I was watching her dad with her yesterday out in the yard. She sat on the grass fingering it and trying to touch the flowers that sat restlessly about 2 feet away. And throughout her little play time she babbled random syllables and made screeching noises that scared the cat. Ben sat there on a chair making some notes for whatever project he is working on and barely looked up. Lila was fine. She sat there content and just babbled away.
I was in the bedroom looking out. And I couldn't stop looking. I wanted to take a nap. Or read a book or at the very least zone out for the hour that Ben would have her before needing to get some "real work" done. But I couldn't stop watching. Why is he allowed to focus on his own task, fully secure in the knowledge that she is there, perfectly fine, in front of him when I can't even fold clothes in the same room with her without having to stop every 30 seconds to hand her a toy or pick her up or play peekaboo?
Why is it that I can't just ignore her for a few minutes like that? It sure would help me to get some stupid tasks done. Maybe the dishes wouldnt have to sit for days. Maybe I could post this blog during the daytime or update my stupid myspace profile without forcing Ben to take her on an errand with him. It would be nice to be able to just know she is okay and I could just work around her. But it isn't like this for me.
I must always answer her "mamamamama" with "lilalilalila" and I have to get her when she STARTS to fuss for fear of a full blown "satan-child incident". I have to fight with her to make her eat and sleep and I have to run my entire day around her weird nap-eat schedule that she follows like clockwork only on the days when I have something to do that would interfere.
I know that in no time she will be older and want nothing to do with me. I know I am supposed to cherish this time. But my brain is mush and my body is mush and the entire house is a disaster and my relationship is boring and I really just need time for myself.