I want to start this by saying that I mean no offense to anyone who ACTUALLY sends out holiday newsletters. I am sure that yours are much more creative and delightful than the ones that I seem to get every year. But seriously. Most of these things only provoke eye-rolling and snickering in my house.
That being said, I thought it was imperative that I work on a Because Motherhood Sucks Holiday Newsletter right away. Here is the first draft:
Dear Friends, Relatives, and People I Only Know from Facebook:
It sure has been a (literally) CRAAAZY year here at Because Motherhood Sucks! First of all, I want to say a super-big MERRY CHRISTMAS! Since I am at the forefront of the war on the (completely real) War on Christmas, I want to make sure you know that I say have to say Merry CHRISTmas because I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was a Pagan or a Jew or (God forbid) a secret Muslim (I don't want to say that word too loud for fear that saying it will make me catch it, just like the gay).
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| The war on Christmas is REAL!!! |
Once again it is that wonderful time of year where we take a moment in between decking the halls and going door to door caroling to look back at the last year and and regret celebrate the spectacular failures joy that I have been subjecting you to lucky to share with you all, here at Because Motherhood Sucks.
Early in the year, Lila went through a rough patch and after I rescued her heroically from a bout of Scarlet Fever she was back to being the psychotic devil spawn perfect and infallible child that makes my heart swell with joy (or whatever you call this) . Along with all the viral infections wonderful new knowledge she was bringing home from preschool, she also developed quite a natural talent for performing. I know that all mothers brag about their children but Lila has perfected the art of screaming learned how to sing like an injured cat ANGEL floating on a cloud and dipped in butter. She also apparently has a natural acting ability and flair for drama. In fact, I believe that she has given some truly Oscar-worthy performances in the last several months.
Besides being OBVIOUSLY talented, Lila has truly worn down my will to live come a long way this year. In July she turned four, which means that she's a year closer to moving out on her own she's such a diva big girl and is becoming more and more obnoxious independent. She worked really hard to get me to put her up for sale overcome some major fears. She has started reading and I am positive that within the next year she will be working her way through Machiavelli and Camus. Between our awful FANTASTIC neighbors and all the unwilling new friends we made, I think Lila would agree that this year didn't suck so much after all. I sincerely loathe enjoy this time of year and can't wait to see Lila Christmas morning when she greedily tears into sees all those presents under the tree!
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| "IIIIIIIIIIIII'M DREEEAMING of a WHIIIIIIITE Christmas...." |
Over here on MY side of the blog, I received plenty of
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| If you don't remember this pic, click on the link above |
So from Because Motherhood Sucks, here's to hoping
Merry Christmas!
Selena @ Because Motherhood Sucks.
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| Let's just pretend this is my family photo. |
Bawahahaha I love reading these! So true. Rough draft is perfect
ReplyDeletehands down, the best christmas card i have ever read! fucking hilarious ;)
ReplyDeleteTotally had this idea too! Our letters are similar. Now I'm going to have to do some tweaking to make mine different. Very cute and funny!
ReplyDeleteHA! Love the family pic at the end :)
ReplyDeletedraft is great,how can u improve on this??enjoyed it,love ya xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so relieved to discover that I am not alone in my feelings about these insufferable brag letters. I've often wondered how it is even statistically possible for everyone's kids to be so brilliant, accomplished, talented, etc. What about the *gasp* average kids? Where are they hiding??
ReplyDeleteMay your Christmas be filled with warmth and meaning!
Kind of feeling like some of those strikethroughs should be revived for the final. Especially the one about drinking heavily at this time of year. Nothing quite like watching "The Ref" with a couple bottles of champagne to take the edge off.
ReplyDeleteHysterical. So funny and well-written. Do you have a book published? You should.
ReplyDeleteVery funny! We always made fun of those letters in my house growing up. For some reason people of our generation don't seem to do them. It's easier just to slap a couple pictures of the kids on a Kodak Gallery card and mail it out. Works for me! Although I do miss reading those letters and making fun of them every year. So thanks for this one! It brought back fun memories.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Screw the rough draft, you're ready for the final product. And I'm happy to say that I knew every one of your links without having to click it, my fave is still the one about your boobs. LOVE that one.
ReplyDeleteNever, ever writing a Christmas brag letter. Oops, better not say never because that's what I said about being a pastor's wife...Look at me now.
ReplyDeleteSoooo feelin' you on this one. I have never understood what comes over people to send these things out...and in addition to the obnoxious braggy ones, I have also seen versions in which they go to the negative extreme - filling everyone in on the family's various illnesses, struggles, the son's latest DUI (I am NOT making this up.) I have even been the victim of one of these myself: 23 years ago, during our first year of marriage, my husband was struck with a severe illness which left him hospitalized and unable to work for several months. In the wake of that, we obviously struggled financially for a while. Unbeknownst to me or my husband, my mother-in-law felt the need to share our financial status with God and everybody in her Christmas newsletter that year. The phrase that is burned into my mind forever is something along the lines of "don't have two dimes to rub together". I still remember the puzzled phone call I received from my sister: "um, honey have you seen this newsletter?!" I will never forget how humiliated I was, and to this day I will never understand how she thought that was appropriate "holiday news" to share with the world!
ReplyDeleteThe holiday letters drive me batshit. My friend wrote one once that was hilarious. Full of all the crappy things that happened to her that year. Not in a whiny tone at all...so it was okay :) Hope you win that war :)
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