Tuesday, July 5, 2011

F**K YOU, GRAVITY!!!

Today I am going to talk to you about my boobs.  Not that I think you want to know, but because I need to vent and this is my place to do that and so I am doing it.



I remember a day not so long ago when I loved my boobs.  Really.  I did.  As a younger, less self-conscious girl, I often thought my boobs were my nicest feature and although small they were perfectly round, symmetrical and perky. 


I loved my boobs so much I would sometimes get drunk and feel the need to show them to the whole bar!  (Yup, I was THAT chick). 

I remember that I was always dressing them up in pretty bras and cute tops that showed them just right so that they would feel how incredibly special and appreciated they were, because I knew that age (and someday possibly motherhood) would take their toll.


When I got pregnant I cried because I knew that it would likely ruin my boobs forever.  The prospect of them getting bigger was truly exciting for me, but I was totally disgusted by the idea of anything coming out of them, because up to this point, they were not functional.  THEY WERE DECORATIVE.  And I liked them that way.  I was up for breastfeeding, but knew I wasn't going to be one of those mothers who stressed about it.  If the kid took to it (and they worked properly) I would do it and if not, I had no real problem with giving her a bottle.  But secretly, I think I hoped she wouldn't take to it because I dreaded the long stretched-out look that so many women ended up with after a year or so of having someone sucking at those things.



Finally the baby came, and although she seemed to have no problem tearing into my boobs and getting her fill from them, the scabbing and pain (which the breastfeeding lady couldn't seem to fix for me) was more than I was willing to deal with in the days after having my entire mid-section opened and a baby pulled out of there.  So I opted out.  And then the milk came in.  I was thrilled the day I looked in the mirror and saw this:

My boobs when the milk came in.
But they hurt like a bitch.  Good thing I wasn't breastfeeding and could take a ton of the pain killers I had left over from my c-section to dull that shit.  But that was temporary and within a year, everything was more or less back to normal except flatter and wider. 



This was not ideal, but I had a healthy (if not ill-tempered) baby girl to show for it and I had lost most of the weight without too much stressing. And honestly, stepping into the "Mommy" role made me totally uninterested in the state of my boobs, or the rest of my body for that matter.  I HAD GROWN A PERSON INSIDE ME FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!  What man could make THAT kind of claim?

For a couple of years I fell into that trap of not really bothering to shave my legs or trim the lawn or any of the other basic maintenance items that had been a total preoccupation for my younger, always-dating self.  I put on weight, which made my boobs fill out again and under the right tee shirt with the right bra, they totally looked bigger, better and more awesome than ever!


But the other day I was getting into the shower and for some odd reason (probably because it's bathing suit season again) I stopped in front of the full-length mirror naked and looked.  This is what I saw:

My boobs at the nude beach
 WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY BOOBIES??????

One was considerably bigger and the other was facing the wrong way!  My nipples have slipped downward and they hang more to the side than the front now!  I can only blame age and gravity (because I am NOT going to offend the several bowls of ice cream I enjoy each month) and can only imagine that this is normal and that most women have some kind of similar experience.

I felt betrayed.  I mean, my boobs were like my buddies.  I counted on them for a boost in self image when everything else failed me.  Bad hair day?  At least I have nice boobs!  Face breaking out?  My boobs sure look full today!  Period cramps?  At least my boobs look fantastic!  And now that's all gone.  What the hell am I going to do with them now?  I can't sell them.  No one would want them.  And I can't keep them covered up all the time (although I may try).  I suppose I could have implants and/or a nip/tuck kind of thing to yank them up to my chin but who the hell has the cash for that.

I suppose that in the end I will just have to accept that we had a good run and that the glory days of fantastic breasts are behind us. We went on many b-cup sized adventures together and I sure will miss the good old days of using you to seal the deal when I want to get backstage at a concert or just need some confidence for a date.   I just hope I can stop getting choked up whenever I see a KFC ad.


All photos were the result of google searches.

13 comments:

  1. This made me giggle. I too used to revel in the glory days of my bodacious tata's. I feel that are all I have left after the c-section I had, which left me with what I refer to as my "fanny pack" of extra skin. Sexy.

    Gravity hasn't quite gotten me that bad yet, but there is certainly some gelatinous shape shifting going on, more on my ass then my boobs, but I am sure they are getting the memo and I am ready to cry.

    being in your 30's sucks.

    They should prepare you for this in high school. Cut out algebra and put in buy-your-bra instead.

    http://sofckingfabulousipissglitter.blogspot.com

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  2. Ahhh, yes I can relate. I did breast feed, for 8 months. My lovely C cups went away and now I have, if I am lucky, an A 1/2. ICK. I can sometimes fit a B cup. What sucks more is that from the weight gained and my broad torso, I can rarely find a 44-A or 44-B. FML!! Sport bras are my friend.

    And who wants an A cup with stretch marks?? Not me!!

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  3. (a) check out Victoria's Secret new bras that add 2 cups sizes. They are my new best (breast) friends;

    (b) If you're lucky enough to have one of the 80% of husbands/partners who have no memory of what you looked like before (or thinks there is no difference), pretend you agree that there is no difference and that there never was a before picture (and remove all before pictures!;

    (c) what the hell were you thinking looking at a full-length mirror post-baby?! Promise me you will never go back and also that you will not turn around and check out what's back there. The only way I found out about that one was when I mistakenly went bathing suit shopping at a place with facing mirrors. Oh, the horror.

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  4. You made me giggle, lots and lots! I too have recently mourned the loss of my pretty, full, perky boobs. Ok, so my boobs were never "perky" persay, but they were cute and my one feature I could count on to get me through those days and nights when everything else went south, but at least I had my boobs! Now, bleh. I was horrified with what I had left. Then I discovered Victoria Secret actually had my bra size. I don't need the extra cup size, just the extra umph, so I wear the Angels bra. That damn bra saved me. I have "perky" boobs again and I show them off whenever I can. There is hope, my friend!!

    P.S. And I agree with Kid Id... throw away the full length mirror. The bitch in the mirror will mock you everytime and remind you of what you once were and never tell you about the amazing woman you've become.

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  5. OMG this is hilarious!
    I so understand and can relate.
    pregnancy, whether you breastfeed or not, ruins your boobs forever.

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  6. I needed this laugh today! I've never had a rack that I could flaunt (unless you count when I was pregnant, and as we all know, you don't really feel like flaunting them during those months... well, me anyway), but really hate the fact that they are heading south the older I get. *sigh*

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  7. Take out the part about having a child and I literally, practically word for word, could have written this entire post. Sigh. The thing that makes me cry is the Victoria's Secret catalog that (miraculously now that I don't have close to the body to work half of that crap anymore) manages to show up at least 200 times a week. At least you've got the kid to show for it, all I've got is a lazy attitude and ranch dip smeared on all my once cute tops...

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  8. I love this....the different shapes and sizes are perfectly accurate!!! My boobs are straight out of National Geographic...it's horrific

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  9. After 2 kids, my boobs look like those eggplant, only if they were halved, then grilled into wrinkled shriveliness.

    Cute post ~ came from TRDC.

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  10. AH MA GAH! This was the funniest thing I've read ALL DAY LONG! And I've been on the bloggess today, y'all! This was INSPIRED! I love it, YOU ARE GOING ON MY BLOG ROLL THIS VERY SECOND!!! (Not that you shouldn't have been there before, but because my house is such a cluttered mess all the time, I crave minimal. You, however, are making me go over my self-imposed "no more than 5 blogs on my blogroll" rule. Plus? I just like odd numbers.) YOU'RE THAT AWESOME!

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  11. BAHAHAHAHA! Freaking hilarious! I love it! I have four kids and breastfed 3. Your pictures make it real. You are now my Blog idol.

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  12. Came over from Sunday Funday. Love the pictures to go along with this post. I too wrote about boobs once, but it was about bras more than my boobs themselves.

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  13. Thanks for the truly rantastic rant!

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