Sunday, November 13, 2011

Things that should be against the law.

Dear Assholes that Start Celebrating Christmas in October:

You gotta knock this shit off.  Seriously.

First of all, the leaves are still on the trees.  We have had no snow, and we are still one major holiday away from the previously accepted "start of the holiday season".  You assholes who have your blow-up Frosty out on your lawns should be knocked out and held in a basement until the end of November and that shit is no longer ridiculous.  Why would you want to remind the rest of us of massive snowfalls that dump enough snow to MAKE an 8 foot snowman when winter around here will last until April and we have been lucky enough to avoid any major snowfall this early for the first time in recent history?  WHY? 

And the LIGHTS?  Jesus the lights!  I still haven't taken my halloween decorations down (granted I am extremely lazy and late) and you have the NERVE to put up happy candy canes and light-up reindeer so that I have to drive by every day and be reminded of how unprepared I am for the process of elbowing my way through the toy aisle at Target?  Thanks for nothing.

It isn't that I don't like Christmas.  I am not one of those idiots that Bill O'Reilly believes is waging a war on Christmas.  In fact, I desperately WANT to enjoy Christmas.  I worked in retail for 15 years and working in retail will make you realize that people turn evil in December and will put you off the holiday indefinitely.  But I do not work in retail anymore, and when I finally busted out (because working retail is a lot like being in prison), I really looked forward to celebrating Christmas like normal people, by spending a shitload of money on gifts that will be shoved into closets and stuffing my face with snacks and sweets continually from Thanksgiving until New Years Eve.

But seriously, if you start celebrating before Thanksgiving, you should go to jail.

from flickr

Starting in October, I have a rule that I follow strictly.  If I walk into a store and Christmas music is playing and it is before Thanksgiving, I walk out.  I hold to this regardless of how cute the outfit in the window is or how desperately I need milk and bread to feed my kid.  I don't care.  I will not participate in such insanity.

The city I live in has very few decent radio stations.  Maybe 5 or 6 tops that aren't christian or country or just awful.  THREE of of those have already switched to 24 hour "holiday" music, and a fourth is scheduled to switch right around the time people are defrosting their frozen turkeys.  REALLY, radio stations?  We REALLY need TWO FULL MONTHS of Little Drummer Boy?

The day that I discovered this tragedy, I was driving Lila to my mother's and flipping through my regularly programmed stations.  I stumbled upon "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" for less than a second before immediately hitting the next button. Lila started crying and begging me to turn it back on. 

"It's against the law,"  I said.  "It is illegal to listen to Christmas songs before Thanksgiving."  When asked what would happen if the police found out I told her that is isn't a matter of what the police would do.  It's a matter of keeping people who are bordering on crazy from turning into full-blown nut cases (I was, of course, talking about myself).

Now I am hearing that several stores (Target, Best Buy, Macy's, and WalMart to name a few) are going to open at 11pm on Thanksgiving so that people can get even more absurd deals on crap that no one really wants or needs.  AWESOME, right?  This does not indicate to me that these companies are "really super in-tune to what their beloved patrons desperately want more of."  To the contrary.  What his tells me is (1) that these companies don't give a shit about their employees, and (2) they feel that they REEEEEALLY need to have those few extra hours on a NATIONAL DAY OF THANKS to thank all of us for making them a few more dollars. 

The "Holidays" in "Happy Holidays" should not include Halloween.
In closing I would like to tell you a little story.  I am a person who loves to buy "seasonal" socks (don't you judge me!!!).  I have a pair of socks representing each month.  This whole early Christmas thing is very confusing because I already have orange socks with little pumpkins for October and yellow ones with an overflowing cornucopia for November.  I cannot start wearing the green and red ones with the gifts all over them until AT LEAST the last week of November because it would confuse all 3 of the people who occasionally notice what socks I am wearing. 

Please, for the sake of all that is holy and sacred, STOP THE INSANITY!!! I will never decorate my house with little Santas in the summer and I will not accept "Christmas in July" as a literal interpretation of when I should start my holiday shopping.  And seriously, at the rate we're going now, how far off is that?


  1. Yep...I agree. Why can't we just enjoy Halloween and Thanksgiving like they are meant to be enjoyed without Christmas music in the background. I LOVE christmas...during December. Seriously, we need to back off. We don't over-sensationalize Christmas enough already??? C-R-A-Z-Y!

  2. Haha! I totally agree. By the time Christmas finally gets here, I am SO OVER Christmas. And that's just sad. As much as I LOVE the holiday, my decorations don't come down from the rafters until after Thanksgiving. (Albeit, the DAY after.) As always, you make me laugh. :) I gave you the Liebster Award on my blog today!

  3. Grinch to MamaFury, I have acquired visual of Mr Red Nose. Target acquisitioned and ranged; requesting permission to fire!

  4. It needed to be said. Gratitude is not really bankable to those Target guys. They gotta skip over T'giving, because if we all get super content and grateful for what we have that will kick the shit out of profits.

    Melissa@A Wide Line recommended you.

  5. Came over from the Mom Pledge.

    I love you. I'm sorry that you get no say in this, but you're my new internet best friend.

    That is all.

  6. Looks like you've got a new gaming idea:


    (no royalties necessary)



I love comments. What did you think?