Friday, December 23, 2011

Why I (Don't) Love Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and here at my house,
I have one antsy kid and an exhausted spouse.

The baubles keep getting knocked off of the tree
by a fat asshole cat who clearly has a death wish.

 
Fu** this!  Writing poems is actually REALLY hard. How do people rhyme things for a living???

Instead I will expose why people get so depressed in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I know this from VAST experience with the subject...

Ideally:


The tree is big and lush and sparkles perfectly with all the ornaments perfectly spaced.  The house is lightly scented with the aroma of pine and we sit around at night marveling at the beauty of it all.


Reality:


We apparently got our tree too early.  Ben insists on a real tree and even though we watered it religiously, it is drooping and drying out.  The ornaments that looked so perfect when we first put them on are now all sort of grouping together where the heavier ones and pulled the branches down to the lighter ones.  Instead of noting the beauty of the lit-up tree, I am being driven insane by the amount of new needles strewn all over the floor for 30 feet in every direction every time I finish sweeping a pile up. 


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Ideally:


Baking cookies, assembling gingerbread houses, crafting heart-felt gifts and doing volunteer work to show how much we love our friends, family and community.



Reality:


Working more hours to have enough cash to buy crap that no one is going to use.  This means that when I have time off all I want to do is sleep, but I force myself to stay awake and manage to complete the basic tasks of running a house with enough time to spare to shower once in a while.  All that other crap will have to wait.

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Ideally:


In lieu of being able to craft beautiful hand-made items, instead, I go out shopping in a cheerful mood, spreading joy to every store I walk into by wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season, and picking out the PERFECT gift for each person on my list that I just know they will love.


Reality:


Fighting through a bunch of assholes in a store to find that the only thing I could think of to get Ben's mom is out of stock and the next closest model is way out of my price range.  Instead I get a standard, one-size-fits all gift:  a scented candle, and when I get to the register the clerk has had enough of this bullshit and needs a break so she angrily rings up my order without saying a word.  I spend the days until Christmas feeling unsatisfied with every gift I bought and regretting every dime I spent.  At some point while shopping, I also inevitably spend 20 minutes arguing with some asshole in line behind me about the fact that the cashier is part of a huge conspiracy to take the "Christ" out of Christmas, and explaining to him that the Pilgrims actually banned Christmas and that the idea that there is a war on Christmas is fucking stupid.

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Ideally:


Christmas dinner is a time when everyone in my family and all my aunts, uncles and cousins sit around a giant table with a fireplace in the background and talk about all the wonderful things we have been doing since last Christmas while listening to Christmas music playing softly in the background.



Reality:


Only 4 people show up to Christmas dinner because someone owes someone else money or slept with someone's wife, and so no one is willing to sit in the same room with each other.  An uncle invariably drinks a little too much and starts a fight with my dad over who gets the last serving of chocolate cream pie.  The police are called and the kids cry inconsolably while they watch my uncle get carted away in a police car.

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Ideally:


Lila wakes up in complete awe at the fact that Santa has come and there are heaps of beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree.  Every time she opens a present it is EXACTLY what she wanted and for weeks after Christmas she is amused and enjoys every item staying occupied and content.


Reality:


After the momentary awe of waking up in the morning and being thrilled at the prospect of presents, Lila tears through the wrapping with a "wow" for the first few items and gradually getting bored opening things.  After opening all her toys, she leaves them all where she opened them and rounds up all the ribbons and bows and plays with them for 3 hours.  Two days later she asks for a new toy.

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Ideally:

After having Christmas dinner and getting the house back in order, I take a few minutes with Lila and Ben to relax on the couch and talk about how everyone got something they wished for and how fortunate we are, because we know that not everyone has family or love or the ability to provide nice things for the ones they love. 

Reality:

This one is spot on. 

Merry Christmas everyone.





6 comments:

  1. Merry Fucking Christmas Selena! You rule.

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  2. At least you relaxed on the couch together and talked about how lucky you were. Thanks for the great post :)

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  3. Most awesome post ever! I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Haha, sometimes I look thru catalogs, like LL Bean, Hannah Anderson- etc and fantasize that The pics of everyone playing in the snow and sitting by the fire are me and my perfect family/friends. We are having the perfect holiday with numerous parties and everyone is happy and the kids are well behaved and content. Oh, and we are all really well dressed and my hair isn't frizzy.

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  4. love this! its brilliant! completely true of my own christmas experience too. but you left out having to UNDECORATE!!! thats the worst part!

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  5. Hi1 I've recently discovered your blog, love it!! As the mom of a 4 year old little girl, I can relate...lol! Merry Christmas!
    Anne
    www.allaboutelizabeth-anne.blogspot.com

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  6. Are we related? Because your family dinner sounds like mine.

    I hope you enjoyed your Christmas, having that last moment of peace with your loved ones makes all the craziness worth it. :)

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