Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Shitter.

"According to Freud, success at this stage is dependent upon the way in which parents approach toilet training. Parents who utilize praise and rewards for using the toilet at the appropriate time encourage positive outcomes and help children feel capable and productive. Freud believed that positive experiences during this stage served as the basis for people to become competent, productive and creative adults. "

-My kid is obviously fucked.

What my kid sees when she has to poop.
Lila is potty trained.  Mostly.  Several months ago with the help of a personal potty chart and some stickers, Lila threw aside the confines of baby diapers and a little 9-inch high potty chair for the big time.  She peed on the regular toilet.  From that day forward, she was very proud of her self restraint when she felt that "pee thing" coming and with hardly a single accident (except once when we were out at a restaurant and she didn't like the auto-flush mechanism) she joined the ranks of those of us who MUST sit to pee.

Now, let me reiterate that I swore up and down before the kid came that I would NEVER, EVER, be one of those people who talked about their kid's excretions.  But I swear, when you have them you just cannot help yourself.

Lila refuses to poop on the potty.  When I started the mission of getting her to stop sitting around with shit and piss in her pants, I expected some setbacks.  But there was nothing immediately.  I stopped putting her in pull-ups and let her wear her princess (or Dora or Tinkerbell or whatever) panties except for overnights, and she was fine with that.  Until the 3rd day, when she finally HAD to poop.

She asked for a pull up.  My instant reaction was to drag her to the bathroom and set her on the toilet and give her some books and tell her to work it out (no pun intended) on her own.  After about 15 minutes she started crying because she couldn't make it happen and begged for a pull up.  So I put one on her.  I consulted the Internet (because honestly, where else does anyone get guidance anymore?) and read that you should absolutely NOT get into a power struggle about it, and that in a few weeks, she'll be ready and will just do it herself.

For nine months now, Lila has refused to crap sitting on the toilet.  Every now and then (usually when I am on my last pull up and don't want to spend the cash to buy more) when she asks to put a pull-up on so that she can poop, I will suggest that she sit on the potty for a little while and see what happens.  But she has made it clear that even though she will sit there, she WILL NOT poop without a pull-up on.  We have tried emptying her poop into the toilet and although she thinks its fun, she will not deposit it directly from her ass to the toilet under any circumstances.  And although I have told her that she must at least poop in the bathroom, and she will sit on the toilet with a pull up on, she will not poop until I let her get up. 

If the cat can do it, my kid can too!

My pediatrician told me that her own daughter did this for a while.  Once the child started waking up in the morning with dry diapers consistently, she just stopped buying them.  She explained that the kid had a choice - she could poop on the toilet or she could go in her pants.  No one would yell at her but she would have to help clean it up.

So a few nights ago, when Lila declared that she was ready to sleep in her panties because she was big and wouldn't pee during the night, I let her  She did great.  And has done so for the last 5 nights.  She told me she was proud of herself and I told her I was proud of her too!  We called Grandma and she continues to tell every person we see.

The next time Lila told me she needed to poop, she asked for a pull-up again.  And I told her that the pull-ups are gone and she would have to go on the toilet like a big girl.  Lila cried.  But I gave her a pep talk and assured her that she would be fine.  We went into the bathroom and she tried.  Nothing happened.  She told me she knew it was right there but couldn't make it come out. I sat with her for 20 minutes.  I tried to get her to do visualizations.  I tried to distract her.  I made her take deep breaths.  I tried to make it a game.  Nothing worked. 

The pediatrician also told me that once you make the decision to take away the pull-ups, you SHOULD NOT go back on it. She said that if the kid holds it, then after a couple of days, give her a laxative and make magic happen.  So I told Lila that she can try again later and she begged for a pull-up.  But I was determined. 

Later that day we tried again.  Nothing.  The next morning she came to ME saying she was ready to try the potty again and so we did.  As she sat there it was obvious that she was proud of herself and I saw in her eyes the determination to make me proud too.a  But after about 15 minutes it was obvious nothing was going to happen.  She said she still had to go, that she could feel it, but she felt scared.  I gave her the usual, "there's nothing to be scared of" chat.  She asked for a pull-up and I said I didn't have any.  She started to cry.  Not a real cry, but a whiny "give me my way" kind of cry.  I held my ground.  I told my mother (who would be watching her for the day) to hold hers as well.  Lila begged for a pull up and the more she did that, the more mad I got.  This is something that kids her age do.  They beg and hassle and whine until you give in, and then they continue to manipulate you until you have no control over them anymore.  I would not be that parent.  We got her dressed and she told me her belly hurt and I told her she HAS to poop ON THE POTTY when she gets to Grandma's house.

A few hours later my mother called me.  Immediately she started in on me.  "Lila's belly hurt and she couldn't go on the toilet so I let her go to the bathroom in a pull-up and it hurt her so bad that she cried and she wouldn't let me hold her or go near her and I think there was a tiny bit of blood...I can't believe you made her hold it for 3 days!"  "First off," I said, "it wasn't 3 days.  It was 2 days and that isn't abnormal for her".  I tried to explain what the doctor told me.  My Mother explained that Lila was scared that I would find out that she went in her pull-up because she thought I was going to get mad at her.  My mother said Lila cried about that too.  And that was after the most traumatic shit anyone has ever taken by a person (I added that last flourish. My mother only IMPLIED that part).  My mother also told Lila that it only hurt because she held it for too long and that I should just let her have a pull-up when she asks for it.  Wow...Thanks for telling my kid how much I suck as a parent! And thanks for not allowing me to determine how I will proceed with these kinds of things.

But as the day wore on, the anger at my mother faded.  Now I was the worst mother in the world.  It wasn't that she was being a manipulative asshole, she was constipated and KNEW it was going to hurt.  The pressure from me trying to make her do what I wanted her too made it impossible and she suffered for it.  Plus, my poor kid thinks I am going to be mad at her for NOT being able to perform, and I am forcing an issue that every professional on earth (except obviously, for Lila's doctor) tells parents NOT to force.  And although everyone says "you never see adults who are afraid to poop on the potty walking around so she will obviously grow out of this," I cannot help but to imagine that Lila will always have some emotional scar because I tried to force her to shit on the toilet and instead she tore her ass out.  This will likely be the one thing that causes her to turn to teen sex, recreational drugs, and finally a career in porn.  I have ruined my kid forever.

That night as I left work, I felt horrible.  I thought she would be somber and mad and a little stand-offish.  I got to my mother's house to pick her up and I cautiously opened the door.  Lila's face lit up, and she ran to the door screaming and happy to see me as usual.  Apparently, she didn't even think about it and wasn't even slightly concerned that I had ruined her entire life.  Because I hadn't.  I talked to her about it but she kind of shrugged it off and when I told her we could try again the next time she felt it coming, she didn't seem nervous or upset but gave a smile and said, "Okay, as long as I can bring a book."


  1. I'm mad at your mom. That was effed up. For serious. lol

    You did exactly what I would have done, honestly. Except I actually lied to Miles and told him they didn't have pullups to fit him anymore. It sounds psychologically unsound until I add the fact that we encouraged him to wave "bye bye" to the turd as it went on to its next incarnation.

    He's 5 now, but still delights in crapping. He calls them Plops. Yeah.

  2. Oh. Mah. Gah...do you live in my house? The pooping resistant force is strong within my son. So strong he breaks me down and I give in because he holds his poop for days and his belly will bloat up like one of those "save the children" kids you see on tv.
    Ok and let's face it, me and poop are like superman a d kryptonite. Id rather clean it in a diaper than running down legs and in carpets...
    Why do they hate pooping? Ahhgghhh?!

  3. I am on my 3 kid potty training, a boy. He is totally throwing me off. I just don't know what or how to do it. I didn't have a problem with my 2 girls.

    It just sucks. Then you all get over it and its ok. You were doing what you thought would work.

    Good post! I enjoyed hearing that others struggle with this too.

  4. Why do mothers always think they know our kids better than we do?
    Good luck with the potty training. My daughter was terrified and according to my own mother, so was I. My daughter told me she was afraid the poop would drag her down the toilet with it. LOL

  5. Your mom sucks. Please kick her for me, mmmkay?
    Yeah, I remember sitting on the crapper, staring at my "prize" up on top of the shower. Usually it was a box of raisins. Really, Dad? Couldn't you have thrown down some M&Ms or something?
    Good luck with that... my monster just turned two so the battle with the potty is right around the corner.

  6. I would have done the same as you except I would have ripped my mother a new one for not doing as I asked. You handled it way better than I would have.

    Stopping by from Sunday Funday link up

  7. I totally understand where your mom was coming from BUT definitely think she should have not said anything remotely disparaging about you to your daughter OR to YOU! The poop deal is so loaded... lol. My third kid decided to start crapping his pants multiple times a day after he had been toilet-trained for over a full year. He did TT early... done completely even at night before he turned 2... truly... and with no pressure from me at all... honestly. But boy did it bite me in the ass a year and 3 months later! And I was pregnant and bad morning sickness and it was summer so all the kids were home... and he crapped his pants multiple times a day. It was chocolate chip bribes that finally got it handled...one chip for pee in the potty, two for poop. Worked like a charm. Just in the nick of time for his preschool that required the kids to be toilet-trained. Whew.

    It'll happen. It'll all be good. No porn career ;-)

  8. Yyyyyeah, what your mom did? Not cool. At all. I have a feeling that I may have the same issue with my MIL when potty training time comes. She likes to feed my kid M&Ms when I'm not looking and is convinced that undiluted juice is best, despite my telling her to please dilute with water.

    I'm glad I stopped by from the Sunday Funday linky & will be following your blog from here on out!

  9. Your mom was seriously out of line. If she had concerns, she should have brought it up to you and ONLY you. Better yet, she shouldn't have said anything. I have a temper, so my MIL & my Mom would have gotten a tongue lashing, even though I would know that they were only looking out for my kid. It's still MY kid.

    Good luck with future poops!

    (found you through Sunday Funday)

  10. Oh, for christsake..like your mother never did anything to fuck you up? I love how they suddenly morph into these angelic beings once the grandkids come along. As if they never locked us in the closet, or beat us with hairbrushes and made us walk to school naked...oh, wait...was that just me?

    Clearly, I jest. This is a great post. I see that it's like 5 months old, so I'm sure the concern is a thing of the past. It should be. Have I told you that I love your blog??

  11. I wish I could say it was. Stay tuned for my new post about poop.

  12. I can relate. My oldest did potty training just fine except for the pooping part. She would hold it for days until finally a little would leak out in her panties. We had to give her vegetable laxitives and she still learned how to hold it. I looked it up on the internet and from what I read I guess it was a control thing. Some kids need to feel as if they are in control of something and their bodies are really the only thing they can have full control over. She's 7 now and luckily by the time she was about 3 she just out grew it. Hang in there. It will get better, and you're not alone.


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