Friday, June 12, 2009

And here is what apparently makes me a terrible person...

I am back to work part time. It's a shit job but it gets me out of the house and puts spending money in my pocket.

You would think that after a full day at work that I would be excited to see Lila and that perhaps she would be happy to spend some time with me. But that is not the case. Today I went to pick her up thinking that since Grandma had taken her "shop for toys" that it would be an easy later afternoon until Daddy got home.

I was SOOOO wrong. Lila started in on me immediately. Not with the excited frenzy of someone happy to see you, but with the kind of psychotic energy that I usually reserved for ex boyfriends that I stalked when I was 20. "Mama...Mommy...mama...MAMA...MOMMY...MOMMY....MAMA!!!!!!"

"Mommy needs a minute" but no 2-year old understands that. On the way home she had a near nervous breakdown because her toy fell on the floor and I couldn't reach it. Once home she decided that she wanted to take a walk with "mommy 'round a block". I usually enjoy that because it kills a bit of her energy and she is usually (USUALLY) really good. But for some reason she decided today that what she really wanted to do was wait until we were at the exact farthest spot from home and sit down. She wasn't tired...she didnt want to be carried. She wanted to sit down and sit. Normally, I see this whole "stop and smell the roses" thing as cute, but I had a backpack full of library books that I wanted to drop off so I told her we had to go (NOW!), to which she proceeded to pound her little forehead on the pavement. Yeah, I stopped her but she kicked and screamed because now I was holding her and I managed to carry her home. No one tells you how fucking heavy a 2 year old can be.

What I wanted to do was take a break when daddy came home. Hell, thats all I ever want. But Daddy is now picking up side work so that we can save for a down payment on a house and I am not allowed a break from her when he comes home from a 12 hour day and I "technically" only put in a 5 hour shift at work. Because my "OTHER" job doesn't count. I dont get lunch breaks or time off. I don't get paid. So it isn't a job. I am supposed to cherish my time with Lila, even when she is a monster. Chasing her around and keeping her from killing herself and keeping myself from killing her (figuratively, of course [?]) does not count as a "shift". And I am some kind of asshole for wanting to be left alone for half an hour.

I have had all my friends tell me it would get better. They lied. And she STILL doesnt sleep through most nights.

3 comments:

  1. I love your blog! You are so funny, gives me a good laugh as I sit here in bed with my husband after finally putting child to sleep, hoping (HOPING) he sleeps all night. He did last night (!) and so you do things exactly the way you did that night (Yes, even down to the food he ate!) in hopes it will repeat itself. But I've learned not to expect things. Still, I can hope, can't I??? Keep up the good work, oh, and I echo your sentiments on the "job" thing (like mom is not really a job)

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  2. my now 4 year old woke up 5 times a night...5!! until she was 3 years old...i read some of your blogs and your little girl sounds alot like mine when she was that age.It is very frustrating, i thought i was gonna lose my mind, and as soon as she started sleeping and stopped pissing everywhere but the toilet, i thought things were looking up...then i found out i was pregnant with ANOTHER little girl!! I feel you...trust me, it will go by faster than you think.

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  3. My god you are writing about my life!!!Just add a 11 month old baby to the mix to. Most days I feel like I'm losing my mind.

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