Because, you see smart-ass kid, the thing I am learning is that although you do not HAVE to be LAME, very often you END UP being LAME because your asshole kids suck the very life force out of you that would allow you to be un-LAME.
|Now take off those headphones before I smack them off your head!|
Before I had Lila, I cared about things like fashion and hairstyling and sexy bras. I used to drink sexy drinks and make out with strangers in clubs (this also being before Lila's dad). I used to want a cool little sports car or maybe I'd be a hot chick in a big pick-up truck. Maybe I'd get a motorcycle or a Vespa and ride with my hair blowing out from under my helmet. I used to shave my legs more than once a month and sometimes even got waxed. I used to subscribe (YES. I COMMITTED) to fashion magazines and go out to the movies on opening nights.
Now I worry about vaccinations, head lice and processed foods. I mostly drink coffee because it keeps me from sleeping at my desk at work and the only strangers I talk to now are those annoying tech support people in India, who I can't understand. I have a used Toyota Camry that is so full of filthy sippee cups and fast food wrappers that I am ashamed when I get pulled over. I haven't shaved my legs since Labor Day and haven't even bothered to have my hair trimmed because it's just easier to put it in a pony tail. The only magazines I read are Cooking Light and Parents. I haven't seen a new movie IN A REGULAR FULL-PRICE THEATER since Lila was born.
And WHY are these things so? Is it because I HAVE to be this lame? Did I wake up today and think, "Shit, I'd really LOVE to fly off to the South of France, but that would be totally anti-lame so I cannot do it,"? No. No I did not. Instead, it is simply because being Lila's mother takes a tremendous amount of time, mental energy and mostly, MONEY.
I cannot buy un-lame new clothes when I have to buy Lila school clothes. And then a month later when I think I will have some extra cash to get myself a new sweater or something because it's freezing at work, it turns out Lila has grown out of all 6 pairs of her brand-new pants (which were a size big when I bought them) in the span of 4 weeks, so now I have to go get her some that don't look like capris because the snow is about to fly. This is why SNL made that skit about MOM Jeans where they say "I'm not a woman anymore. I'm a MOM." Because it's fucking true!
(Here's the Mom Jeans video)
I cannot take half an hour in the morning to properly apply eye make-up because Lila will decide that there is ONE perfect moment to try to fly off the top of the couch with her fairy wings, and that moment is when I have my eyelashes squeezed in an eyelash curler.
I could go on and on about all the things that make me lame and all the reasons why BEING A PARENT is the thing that made me this way, but I won't.
And as far as the Toyota Van or Highlander making me "un-LAME" and having my kid be embarrassed by the car I drive as suggested in those fucking ads, I have this to say:
"FEEL FREE TO WALK, ASSHOLE."
That's what my parents told me when they pulled up to school in their rusted out AMC Eagle and I asked them to PLEASE park down the street. And I will tell Lila the exact same thing.
|Theirs was not this nice. And once the |
muffler fell off it was also extremely LOUD.