Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Because Sucking is AWESOME

So the other day I am perusing my favorite Blog Attracted to Shiny Things (because I stalk it for new laughs all the time) and I see that she has been awarded this:

And all I can think is, "THAT BITCH!  I want that Goddamned icon on MY page.  Maybe I will just steal it and say someone gave it to me."  But as I read further down I saw something fucking incredible. 

 Not only did she give it to me (along with 9 other bloggers) but I was the FIRST which means that I am the best (I am feeling really humble today obviously).

So in order to claim my award, which I intend to do right now, I have to tell you "7 DEEP things about me" which is easy because some days I just LOVE to talk about myself, and pass it along to 10 awesome bloggers (harder because I have been stalking Attracted to Shiny Things so hard that I have barely read any other blogs in the last few weeks...)

Deep Things:

1. Although I have upwards of 400 friends on the Facebook, I have a mysteriously absent social life.  Seriously.  I don't know what happened to all my real life friends, but since I moved back to Upstate New York 3 years ago, I have had only a few outings that involved anyone other than my kid and her father.  Perhaps I should be spending less time on the Facebook.

2. Just when I had gotten to the point where I didn't care that I was overweight, I outgrew my fat clothes.  Now I have to lose weight.  I was okay with not being skinny.  I was.  I went out and spent some money on big-girl sized clothes and was like "fuck it."  Because in truth, I like chocolate cake WAY more than I liked being tiny-sized.  So I accepted it and moved on.  But apparently my ass didn't get the message that I was perfectly comfortable in a size 14.  Because it thinks that a 16 or 20 would be more comfortable.  Which would be fine, I guess.  But I truly cannot afford to go and buy any more clothes.  So the cake will have to wait.

That's me on the right.
3. I used to date a con man who maintained that I was the only person he ever told the truth to.  Back when I was kid, I had a little boyfriend and he had a little brother.  The little brother grew up to be super hot and charming and I totally fell for him.  Then he moved away and I carried that torch until a few years later when we met up again and I fell all over again.  But something wasn't right.  He acted really suspiciously all the time.  He changed phone numbers and addresses all the time.  He was incredibly unreliable.  For example, we would have plans for the weekend and I would confirm this with him on Friday.  Then Saturday he would fail to show up but Sunday morning he would call me from South Carolina and explain that "the Feds" showed up so he had to take off for a few days. "The Feds" came up ALL THE TIME.  My friend and I used to laugh about it because we thought he just had a girlfriend or something and so I ended up basically writing him off.  But a few weeks later I saw on the local news that they had caught one of his best friends who was wanted in like 7 states for fraud and assorted scams and realized that all these places his friend was wanted were places he had called me from (as confirmed on my phone bill).   The friend went to prison for a really long time but never ratted.  He managed to run from the Feds for another 8 years before he was let go on a technicality just recently.  He's still fucking amazingly hot.

4. This is really hard.  If I was just giving you random facts I would be able to do this, but "DEEP THINGS?"  What the hell Yvonne?

5. I am a really shitty housekeeper.  I hate cleaning and I have a 4 year old running around so you see how this is a problem.  I never understood those people who get a rush from cleaning and organizing because I get the opposite.  Cleaning drains me.  It makes me want to die. Not to say my house is FILTHY.  I clean.  But I don't do all the maintenance stuff as often as I should (I refuse to clean toilets more than once a week and I force Ben to scrub the tub which only happens maybe once a month) but it gets done eventually.  And I refuse to pick up Lila's crap more than once a day so generally shit stays strewn all over the house until she goes to bed at night.  And don't get me started about the inside of my car.

6. I don't really believe in God but I believe in Serendipity.  I was raised Catholic and always had a hard time swallowing the whole "God will punish you" thing because it just seemed that God had better things to do than watch teenagers masturbate or monitor my every thought for covetousness.  So I stopped believing.  But I never stopped believing that there is some kind of master plan and that everything happens for a reason.  Not that we don't make our own choices.  We do.  And we go horribly off path.  But in the end we always end up where we need to be.

7. I was afraid that my kid was going to destroy my shitty attitude and bad ass reputation.  Instead she gave me more shit to be pissed about.  But she also made me a total dork.  You know how old people never listen to new music until it's on a commercial?  Well, that's me.  I also dress the same as I did like 10 years ago, totally oblivious to trends and can't be bothered with makeup most days.  Congratulations Lila for making me totally lame.

I am working on bringing this look back.

OK.  Now the hard part:

I hereby bestow the Blog on Fire Award to the following bloggers:

1. Tails of Motherhood

2. Pooping in Peace

3. People I Want to Punch in the Throat

4.  OK in UK

5. 39 for the First Time

6. Bad Words

7. Just Plain Jayne

8. Taking it On

9. Adventures in Mommyhood

10. Shanimal's Crackers


  1. Selena,that was great! loved it.don't believe everything u heard in catholic school,i was scared to death ,when the nuns said all those bad things to scare us,not true!so on that note go back to GOD,your life will get much better!love you,M.B. CONGRATS ON YOUR AWARD.U DESERVE IT.

  2. I LOVE your list, especially about cleaning! I HATE it!

  3. I am HONORED to be awarded! Thanks!I don't know how deep my "deep things" will be, but I'll try :-)

  4. I like how the advocating of masturbation and the cessation of believing in Catholicism were in the same sentence.
    Thanks for the award, but I don't do "deep". I'm all surface.

  5. Oh, just great. You stole like half of my deep things. Now if I use them, people will think I stole them from YOU! I guess I'll have to go even DEEPER! Thanks so much for giving me an award :)

  6. As I was reading this post, I thought, What a bitch, I totally want that award on my blog! Imagine my (genuine) surprise when you awarded me one. Thank you. (Should I be pissed I'm not number one though? I'm going to have to blog more than twice this month in order to get that coveted number one spot.) Although, I have no idea how to put that little icon thingy on my blog. I am super duper technically challenged - there's my deep thing number 1. I'll see what I can do.

  7. I just want you all to know that i have tried to comment on all the blogs I named but blogger is a total whore and wont let me comment on anyone's blog who doesnt allow for name/url commenting. Why? I don't know. Look. Even here it doesn't recognize MY profile and I have to comment as name/url. BULLSHIT.

  8. I love this glimpse into your deepest secrets....especially number two!!!

  9. OMG! You awarded me? And I"m number TWO! Very fitting since my blog is pooping in peace. Thank you so much! I'm not even sure what to do with this? I guess I just copy what you did, tell everyone 7 deep thing about me-then my 10 favorite blogs. I don't think I even read 10 blogs, but I will do my best! Thank you again. You rock! (and, again, LOVE your daughter's name)

  10. I'm finally getting around to reading my very favorite blogs this week and of COURSE I had to come to see you. This was fucking AWESOME!! I know you're down, but go to my blog. I wrote a Very Special post to make you laugh. Ok, I wrote it to make everybody laugh, but I hereby dedicate it to you.

    Cuz you're awesome.

  11. you are awesome

  12. I was led to this site from "People I Want to Punch in the Throat" and I'm officially in love. You know what made me fall in love? You posted a picture of Vixen. I now heart you. I'm an 80's metal junkie, so that just made my Aqua-Net infested heart explode! And just from this post, I've found my new favorite person. I'm so shocked to discover all these blogs from women who think like I do! I thought I was alone in my angry, bitchy Mom world. This is so refreshing. Now I'm off to start from the beginning!!

    1. Thanks Ashleigh: I am working hard every day to make a time machine so that I can go back to the 80s as an adult and become the biggest, sluttiest groupie the world has ever seen. I will let you know when the test run is and invite you for a spin.

      Oh, and yes, there's TONS of us out there. But I had to start this blog to find out.


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