I seriously think I have a problem because I will lie, cheat and (not really) steal to have a nap.

7. What is your favorite time of day?
Bed time when I lay there with Lila and tell her happy dreams. 
8. Favorite day of the week?
Well thanks to this pic, it's Friday:
9. Favorite Flower?
Bleeding Hearts. SOOOO appropriate. Plus, when you say it, you kind of picture this:

This is actually A FUCKING CAKE!!!!!
Lilli Vanilli was offering this for Valentine's Day.  Go look.
10. Give or Get Presents?
I know that this is going to sound different than I mean it, but I really hate gift giving. I hate shopping and suck at crafts and so I usually just give something lame like scented candles or gift cards. Since I am usually broke, I can never give the kinds of gifts I imagine giving or that I think that the person deserves.

The second (I know!  But it's true!) award comes from Magical Mystical Mimi and it is the Versatile Blogger Award.


Mimi is one of my new blog friends who like me, doesn't just follow other bloggers  She stalks them.  Mimi shares my love of answering random questions and appreciation for "salty" language.  Her blog is funny and easy to spend hours reading.  (Plus I never tire of "bich-es"...)

(Yvonne from Attracted to Shiny Things passed this back to me yesterday.  I am NOT doing another post today.  I hope the bloggy gods don't frown upon me for not adding more random facts.  But seriously, I think I am facted out)
The rules to this one are as follows:

1. - List 7  random things about yourself that people most likely wouldn't have known.
2. - Pass this award on to other fellow bloggees that you adore.
3. - Link back.

7 (more) Random Facts:

1. When I was pregnant, I claimed I was nauseous CONSTANTLY to get out of doing anything I didn't want to do. 

2. I can't remember the last time I spent more than $15 on a bra.  I knew that my youth (and sex life) was over when I found myself buying bras and underwear at Wal-Mart.

3. No matter how many times I listen to a song on my Ipod, if it comes on the radio spontaneously it is SOOOO much better.

4. I am allergic to raw eggs, but not cooked eggs.

5. I got acrylic nails for the first time 2 months ago, and am finding it really hard to not spend all day digging between my real nail and the acrylic tip to dig dirt out.  I may have to give up my nails because I am spending HOURS of my day doing this.

6. I really don't have many interesting things to say.  Seriously.  Coming up with random facts is REALLY difficult.

7. Even though I am a mom, I cannot CANNOT pretend vomit is ok, even for my kid.  I gag and have to look away every time.  It kind of makes me feel bad.

I am going to pass each award to just a FEW people, because, SERIOUSLY...who has this much time?  I have already been working on this for 6 days (nope, not joking).

Remember to follow the rules....

The Sunshine Award goes to:

YVONNE from Attacted to Shiny Things.  Because hers is one of my all time favorite blogs and I give her every Goddamned award I get.  Because she seriously sees the world in a totally whacked-out way and describes it hilariously. I also believe that we might somehow psychically share thoughts.  (She's also lucky I'm not passing the Versatile Blogger Award back to her AGAIN!!!)

  • IRIS at The Bearded Iris. She also always makes me laugh.  Plus this bee-atch has incredible DIY abilities and takes beautiful photos. 

  • MOOKIE at Mind of Mookie.  I can't help but love a male perspective.  Especially when it's smart and funny.  Don't let the testosterone scare you off!

AND the Versatile Blogger Award goes to

  • JENN over at Random Lunacy.  She is a very smart cookie and you should read her.

and I seriously passed this along just recently so I cannot possibly come up with any more...

p.s. I started writing this on Wednesday the 7th.  It is now the 12th.   Yeah...that long.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's Not Lying. It's Choosing Your Battles.

A few days ago, Ben and I took Lila out for lunch at a cute little local diner. The place was decorated for St. Pats day with the typical green sparkly shamrocks and clovers all over the place.

One large decoration caught Lila’s eye. It looked like this:

Here is the exact conversation that happened between us:

Lila: What is that called?

Me: It’s a shamrock, or a 3-leafed clover.

Lila: No it’s not.

Me: Yes. It is.

Lila: There is no such thing as a 3 leafed clover. Only 4 leafed clovers.

Me: Actually, all clovers have 3 leaves. But if you find an extremely rare one with 4, it is considered lucky. Because it’s so rare.

Lila: Clovers only have 4 leafs.

Me: Did you hear what I just told you?

Lila: Yes, but I don’t believe you. That’s not a clover.

Me: Okay. I am lying. That’s just a weird Irish Tree.

If you have ever tried to win a debate with a four-year-old, you know that you cannot win because they have no desire to know the truth and basically don't give a shit about actual facts. Their only objective is to infuriate you.

Later that same day, we had a similar conversations in the car when Prince's 1999 was playing on the radio:

Lila: Is this the song that was played at your friend’s wedding?

Me: I don’t think so.

Lila: Yes it was.

Me: They weren’t playing this kind of music at all. 

Lila: This song was played at the wedding.

Me: If you're so sure, why did you even ask me?

Lila: I think it was.

Me: Okay, it probably was.

Lila: I KNEW IT!

Most of the time, it is best not to even try to present actual facts, because they don't care.  They just want to be right.  There are usually a thousand times each day where I  find myself just letting her think that she is right even when she is CLEARLY wrong.  I will usually tell her the truth once, and if she argues I just tell her she's right.  For example:

“ You were wearing a red shirt yesterday.” I wasn’t but I guess black is close enough to red.

“50 plus 50 equals 150.” No, but I am not going to find a calculator to prove you wrong or pull out a hundred pennies to demonstrate, so whatever.

“Macaroni and cheese is good for you.” Well, it’s not, but since the only other thing you are eating this week is Junior Mints I am going to go with it.

“When I am 12, I will be old enough to have my own house.” OH, if only that were so!

This brings me to something I saw recently on the Today Show about how often parents lie to their children and how it can apparently completely ruin their lives and give them a lifetime of trust issues.   Of course, the media ran with this as a theme and took every opportunity to have “experts” come on and tell parents that if you lie to your kids, you may even turn them into crack addicted schizophrenic sociopaths (my summary, not an actual statement).

I, for one, think this is TOTAL BULLSHIT. Childhood is specifically suited for made up stories and mythologies that help to make the world make sense. I refuse to believe that Santa or Leprechauns or wishing on a star are things that are going to destory my kid's psyche.  Plus, I don’t know you, but I learned about religion at an early age and there is no one out there claiming that any of those myths are psychologically damaging.
Ok, this kid was probably traumatized.  She looks PISSED!

In addition to the lies by omission, where I refuse to spend spend 3 hours trying to convince Lila that she is NOT a hyena, there are the actual lies that I have told to make my life easier. 

When Lila was 2, we had to take her bottle away (don’t judge…it was my mothers fault as you can see for yourself
HERE).  We decided that this was also the perfect time to get rid of her crib and get her a toddler bed.  So we concocted the ba-ba fairy.  The ba-ba fairy came one night whie she was over at Grandma’s and left her a note saying that she was taking all her ba-ba’s and leaving her wonderful new bed and a big pack of sippy cups.  It was just easier than attempting to explain that at 2 years old, having a bottle was damaging her teeth and that other moms were saying I was guilty of some backwards form of child abuse for allowing that to go on for so long. 

Is this going to cause resentment in her someday?  Probably not.  I actually don't even think she remembers it. 

And then there are the blatant lies I have told her to make her do what I want.

“You have to eat carrots or you will go blind. True story.”

"If you don't go to sleep then morning won't come."

“I called the doctor about that tiny scrape (link) you’ve been crying about for 2 hours. She says that if it hurts that bad, we can go in and she can take the leg off.”

"Mommy has a headache so you need to be quiet."

Let’s be honest. Our parents all lied to us too! And for the most part, I can confidently say that the fact that they lied about who left me Christmas presents or where babies came from did not cause me to need intensive psychological help. The fact that they were completely fucking crazy did. And I suspect THAT will be why my kid seeks therapy someday too.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I'm Just Not Into You, Dolphins.

Oh there's more where this came from...
Sunday Stealing: The Eve Was Framed Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Why is your favorite color your favorite?
Blood red reminds me of blood.  Duh!

2. Do you prefer dogs or cats or do you just hate animals, and want to kill baby seals?
Hahahaha.  I prefer cats, but seriously, I am not really an animal lover. I hate dolphins.  And I have been told that this clearly means I am a terrible person because it is nearly impossible to hate dolphins.  But I do.  F**k dolphins.

Dolphins are assholes.

3. How much time do you spend on the computer?
If you don't count the amount of time I just tool around and look at LolCats, then none. 

4. Not including porn, what do you do on the computer?
I make smartassed someecards, play on facebook and troll my blog friends' blogs.  Oh, and I internet stalk you.

5. Are you a clock watcher?
I'm a Wheel Watcher.  (If the song instantly came into your head when you read that you get 10 points.  If you know what I am talking about you get 5 more points)

6. What do you/did you look for in a partner?
I like a guy who has a criminal past and a 4 lb penis. 

7. What type of clothing do you prefer?

I like to stroll around in a trench coat and black socks with the calf garters. 

8. What is your favorite type of music? 
Bad music.  Like this:

9. Do you believe in the paranormal, Ghosts, ESP, levitation, spoon bending?
Yes.  And I can predict the future:  You are going to scroll down...See?

10. The most important question: Do you have a inie or outie belly button?
I had an outie until I got fat.  The fat ate my belly button. 

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A Toyota but I am looking into this:


12. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun or The Boys Are Back in Town?
(whisper) Boys are back.  The boys are back.

13. Camping or the Ritz?
I don't believe in camping.  My idea of roughing it is living out of 3 suitcases.

14. What food are you craving RIGHT NOW . . . did you eat it?
If I ate it, I wouldn't still be craving it...But nothing.  I ate a HUGE meal a few hours ago and still feel like exploding.

15. The most thrilling place you've ever visited. Why?
Adult World.  Because anything that has "land" or "world" at the end is OBVIOUSLY thrilling.  Plus it is a dirty store and soon to be subject of a movie starring Jon Cusack (true story-google "Adult World" and "Jon Cusack").

16. If you could slip into the skin of one public figure--celebrity, artist,--who would it be?
I would want to be Rush Limbaugh, and I would have gay sex, perform an abortion, smoke some crack and then kill myself, all on camera. 

Yes, you.

17. Look up from your computer. What do you see first?
The wires hanging from the flat screen that Ben was supposed to hide so that I don't have to look at them every time I look up from the computer.

18. Sum up your philosophy of life in one sentence. You can borrow it from someone else, if you'd like.

19. Name the one thing you just don't understand about kids today.
Why they need so many things...food, water, shelter.  It's crazy!

20. If you could steal one work of art from a museum or gallery, which would it be?

Yes.  It's a CAT RODEO!!!
There is a whole series of these which really deserve their own blog post.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Because Wildlife Sucks.

We have a squirrel problem. 

Last winter we started hearing scratching in the walls and would randomly have a brown squirrel peeking through the window of our bedroom taunting the cat to come get it.

The squirrel was living in the space above the ceiling of our front porch and we put out a humane trap to catch it.  We scattered a few peanuts and apple slices inside the cage and thought for sure that we'd get him.  But the squirrel was smarter than us. 

That little fucker managed to get ALL the food out without ever stepping foot into the trap not once, but 3 nights in a row.  On the 4th night we put out a whole apple, figuring that he would HAVE to go in to get it because the apple is too big to be pulled out.  In the morning, half the apple was in the cage and the cage was shut, but the squirrel was no where to be found.   

Ben's first thought was to get a BB gun, but I insisted that he call a squirrel catcher to come get it.  We searched online and everything I read said that squirrels are EXTREMELY hard to get rid of.  Ben reminded me of our former (obviously bat shit crazy) neighbor who told us that the squirrels will come back year after year and that she ultimately had to trap them (you may want to look away now) and drown the entire family of them in a barrel.  But we don't really have a lot of random barrels and I also think that borders on completely psychotic. 

I begged Ben to just call an exterminator so that the nest could be removed properly so that they didn't come back next year.  But since Ben is a manly and clearly he can patch a hole better than anyone else who has ever had a squirrel problem, he decided he would take care of it. 

Ben went up and patched the hole the squirrel was using as a foyer and waited.  Nothing.  No sound, no squirrel.  Done.  Right?

The next day, the squirrel was back rabidly gnawing at the patch trying to get in.  It was not deterred by the water we sprayed it with or the rocks we threw at it.  Ben had a guy working on our house doing some painting and it literally chased him into the house.  The squirrel was completely freaking out. 

This is from scienceblogs.com.  Seriously.

That night at about 3 am, we found out why.

We started to hear this awful screeching noise.  It sounded a little like the noise a washing machine makes when one of the belts is faulty except not continuous.  It would happen for a few minutes and then stop.  Ben thought that the squirrel was standing outside our window screaming but it didn't take long for me to diagnose that the screaming was coming from inside the bedroom wall.

The squirrel had babies.  And now the babies were dying inside our wall. 

This was when I was in the trenches with my depression and the wailing squirrel babies were too much for me to take.  I was pretty sure that we were going to burn in hell for killing the baby squirrels and the sound was gut-wrenching.  I cried until morning and sent Ben out as soon as the sun came up to unpatch the hole.  We would have to wait until we knew the babies were gone.

Several days went by, and one day we were getting Lila into the car and we saw the squirrel doing something extremely creepy.  If you've never seen a squirrel climb down the side of a house with a black squirrel baby coming out of its little squirrel mouth, please know that it is the stuff of nightmares.  The thing LITERALLY walked down the side of the wall with the baby squirrel curled up with it's little back legs wrapped around mama squirrel's head.  I still have nightmares.

This was GREAT!  We waited another couple of days and it was time to patch that sucker back up. 

Summer came and went and so did fall.  We had no problem.  The rabid asshole squirrel seemed to have found a happy home elsewhere and was no longer burrowing into our walls.  We actually kind of forgot about it and were making plans to put siding and a roof on the house in a few weeks. 

Usually I am not home in the middle of the afternoon, but a couple of days ago my mother had a doctors appointment and I was home with Lila.  I was in the bedroom when I heard that familiar scratching sound. 


I looked out out bedroom window to see if I could see it gnawing at the top of the porch but I couldn't.  So I ran outside and looked up and saw this gigantic fat black squirrel (not to be racist) giving me the eyeball while standing up on it's hind feet like a furry Clint Eastwood. 

It didn't look like this.

It looked like this.

But it wasn't the terrifying monster squirrel that caught my attention.  The squirrel had gnawed a gigantic hole into the side of the house.  Not the little corner where the original hole was.  This is gaping squirrel sized hole on the SIDE OF MY HOUSE.  I have no idea how the hell a squirrel manages to defy gravity and work on the actual WALL OF THE HOUSE but this guy did. 

I begged Ben at this point to PLEASE just call a squirrel exterminator (ex-squirrel-inator) to take care of the problem once and for all, but he insisted he would take car of it that day.  He didn't.  After mentioning it every for 2 weeks (and being accused of being a nagging bitch every time), yesterday I finally found the phrase that would motivate him to get his ass up there and patch it (because you know that there's no way that I am climbing up on a ladder and confronting giant rabies squirrel myself).  "Do it before it has babies in there!"

Today when I came home from work (I get out at 2 on Fridays), he was on the ladder with several pieces of wood and a tool belt.  Very official looking.  

As I got out of the car, it crossed my mind, but I am always the little dark rain cloud who thinks the worst and I tried not to say it but I did anyway.  "You're sure the squirrel isn't in there, right?"

He confidently told me that he hasn't seen or heard it all day so it MUST be gone.  "It could just be sleeping in there...in fact, the fact that it isn't scampering around out here snapping tree branches with its heft is a good indication that it is NOT gone..."  But I didn't say THAT.  I just dropped it.

Ben declared victory and went back to work. 

Boy I did NOT enjoy having to call him an hour later and tell him that the squirrel is now trying to claw its way out of the wall.  And he got all fucking mad!  At the squirrel!!!  Like he didn't just decide to take a shortcut (many).

Am I allowed to say "I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!!" 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Jersey Shore and Vice Presidents

Sunday Stealing: The Scottish Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Where are you from and where do you live now?
I am from one of the snowiest places in the country and somehow I am still here.

2. Favorite childhood story/book/film?
Story: The one that my parents told me trying to convince me I was normal; Book: The Story of Ferdinand; Movie: Purple Rain (I was a strange kid)

I really thought I would be Apollonia when I grew up.

3. If you could change gender for a day what would you do?
Sit home all day and watch Internet porn and masturbate?  Isn't that what guys do?

4. Do you feel you family is complete or would you like more/some children?
I believe I have been VERY clear on this.  I am done.

5. What do you do/Where do you work and do you enjoy it?
I work in the library as the in-house sexy library chick.  It's on my resume.

6. Which three words do you think sum you up?
Need More Coffee

7. If you were a fairy what magical powers would you possess?
I would stand on the shoulders of douche bags and convince them that they were crazy and that they were hearing God.  Not really a magical power, but it sounds like a worthy calling.

8. If you were invisible, where would you go and what would you do? Why?
See above.

9. What song can’t you listen to without crying?
2 Live Crew's Me So Horny

10. Which book changed your life – or at least made you think a lot?
The Catechism I had in 2nd grade.  It was around this time that I started to wonder why the hell Catholicism was so terrifying and began to think there might be something wrong with the "God" I had been taught about. 

11. Why do you blog?
Read my blog title.  In fact, I named it in response to this VERY question.

12. What is your top ‘me-time’ tip?
Don't spend it doing anything useful.  I recommend napping.

13. What can’t you live without?
Xanax, coffee, food, shelter, water, etc.

14. Which of all your blog posts are you most proud of and why?
I am proudest of my posts about my postpartum depression.  Because I feel other women need to know that they aren't alone in feeling like they hate their babies and that it doesn't mean they're terrible mothers.

15. Have you ever met a famous person? Who and where?
Yes.  I was a groupie. 

16. When did you last have a full nights sleep?
Last night.  I am so glad my doctor prescribed me Trazadone.

17. What would you think is harder: Going to work or staying at home with children?
Spending a few days alone all day with Lila always cures my desire to stay at home all day with her.

18. What are you doing for Easter?
Sacrificing virgins?

19. What is your favorite drink?
Coffee.  Oh! You mean alcoholic:
(From Smokin' Bones) Skinny Redheaded Hottie
"Looks good. Goes down great. Three Olives Cherry Vodka, lite sour mix, cranberry juice and a splash of Sprite®. Served on the rocks with a cherry on top."
20. Do you play any sports?
If napping was a competition, I would.

That might be hard to beat...

21. What is your most embarrassing moment?
This is actually pretty hard...I don't get embarrassed easily.  In case you haven't noticed, I am pretty shameless.

22. How clever are you?
Pretty clever.

23. Name a new favorite TV show?
The River.  Some episodes are corny, but some are completely terrifying and I love that!

24. Any guilty pleasures?
Jersey Shore.  But I hate to admit it. 

It brings out the cougar in me.

25. If you could have chosen your own name, what would it be?
Probably something like Amanda or Brittney.  I wanted nothing more than a "regular" name when I was little (in the early 80s).  But I love my name now.

26. Who do you most admire in life, and why?
I admire anyone who is known for not bullshitting. Stephen Colbert and Joe Biden come to mind.

It's not real but doesn't it seem completely plausible?
27. What is your most treasured possession?
It used to be the awful scrapbook I made when I was 12, but now it's Lila.

28. Tell your favorite funny joke…
Knock knock.
Go the fuck away!

29. What is your biggest fear in life?
That I am not really destined for world domination?

30. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? What does it remind you of?
Chocolate with Peanut Butter.  It reminds me of what a fat ass I am.