Friday, December 2, 2011

The Shit List is back.

I am in a foul mood lately.  It might be because of all the Christmas music that is being subliminally transmitted in my brain to make me feel guilty about not feeling all "Christmas-ish".  In order to get that much more into the holiday spirit, I am going to just put a bunch of annoying things on notice. 

First up, Haircuts. Since I moved back to Upstate NY 4 years ago, I haven't had a good haircut. The last time(earlier this week), I wanted to cut my shoulder-length hair short so I showed the lady this picture:

I always, ALWAYS hate the way they style it, so when I looked in the mirror and saw myself with short hair, I figured it was just the gel (yes, GEL.  Welcome back to the 90's) the lady put in it and that would look super cute once I got home and did it myself.  I showered and blow dried my hair and this is what I looked like:

I have been to 4 different places and no one seems to be able to do what the students at the Tony and Guy academy in Phoenix could do.  And they were still learning!

Next on the Shit list are My ghetto "friends" on Facebook, who feel the need to play out all their super-ghetto drama RIGHT THERE ON the Facebook. Seriously.  NO ONE cares about your ex- boyfriend's drug charges or your cousin, who (did the world a favor and) ratted you to DSS for getting your teenage daughter high. Especially if it is going to lead to a 43 comment battle between you and the person you intended your passive aggressive comment for.  Here's a little quiz for you:
Do you know why our parents' generation would never put their business out there for the neighbors to see?  No, not because they're lame and there was no Facebook.  It's because they aren't assholes and they knew their neighbors would just think they were trashy.  (Yes, I realize some of us have parents who probably WOULD do this.  I guess I am thinking about NORMAL parents).

Next up:  The commercial I heard today.   I was driving today and heard a commercial on the radio that said, "If you give a tablet or smart phone this Christmas, the person you give it to will know that you REALLY get them."  And my immediate reaction is that are really only a few situations where someone gives a $500 tablet or a $300 smart phone are as follows:
  • Parents giving it to their teens, in which case they will NEVER feel you REALLY get them,
  • A spouse or boy/girlfriend giving one to a significant other in which case THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WITH THEM! Or
  • A guy trying REALLY hard to get into a girl's pants.  Hey, I'm not judging.  You go girl!
  • A "friend" who gives extravagant gifts, in which case please friend me on Facebook. 

Finally, there's my kid.  I know that there is strong evidence that indicates that children "KNOW" when something is off with one or both of their parents.  This causes them to throw hissy-fits and be total assholes when you are least able to handle it.  A few weeks ago I would have told you that Lila had magically transformed into a perfect little well-behaved model child. And then one day while we were having lunch, she bit her tongue and turned into Satan.  Yup.  Just like that.  And she has been behaving like a caged animal who wants out ever since.  You know why? Because I have been really stressed out at work and am exhausted when I come home.  She knows.

But here's the question:  If they KNOW that you are not really feeling at your best, then why don't they act WELL BEHAVED when you are stressed out, and like animals the rest of the time when you don't mind it so much?  What the hell, Darwin.  Shouldn't that be a survival skill that would prove beneficial to their species?  Maybe then mother hamsters wouldn't eat their babies.  This just proves that kids are stupid.

Of course this is no where near a comprehensive list, but I have to go and attend to my screaming kid now.


  1. I never realize that hair gel turned you into a Danny Glover-looking homeless guy! That's crazy... I always figured that hair gel turned those newly metrosexual preppy fucktards into women... which is why I just buzzed my head with a pair of clippers and called it good (that and I was going for the Army look since I was joining).

    I also eliminated my Facebook page... I got tired of the sluttiness from both genders (C'mon morons, you're in your 30s... time to grow up and show your kids that high school stupidity does end at some point!)

    As for kids...well you said it better than I could!

    And I blame most, if not all of it on this Christmasy music playing constantly everywhere. It started the day after Halloween here in central Iowa. The songs invade my head and I find myself starting to hum popular Christmas songs... I realize it in under 30 seconds and wish to stick a hot poker in my eye. If anyone's looking for that job, it doesn't pay well, but come see me to get hired!

  2. Holy cow, for someone who is feeling stressed out and exhausted, you put out a seriously hysterical post!!!! The haircut issue? Yeah, it took me 5 years to finally find a hairdresser I likes after moving. It's like the longest speed-dating experience ever - one after the other. Then when you finally find one, every 6 months they increase the cost of the haircut - like a drug pusher. Well, at least the odds are you'll find a good one within the next year right?

    As for Christmas, if you changed your religion, you wouldn't have to worry about forcing yourself to get into the Christmas spirit. (Instead, people will insult you by asking why you aren't getting into the Christmas spirit because "everyone does" and "it's not about the religion.")

    Kids are clever aren't they? I will say that although this may not be very comforting right now, I think it's a really good sign that your kid refuses to accept it when you're feeling low and throws a hissy fit about it. It's way better than if she swallowed her feelings to take care of you. See? Doesn't that make you feel better ; )

  3. Stumbled on this site, and oh my GOD I love it! I used to feel guilty about hating...and I mean COMPLETELY HATING Christmas and now not so much. I live in Buffalo so I understand the whole not finding stuff/services here you're used to. Heck I cut and color my own hair LOL

    Yeah, I know about the kids thing. I work from home and my toddler invariably knows when I'm trying to meet a deadline and THAT'S usually when he's at his worst. Right now we ended a 40 min potty training fight with him standing on the carpet pooping on the carpet after saying he DIDN'T have to use the potty. UGH.

    If I weren't driving people all over I swear I'd be drinking by 8 am.

    Keep up the great work!!!!!

  4. Bahahahahahahaha the haircut picture comparison was priceless!

  5. A H. We should become internet friends. We live close enough to hang out at least twice a year. :-)

  6. @Selena - *bowing down like the Wayne's World characters* "We're not worthy...we're not worthy!"

  7. Not everyone is willing to pull out a Wayne's World reference!

  8. I love this post! It is so true...they TOTALLY know. I'm a big fan of your blog. Just stumbled across it & you're hilarious. :)


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