Monday, December 5, 2011

BWAAA HAA HAA HAA HAAAAA!

Soooo....a couple of months ago (when I was on internet vacation) one of my favorite bloggers over at From Diapers to Diatribes bestowed an award upon me that is truly the award I have been waiting for.  I suppose it's better late than never.

As you all know, world domination is one of my fantasies, so this is completely AWESOME!!!


This award allows me to change ANY 3 things I want to, IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.   After much careful consideration, I have settled upon the following things:

1.  Effective immediately, children will work by remote control until they are old enough to understand that the Mommy is in charge and they can't do anything about it.  Have a headache and your kid keeps singing the theme song to Spongebob?  Simply hit the VOLUME-DOWN button.  Temper tantrum?  MUTE.  Need 15 minutes to yourself?  PAUSE.  And the best one...At bedtime simply turn the power off.

2.  Any time you are out in public and someone is acting like an asshole, you get to call for everyone's attention and take a vote as to whether or not the person deserves to be backhanded for their douchy-ness.  If necessary, you and the douchbasket can each make a short statement. If the majority votes yes, you can slap them.  I believe this will greatly improve the public behavior of all of us.



3. Dumb, mind-numbing websites will have a built-in 30 minute time limit.  Seriously.  Do you know how much time I spent reading Damn You Autocorrect this morning?  And there is NO REASON to spend more than 10 minutes at a time scrolling through Facebook updates or playing Farmville.  Of course, blogs that have actual WORDS in them are excluded from this rule. 

Now the hard part:  I have to decide who I want to give this award to...

I cannot wait to read your changes!

11 comments:

  1. Thank you! I have been waiting my whole life for someone to finally recognize that I am an overlord. You complete me. Your blog is awesome and I can't wait to check out the other people you nominated. I love the pacifier ball and chain logo. Did you design that? It's genius.

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  2. Thank you sooo much Selena. I am grateful to finally being recognized for my fine dictato-, err leadership in this world of ours. While I don't aspire to such universal solutions as you did, I managed to pick three out of my top million ideas for worldly improvement to put down. and I stole the picture of the award to place on my page.

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  3. How cool is this? I am now going to have to pursue this award myself, because, let's face it, just ask my kids, I am a badass, fucked up queen biatch.

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  4. MUAH HAHAHAHA AHA HA! Yessss......I ammm a naturallll overrrlord. My firsssst announcccement issss thissss....From thisss day on, I will only ssssspeak in Parceltongue.

    Sssssoo will everyone elsssssse......

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  5. If your aim is world domination then you will have to defeat me. That shouldn't be hard seeing as I am currently being defeated by Blogger because it won't let me follow you.

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  6. Elliot: Blogger is kind of an asshole. The only reason I am still using blogger is because Wordpress is a little intimidating to me.

    You can find "Because Motherhood Sucks" on Facebook. I try to post links to my posts there.

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  7. Selena, Thank you so much for recognizing me with the Overlord Award. This is heady stuff. I appreciate SOMEONE finally recognizing me. Once my head ceases swelling I will get cracking on world domination.

    Thanks!!

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  8. Oh, and btw, a certain female is most certainly appreciative of you padding my ego even more...
    She said something along the lines of getting tired replacing doorways with larger frames every single day... so THANKS!

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  9. You. Fucking. Rock. Seriously, thank you SO MUCH for this awesome award!! I'm posting about it right now. I'm also going to make up my own award, I'm so excited because it's The Best Award Ever. In fact, I may call it that. So be ready to get one!

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  10. *note to self and others-make sure you sign in before you start making your smart, funny comment that you just know everyone will love. Otherwise all the humor and belly laughs will be lost forever and everyone is stuck reading your stupid "the moment has past" comment*

    In-laws, school plays and general crappiness has preventing me from reading (and writing) this past couple weeks. But I'm going to take this overlord thing seriously because, after all... I am already an overlord and make my own rules up as I go and expect everyone to adhere to them--or they pay, visciously!

    Thanks Selena! ;)

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