Sunday, February 12, 2012

Because Goldfish = Death and a Velvet Elvis.

I feel like 4 is too young to have to have the "everything living will die" talk with my kid. I mean, seriously, there will be plenty of time for her to learn that nothing is permanent and that even her parents will someday die.

So that is why I refuse to allow her to have a goldfish. Because with the rare exception of the one that lives to be 13 years old (my friend had one), they basically live for a couple of weeks and then the whole family has to give a eulogy standing around the toilet and sending little fluffy off to the eternal abyss (also known as the municipal sewer system).

But you gotta love dads. Yesterday, Ben took Lila to the Wal-Mart looking for undershirts and for some reason came home with a little fish tank and 2 gold fish (and also hot pink rocks and a glow in the dark plastic plant). Lila had already named her fish (Orange Fish and Star Fish) and they set the tank up. Ben THEN thought it would be a great idea to let her have the fish in her room.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" I casually whispered to him while Lila sat completely hypnotized by her new creatures. "They're just goldfish!" He replied. That was when I had to pull him into another room and let him know that I was not going to be the one explaining what happened to the fish when Lila finds them belly up in the water first thing in the morning.

"You see," I explained. "I don't want to have the death talk at all yet. But at least if you had suggested we keep the fish in the kitchen or living room, we would have had the advantage of finding the dead fish first and making up some story about how he missed his mom and went home after we disposed of him without her knowledge." He looked at me like I was presenting an argument for the possibility of Ancient Aliens.

"Whatever," I say. "In a week or two when you hear that blood curdling scream at 5:00 in the morning, YOU are going to go and deal with it. Not me."

He shook his head. "She'll be fine.

It's only a matter of time...

About an hour later, I am in the kitchen and Lila goes upstairs to "check on her fish" and I hear a frantic "MOMMY! DADDY! COME QUICK!"

"Here we go," I tell Ben as we go upstairs preparing for the worst.

"My fish aren't moving." I look. They're just sitting there. But they're not floating. "They're sleeping," I tell her. Then they start swimming normally. I nudge Ben. "As long as they're not floating on the top sideways, they're not dead," he gently explains. This does absolutely NOTHING to help the situation. She calls us (and of course, I send him) 6 more times before bedtime.


And now for the usual Sunday fare:

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 3
Cheers to all of us thieves!

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that shit.

52) What is your astrological sign?

53) Do you save money for anything? What?
I try to save enough for booze but sometimes there are just too many bills.

54) What's the last thing you purchased?
Cheap art for my living room.

I should have just ordered this.
55) Have you ever had a relationship that you realized was lust not love?
Pretty much all of them up until this one. And now we have the opposite problem.

56) In a relationship?
I'm in something much, much worse.

57) How many relationships have you had?
HA! How long are we talking? Because if we don't put a minimum time qualification, then I would say HUNDREDS.

58) What do you want to tell us about your day?
That if I get through it without slapping anyone then it will have been a success.

59) Where were you yesterday?
I spent a lot of time running around looking for shoe inserts. Don't ask.

60) Is there anything interesting within 10 feet of you?
With a 4 year old, there tends to be a WHOLE LOT of crap all around me, all the time. But interesting? Not really.

61) Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes. And underwear.

62) What's your favorite animal?
Sloth. I totally relate.
Dear Suicidal Sloth: Please don't do it! Life is worth living!

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Well, there's always sex.

64) Where is your best friend?
Probably home.

65) How did you end your last relationship end?
The same way all my past relationships ended, with betrayal and then revenge.

66) What is your heritage?
I actually did a bunch of genealogy research last summer only to find that I come from a long line of boring Italians and drunk poles.

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Watching SNL.

68) What's new?
If there was anything I would have blogged about it.

69) What is the key to seduction?
Show your boobs. That always works.

70) What was the weirdest thing that happened to you this week??
My kid didn't cause me to regret being alive.

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I have a government job which means that it is extremely unlikely that I would get fired for lateness. Or anything else.  Suck it boss!

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
Well, first I punch that asshole doctor for not catching whatever it is sooner.  Then I pretty much completely lose my mind with anxiety and spend my remaining days in a mental hospital.

73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
I read somewhere that you can trust someone you don't love, but you can't love someone you don't trust. That being said, I choose trust. Love is nothing but trouble.

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Short Dick Man by 20 fingers (10 points if you remember that one).

75) Who has your cell phone number (other than family)?
Apparently a bunch of debt collectors. Lucky me!


  1. Our boys got some guppies and a snail around Christmas time. They've already had to deal with a couple of human and one feline deaths so I wasn't too worried about that side of things. But it's been a mini soap opera in the aquarium this week. First Darth, the snail died--they cried more his funeral than at my aunt's last month! Then one of the guppies had babies it was so fun & exciting... until she ate them. Ah, what a fun biology lesson THAT was.

  2. If you didn't use that to scare them into doing whatever you tell them to, you may have missed an opportunity. :-)

  3. Men are stupid. Also, I LOVE your answer to 53. I might have to steal it.... ;)

  4. The sooner they learn about death, the better. My kid learned about dead fish from my mom's aquarium, where those little neons started dying off like the rapture (minus the whole disappearing bodies). The youngest actually monitored the death count for his nana.

    I feel this will prepare him for when the Colonel dies choking on one of his hairballs, or when my ex-wife offs me for some dumb reason or another. Plus, when the government gets around to ordering population control policies, he'll be fully prepared to deal with acid-bathing old grannies and over-producing homeless people to death.


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