Sunday Stealing

So I keep saying I love these things and today I found a perfect way to post while still being short on inspiration AND getting to do one of my favorite things...answering random questions.  Thank you, SUNDAY STEALING.

No, I don't know why it starts at number 41...

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
Stevie.  Did you know that EVERY YEAR in June, teachers buy eachother gifts?  I would HATE that.


42. What is something you need to go shopping for?
A therapist.  Seriously.  I like mine but I am currently going through a university and she is like 14 with ZERO real life experience.

43. Do you have the same first name as one of your relatives?
Um.  No.  I was named after a fictional character who is molested by her father then kills him and buries him in a pig sty.  Nope...not kidding.

44. What kind of car do (did) your parents drive?
Um...Am I 12?  My parents have a Hyundai.  Is this really interesting to anyone?  They're like 70.

45. Are you rich?
Yes...with love.  (I almost puked while typing that)

46. If you could spend one intimate night with a celebrity, no questions asked, never to see them again, who would it be?
I used to say Marky Mark but he's pretty lame lately.  I guess I will go with Adrian Brody.  Don't ask me why.  I like skinny guys.

47. I dont know where 47 went...


48. What famous person do you look like? Feel free to use this facial match program by clicking here. Show us at least the celeb photo.
OK.  This stupid program gave me Angellina Joli, who I ASSURE YOU, I do not look anything like.  So I will go with this instead:

We have similar arms.

49. What is the most daring thing you've done recently?
Told the truth about why I am unhappy?

50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
PASS.  Unless you bellieve in Immaculate Conception.

51. Which sex scandal of the last decade bothers you the most?
Weinergate.  Because he was one of the good ones.  Plus I want in on that.

52. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
Not currently but I did date a guy who turned out to be a con man and who managed to escape a 55 year sentence on a technicality.

53. What are your plans (or what have you done) for this weekend?
Nothing of note.  I actually plan to nap and send Lila to the neighbor kid's birthday party so I can nap some more.

54. Have you ever woken up and not known where you were?
Um.  Never. Mostly because I am not a huge drinker.  But I have woken up in the middle of the night wondering who I was.  IS that the same thing?

55. What were you doing at midnight last night??
Sleeping.  Seriously.  I am a mom.

56. Last restaurant you went to?
Chipotle yesterday.  I LOVE me some burritos.

57. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
Honestly?  10.  Plus a 3 hour nap yesterday.  And I plan to nap today as per 53 above.

58. Which is more distracting: Sexting while driving or sex while driving?
Sexting while working is a recipe for disaster.  Don't do it kids.  I am against doing much of anything while driving...except eating.  I can do that.

59. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Yes.  My mother is waiting for me to come get that kid out of her hair.

60. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Not since I was 8 months pregnant and needed to put pants on (rather than a skirt) for childbirth class...which I never ended up needing because I had a c-section for my breach baby.

Holy Shit! It's JUST A SCRAPE!

My kid scraped her leg yesterday.  This should not be blog worthy news but there are some things about her that you need to understand.

1. She has NEVER bled.  I am not kidding.  This kid has this weird inpenetrable skin and has never gotten a real cut.  Only bruises and bumps and scrapes that don't bleed.  Therefore:

2. Lila believes that a scrape is the most painful thing that can befall a person.  There is no way to convey to a kid her age that there are things like broken limbs, head gashes and period cramps that she may have to look forward to.

SO last night Lila was screaming like a banshee because her scrape was hurting her. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I am serious when I say she cried for 3 fucking hours about a scrape.  I am not downplaying this.  See if you can spot the scrape on her little knee:

Yeah it's hard to see.  Here is a super enhanced version with scrape seeking technology so that you can actually find the thing that caused 3 hours of misery:

Yes.  It's there.  No, it isn't a shadow.  It's a little scrape.  Did I mention that she cried about it for
3 fucking hours?????

After the first hour and a half, it was clear that no amount of pain relief ointment or band aids were going to help.  Because she just insisted that it made it hurt more.  And finally I had to resort to the mean trick that I swore I would never do.  I told her that if it hurts that much, we should go to the hospital and have it removed.  The leg. 

It's funny how she calmed right down and suddenly it didn't hurt as much anymore.  In fact, it felt so much better that she wanted to run around and have some ice cream. 

Friday 15

I am at a loss for inspiration today and so I thought I would pull out an old myspace survey (because I used to be a junky) and give you 15 all new wonderful answers.

1. When was the last time you cried?
This morning while I was chatting on facebook.  Dumb right?

2. Have you ever faked sick?
Every day.  It's the only way I can lock myself in the bathroom and have 10 minutes without Lila needing something.

3. What was the last lie you said?
I am happy?

4. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Do we ever lose anyone now that we have Facebook?

5. Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?
Satan

6. Where was your first sleep over?
My next door neighbor Stephanie's house. But I was homesick and went home in the middle of the night. Oddly, my next sleepover was also there like 4 years later.

7. Tell me about the drunkest you've ever been.
Gay bar.  Needed a ride home.  Suckered an old boyfriend (straight guy who happened to be there) into driving me.  Puked all over the sidewalk.  We hooked up after that too.

8. What drugs have you tried?
Pot and plenty of prescription ones.  I cant handle drugs.  I know it.  So I avoid them.

9. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
When do I get to come back to bed?

10. What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?
I had to make out with a douchy guy once.

11. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I barely believe in LOVE so I don't think I do.

12. If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go?
I would go slap the shit out of my 12 year old self.

13. Do you remember your dreams?
I have the most bizarre fucking dreams ever.  I remember them but wish I didn't sometimes.

14. Who was your first kiss?
Kevin Meyer on my 12th birthday at the skate shop.

15. Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?
hahahaha...I was a groupie so yes.

BEST. THING. EVER.

Samuel L. Jackson is the narrator of every parent's favorite bedtime story.

They say they know VERY early

As a mother, I often feel the need to prescribe meaning to every little thing my kid does.  She likes to wear tappy shoes?  She needs to take tap lessons.  She wants me to buy her paint?  Maybe she'll be an artist.  Everything and anything becomes some prediction of her future.  I know this is insane but when she said what she said, I obviously raised an eyebrow.

http://monedesignz.spreadshirt.com

The other night I was chatting with Lila, all relaxed and cozy and ready for bedtime when the subject came to her friends at preschool.  Devon is her BEST friend and she has to walk out holding hands with her every day.  She has professed her LOVE for Devon on many occasions and the two often kiss on the lips.  I just chalk it up to her being best friends with this other overly affectionate little girl.

Then she said something to me that I partially applauded and which also made me nervous.  "Mommy," she said.  "I think Devon is my boyfriend but she's a girl.  Is that okay?" 

"Of course it's okay," I said, as open-minded liberal free love mother of the year.  But somewhere inside (and this is a HUGE confession because I am completely in love with the gays on every level) I was nervous.  What if she is (gulp) a lesbian???? 

When I was pregnant Ben and I joked about how we wanted her to be a lesbian so that we wouldnt have to worry about teenage boys and I totally know that when it came down to it I wouldn't care.  But being gay is still a hard life in this country.  Who wants their kid to have to grow up doubting and being made fun of and not being able to marry who the hell they want?  Or being this guy:

They always go just a LITTLE too far...
image via MSN.com

Then I stopped myself because I realized that she is not quite four and likely just has a little friend crush and isn't interested in boys yet.

But most people that I know DO say that they knew when they were VERY young...Shit.


On a totally unrelated side note, when I searched for a picture of lesbians, I couldnt get any to come up because there were too many explicit images.  There is something very wrong with that.