Friday, March 4, 2011

Sometimes I hate her...but I just don't get this.

My friend forwarded me a video of a woman on the Today Show who is talking about making the decision to be a non-custodial parent to her children. On the one hand this sounds VERY appealing. In many custody arrangements, one parent only sees the children on the weekend or for part of the time, but that parent is almost always the father.

(go here to see the video)

I admit, I have had daydreams (bordering on orgasmic fantasies, actually) of having stretches of days alone when I could nap and eat what and when I wanted and have my house clean for more than 20 minute stretches. But as I read this, at first I found myself thinking, "these women are selfish assholes!" But I stopped myself realizing that I was feeling something else.  Something that seemed...very...NOT LIKE ME.  And then it struck me that I have NO DESIRE to really do this.

(check out this article that made me need to write this post)

I have a friend who did this several years ago. The boys father was simply more stable in his life, had a better job, a house, an extended family to help. She knew her son would be in good hands. She moved out of state and has a good relationship with her son, visiting for holidays and long weekends and he spends school breaks with her. I find it hard to talk to her about it because I am afraid that my questions will come off as judgments and in a way I simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND how you can come to this decision.

I wonder now if it isn't more my idea of what a mother is SUPPOSED to do that makes this all seem so insane to me. The only way I can imagine myself truly spending less than MOST of my time raising my child would be if I had some illness (like being a psychopathic killer?) that had me hospitalized or incapacitated.

And then I think, "Fuck this guilt shit.  FATHERS have always done this!"  As I mentioned before, depending on the living situations and distances, many custody agreements give fathers every OTHER weekend and holidays.  No one thinks they're selfish assholes for agreeing to this arrangement!  No one even questions it!  WHY IS IT OKAY TO ME FOR FATHERS TO BE SO MUCH LESS ATTACHED? Is it possible that my entire way of looking at the title of "MOTHER" is the reason that I think it sucks so much?

No. Sometimes it just sucks.


  1. I'm fascinated again - sincerely. I totally would think that a mom has gone off her rocker if she gave up her custodial rights. But then I think, maybe they're just more in touch with their true selves and know that they would be horrible mothers?

    Who knows. I'll be thinking about this one for a while...

  2. Very funny blog.
    I found your it trying to distract myself from my daughter for a minute.
    This article got me thinking to. I know a handful of older women who did this. It makes me wonder if isn't rare, but more hidden because it feels unacceptable.


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