Thursday, March 10, 2011

Scream Queen

"Mommy has a headache.  Mommy is REALLY REALLY TIRED and has a headache because I had the WORST day at work.  Let's get your coat on and go home."

Lila just ignored me.  My mother tried.  "Lila, you can come back and play with your (annoying) toy tomorrow.  I will leave it here and it will be here when you come here in the morning."  Nothing.

"Lila.  It is TIME TO GO!" 

That was when the screaming started.  Lila is a gifted screamer.  She started practicing about a week out of the womb and has truly perfected the art of the ear-busting, brain-sterilizing, skull eradicating scream.  Seriously.  When Charlie Sheen said that whole thing about mind-melting, exploded bodies or whatever, I thought of my kid screaming. 

Under normal circumstances, her scream will give a normal, healthy person an aneurysm.  But when you already HAVE a headache it turns it into the most painful, awful blinding kind of headache and you just want to die. 

Lila continued the screaming into the car.  She did it for the entirety of the 15 minute ride home.  I was pretty sure at one point that I blacked out because I have no idea how I got to the exit ramp, but there I was, alive and gripping the steering wheel for dear life at the red light. 

Lila screamed as we pulled into the driveway and then proceeded to continue screaming and then started flailing around as I began to undo her seat belt thingy.  I threatened to leave her in the car and totally saw myself coming out in the morning to a nice sleeping happy kid, but I knew that my neighbors would TOTALLY call Child Protective Services because they would have heard the screaming and thought that my kid's skin was being peeled off by that guy in Silence of the Lambs. 

So I un-buckled her and yanked her out of the car and as she walked into the house she began to calm down.  As she plodded up the steps behind me, she was breathing heavy and whining that she was tired.  And when we walked in the door, she saw her Daddy.  Her eyes lit up.  She put a big smile on her face and ran to him and yelled, "DAAADDDDYYYY!!! I AM SOOOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!"

"Thanks so much for that." I said to no one in particular.


  1. Ha! Too funny! I have one of those at home too. Thanks for adding me to your blogroll, I feel special! And Lila is one of my favorite words. So is Chardonnay.

  2. Oh yes. Daddies are the best. Truly. I've lived with being "the bad guy" for nigh on 15 years now. But daddy comes home and SAVES THE DAY! Trust me, it gets better. Well, maybe. I'm just incredibly lucky to have teenagers who..ummm...are kinda dorky compared to me when I was their age. But as a mom, I relish dorky.

  3. My daughter is around the same age and those tantrums are the WORST!

  4. LOL! Daddy has rock star status in this house too ;-)

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  6. Noelle was an angel up to the age of 18months. Then all HELL broke loose. She was a screamer and a toucher. In fact, when we would leave friends and families homes, they would applaud (No SHIT).

    I remember having hellacious days and then "Daddy" coming through the door and the horns would disappear, and magically, the halo glowed. LOL (Oh, those were the days)

    Now she's 13...(That's all I'm going to say :)

    Thank you for the great comment re "Kiss My Shamrock" Made my day.

    Hey, took your advice about thanking my Aunt for the sticky cock... See, you are full of wisdom and wit. All your brain cells haven't been completely deleted from Mommyhood yet. Just strap yourself in real tight and enjoy the rest of it's crazy adventure!

    Keep in touch,
    Everyone Knows Me Here

  7. OK, first? How did I just find your blog? It is epic awesomeness. Second? You are snarky and funny and I like that about you.
    And Third? I'm so glad you're the one with the screaming child. Oh, I have a screaming child, but mine makes me want to shoot myself only once or twice a week. So yeah... my condolences.


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