Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sunday Stealing

So I keep saying I love these things and today I found a perfect way to post while still being short on inspiration AND getting to do one of my favorite things...answering random questions.  Thank you, SUNDAY STEALING.

No, I don't know why it starts at number 41...

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
Stevie.  Did you know that EVERY YEAR in June, teachers buy eachother gifts?  I would HATE that.

42. What is something you need to go shopping for?
A therapist.  Seriously.  I like mine but I am currently going through a university and she is like 14 with ZERO real life experience.

43. Do you have the same first name as one of your relatives?
Um.  No.  I was named after a fictional character who is molested by her father then kills him and buries him in a pig sty.  Nope...not kidding.

44. What kind of car do (did) your parents drive?
Um...Am I 12?  My parents have a Hyundai.  Is this really interesting to anyone?  They're like 70.

45. Are you rich?
Yes...with love.  (I almost puked while typing that)

46. If you could spend one intimate night with a celebrity, no questions asked, never to see them again, who would it be?
I used to say Marky Mark but he's pretty lame lately.  I guess I will go with Adrian Brody.  Don't ask me why.  I like skinny guys.

47. I dont know where 47 went...

48. What famous person do you look like? Feel free to use this facial match program by clicking here. Show us at least the celeb photo.
OK.  This stupid program gave me Angellina Joli, who I ASSURE YOU, I do not look anything like.  So I will go with this instead:

We have similar arms.
49. What is the most daring thing you've done recently?
Told the truth about why I am unhappy?

50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
PASS.  Unless you bellieve in Immaculate Conception.

51. Which sex scandal of the last decade bothers you the most?
Weinergate.  Because he was one of the good ones.  Plus I want in on that.

52. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
Not currently but I did date a guy who turned out to be a con man and who managed to escape a 55 year sentence on a technicality.

53. What are your plans (or what have you done) for this weekend?
Nothing of note.  I actually plan to nap and send Lila to the neighbor kid's birthday party so I can nap some more.

54. Have you ever woken up and not known where you were?
Um.  Never. Mostly because I am not a huge drinker.  But I have woken up in the middle of the night wondering who I was.  IS that the same thing?

55. What were you doing at midnight last night??
Sleeping.  Seriously.  I am a mom.

56. Last restaurant you went to?
Chipotle yesterday.  I LOVE me some burritos.

57. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
Honestly?  10.  Plus a 3 hour nap yesterday.  And I plan to nap today as per 53 above.

58. Which is more distracting: Sexting while driving or sex while driving?
Sexting while working is a recipe for disaster.  Don't do it kids.  I am against doing much of anything while driving...except eating.  I can do that.

59. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Yes.  My mother is waiting for me to come get that kid out of her hair.

60. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Not since I was 8 months pregnant and needed to put pants on (rather than a skirt) for childbirth class...which I never ended up needing because I had a c-section for my breach baby.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Holy Shit! It's JUST A SCRAPE!

My kid scraped her leg yesterday.  This should not be blog worthy news but there are some things about her that you need to understand.

1. She has NEVER bled.  I am not kidding.  This kid has this weird inpenetrable skin and has never gotten a real cut.  Only bruises and bumps and scrapes that don't bleed.  Therefore:

2. Lila believes that a scrape is the most painful thing that can befall a person.  There is no way to convey to a kid her age that there are things like broken limbs, head gashes and period cramps that she may have to look forward to.

SO last night Lila was screaming like a banshee because her scrape was hurting her. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I am serious when I say she cried for 3 fucking hours about a scrape.  I am not downplaying this.  See if you can spot the scrape on her little knee:

Yeah it's hard to see.  Here is a super enhanced version with scrape seeking technology so that you can actually find the thing that caused 3 hours of misery:

Yes.  It's there.  No, it isn't a shadow.  It's a little scrape.  Did I mention that she cried about it for
3 fucking hours?????

After the first hour and a half, it was clear that no amount of pain relief ointment or band aids were going to help.  Because she just insisted that it made it hurt more.  And finally I had to resort to the mean trick that I swore I would never do.  I told her that if it hurts that much, we should go to the hospital and have it removed.  The leg. 

It's funny how she calmed right down and suddenly it didn't hurt as much anymore.  In fact, it felt so much better that she wanted to run around and have some ice cream. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday 15

I am at a loss for inspiration today and so I thought I would pull out an old myspace survey (because I used to be a junky) and give you 15 all new wonderful answers.

1. When was the last time you cried?
This morning while I was chatting on facebook.  Dumb right?

2. Have you ever faked sick?
Every day.  It's the only way I can lock myself in the bathroom and have 10 minutes without Lila needing something.

3. What was the last lie you said?
I am happy?

4. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Do we ever lose anyone now that we have Facebook?

5. Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

6. Where was your first sleep over?
My next door neighbor Stephanie's house. But I was homesick and went home in the middle of the night. Oddly, my next sleepover was also there like 4 years later.

7. Tell me about the drunkest you've ever been.
Gay bar.  Needed a ride home.  Suckered an old boyfriend (straight guy who happened to be there) into driving me.  Puked all over the sidewalk.  We hooked up after that too.

8. What drugs have you tried?
Pot and plenty of prescription ones.  I cant handle drugs.  I know it.  So I avoid them.

9. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
When do I get to come back to bed?

10. What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?
I had to make out with a douchy guy once.

11. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I barely believe in LOVE so I don't think I do.

12. If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go?
I would go slap the shit out of my 12 year old self.

13. Do you remember your dreams?
I have the most bizarre fucking dreams ever.  I remember them but wish I didn't sometimes.

14. Who was your first kiss?
Kevin Meyer on my 12th birthday at the skate shop.

15. Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?
hahahaha...I was a groupie so yes.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Samuel L. Jackson is the narrator of every parent's favorite bedtime story.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

They say they know VERY early

As a mother, I often feel the need to prescribe meaning to every little thing my kid does.  She likes to wear tappy shoes?  She needs to take tap lessons.  She wants me to buy her paint?  Maybe she'll be an artist.  Everything and anything becomes some prediction of her future.  I know this is insane but when she said what she said, I obviously raised an eyebrow.
The other night I was chatting with Lila, all relaxed and cozy and ready for bedtime when the subject came to her friends at preschool.  Devon is her BEST friend and she has to walk out holding hands with her every day.  She has professed her LOVE for Devon on many occasions and the two often kiss on the lips.  I just chalk it up to her being best friends with this other overly affectionate little girl.

Then she said something to me that I partially applauded and which also made me nervous.  "Mommy," she said.  "I think Devon is my boyfriend but she's a girl.  Is that okay?" 

"Of course it's okay," I said, as open-minded liberal free love mother of the year.  But somewhere inside (and this is a HUGE confession because I am completely in love with the gays on every level) I was nervous.  What if she is (gulp) a lesbian???? 

When I was pregnant Ben and I joked about how we wanted her to be a lesbian so that we wouldnt have to worry about teenage boys and I totally know that when it came down to it I wouldn't care.  But being gay is still a hard life in this country.  Who wants their kid to have to grow up doubting and being made fun of and not being able to marry who the hell they want?  Or being this guy:

They always go just a LITTLE too far...
image via

Then I stopped myself because I realized that she is not quite four and likely just has a little friend crush and isn't interested in boys yet.

But most people that I know DO say that they knew when they were VERY young...Shit.

On a totally unrelated side note, when I searched for a picture of lesbians, I couldnt get any to come up because there were too many explicit images.  There is something very wrong with that.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Lila's eating disorder


I am tired of doing dinner time with my kid. If I have her tell me her belly is full after 3 bites of lettuce one more time I am going to lose it.

I am seriously tired of it.

I am tired of telling her to stop playing and start eating.  I am tired of listening to her cry because I wouldn't make her chicken nuggets or mac and cheese because those are the only two things she is willing to eat.  I am tired of trying to get her to sit still for 5 minutes and eat and I am tired of the whining and crying about it.  I am tired of her telling me she's full and her belly hurts only to have her ask for ice cream or cake or a snack 15 minutes later.  I am tired of explaining OVER AND OVER that if she's got room for ice cream, she has room for carrots (or chicken or mashed potatoes or whatever).

Lila ALWAYS has room for dessert. 

I am tired of not being able to have a conversation with Ben at the table without Lila banging things or throwing something or getting out of her seat 200 times.

Trust me when I say that the whole "fine, go to bed without dinner" thing does not work.  She says that's fine, gets down and plays, and then cries for the next 4 hours because she is hungry. Then she is awake every 2 hours through the night.  The last time she went to school and told her teacher that I wouldn't feed her when she was starving.  I am even less willing to deal with that bullshit.

I refuse to be one of those parents who lets their kids have lax table manners and I truly believe that dinner time is important family time.  My parents say that I behaved at the table when I was her age.  I ate whatever my mother put in front of me (with a few exceptions) and I never expected dessert every night. 

I want to just stop feeding her altogether for a week.  Then see how she does when I say, "let's sit down and eat, shall we?" I bet that she'd be ready to sit and eat then.  

I don't bribe her with desserts.  She always brings it up.  I have stopped telling her "if you eat your dinner" and started saying "we don't have dessert so this is what you have to eat."  She cries EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I give her tiny portions and she still won't eat them.  In fact, I would argue that the less I put on her plate, the less she actually eats.

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG HERE???  Am I breeding a kid who is a shoe-in for an eating disorder later?  Should I just take her to the shrink now and get that inevitable process started?  And when did mothers start worrying so much about what and how much their kids ate?  I am pretty sure my mother didn't give a shit if I ate or not.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm not ready.

(Or Lila finds a new way to make Mommy insane)

"Lila, it's time for school.  You have to get up."
I'm not ready.
"Lila you have to eat some breakfast.  We need to get going."
I'm not ready.
"It's time to get dressed.  Come on.  We need to go in ten minutes."
I'm not ready.

"You have five minutes and then it will be time to go to the doctor."
I'm not ready.
"Can you get ready?"
I'm not ready to get ready.
"In five minutes you need to be ready."
I don't think I will be ready.

"Lila, it's time for dinner. Wash your hands."
I'm not ready.
"I need you to help me set the table."
I'm not ready.
"Well, it is time NOW so ready or not, I need you help me."
I'm not ready NOW.

"Lila, look at the clock.  In 5 minutes it's time for a bath."
I'm not ready.
"Right.  When the clock says 7:15 you need to be ready."
I'm not ready.
"Ok.  That's why I am telling you to watch the clock."
I'm not ready to watch the clock.
"Ok.  Well you have 5 minutes."
I won't be ready.

"We need to get your pajamas on and get ready for bed."
I'm not ready.
"ok.  Well, We have to do things we aren't ready for sometimes."
I'm not ready.
"Lila, if you don't get your pajamas on you don't get a bedtime snack."
"Well, I'm not ready."

Monday, June 6, 2011

I don't suck? Thanks!!!

HOLY CRAP!  I was given another award! 

YAY to MOTHERHOOD (OH AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN) for not noticing that I am so sick I haven't showered in 3 days and that all my posts have been a little sickly lately too.

But I will take it. 

First the official part that I have to do to accept this award:

Seven random facts about me:

1. My first year with Lila was so bad that I swore I would never have another baby.  And I am sticking to it.  I am not a praying woman.  But I cannot tell you how many times I prayed to God during Lila's non stop 10 hour crying fits and my 24 hour post-partum crying fits to just let me live through this without killing her or anyone else and I would never think I was smart enough to try it again.  He let me live. So I have to let Lila be an only child.  For everyone's sake.

"We have to pray just to make it today...Oh yeah, we pray..."

2. I think I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome even though I kind of don't think it's a real disease.  I keep being tested for every illness known to man (which is putting me into debt because I have no insurance) and they can't find any good reason for me to feel so crappy all the time.  I am going with it and asking for a prescription for 2 hour naps every day. 

3. I am in a pretty bad mood as I write this.  I am sick and Lila has been sick and Daddy's been away (hers not mine) and so I apologize for the whining.

4. I thought 30 days of books was going to be fun.  And it was.  For like 12 days.  But here on day 24 or wherever the hell I am , it is getting tedious.

5. I worked at Borders for like half of my adult life.  My only real dream is to one day open my own book store. 

6. I am pissed that Oprah quit before having me on. 

That's right, Oprah.  You missed out on this.  Cry me a f**king river.
7. My laptop is broken and I have to use Ben's computer.  It was put together sometime in 2003 and is the slowest thing I have ever used.  I am trying to get my blog to that "next level" but I am limited by this machine I literally CANNOT get it to log into twitter, which I can easily do on my PHONE!!!.  It also won't let me comment on blogger blogs for some reason.  And this post right here took me an hour.  Yeah.  I am serious.  So Although I am supposed to give this award to something like 15 blogs, I am probably going to have to limit it to 3 or 5.  And they will likely be wordpress blogs.  Unless I can go back to work in the next couple of days to use my work computer. 

Nominations to come.

(p.s.  as always, I just randomly googled these pics.  I have no idea who they belong to but they aren't mine)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Another Confession about Motherhood

As I sit here I am sweating and hyperventilating and having all the typical fight or flight panic symptoms. 

Am I being stalked by a wild animal?  You could say that.

Am I about to be attacked by some crazed lunatic in the middle of the night?  Maybe.

Am I simply underconfident and know I am going to have my will and my patience tested to the point of breaking?  Yes.  For sure.

What is it that is causing me such distress?  I am alone all weekend with my three-year-old.

For most of you this is probably where you roll your eyes and click over to TMZ or some youtube video of a cat getting its little head stuck in a glass while trying to get a drop of milk (I saw it.  It's cute, right?).  Because I know that for many of you who are single mothers or full time stay at home moms, this is nothing you don't do all the time.

But for me, it terrifies me to no end.

Ben had to fly out to Arizona to take care of some things that were left undone when we moved back here.  IT was a last-minute thing,  so I only had a couple of days to prepare myself for the hell that would unfold when Lila got bored/annoyed/angry/her usual self with me and started to work my last nerve. I did not have ample time to work out a plan as to what I would do instead of just calling in The Big Guns (also known as "Daddy") to take over for a little while so that I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

Me after the FIRST
12 hours of continuous

I am afraid of a three year old. Not that I would ever let her in on that.  OHHHH No!  This is something I keep on the inside while I go about my day making sure we both eat and sleep and poop and keep ourselves in one piece.

Because I KNOW that I am the adult.  I know that I am in charge.  I know that we will be fine.  There is really honestly not a doubt in my mind that we will both survive this 4 day MOMMY-FEST relatively unharmed and only minimally emotionally drained.  And yet, the IDEA of not having backup around the house fills me with nothing short of complete and absolute dread.

Am I the only mother who feels this way?  Should I be committed?  Is it wrong that I depend so heavily on another person to keep the peace around here?  Do I need a body guard?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

CRAP-TASTIC! - No, seriously.

I dont know why Lila sees the toilet as being pure evil.  It's not like I showed her this:

Image from
Well folks, after a year of begging and cajoling and trying ever suggestion (including bribery, trickery and just leaving her alone) Lila managed to take a crap on the toilet on Tuesday.  Not only that, she has crapped Wednesday and this morning as well.

I wish I could say it was her choice.  I wish I could say that I did what any loving and attentive parent would have done and let her come around on her own.  But I didn't.  I simply refused to buy any more pull-ups and it just so happened that she was sick and couldn't really hold it anymore.

I wish I could give credit to the gazillion suggestions I received from you all.  I wish I could say it was because I bribed her with a trip to Target for a new Barbie or because I told her I would take her to Friendly's for ice cream (Yes, I told her both of those things) but it wasn't.  It was just because Ben has a shitload of patience with her begging and crying that I don't have.

He was the hero in this one.  After me trying to talk her through it for about 15 minutes while she cried in sheer terror that she could not properly explain (because she is three), I gave up and called in the big guns. 

Ben went in and offered to take all the water out of the toilet so there would be no splash.  This helped but did not in any way make her want to go.  I sat in the hallway crying because this was obviously mean and cruel but I reminded myself that I had never heard of anyone so traumatized by having to shit on the potty that they became mass murderers.

Ben started asking her about school.  About who was sick and who was the "leader" and all of a sudden I heard her stop crying and squeak out a little, "I think I did it."

And she did.  She was so proud of herself and so we had to act like crapping in the toilet was the most incredible thing we had ever witnessed.  We told her she was brave and so big now and she just beamed with pride!

And of course, yesterday we went to Target where I managed to spend $22 on a Barbie and some other crap toys just to keep the momentum going.

So to all of you who reassured me it was going to be okay and that my kid would eventually stop crapping her pants, I say THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT.

Now I have to figure out how to properly wipe a kid's ass when she is half standing up.