Monday Meme - 20 Questions

1. Do you have any regrets?

Only one. I regret the way I treated Lila's dad while we were together.  I was kind of shitty a lot of the time.

2. Do you have a deep, dark secret?

Not really.  I have always been pretty open.

3. Have you ever hurt someone?

Yes, who hasn't. 

4. Have you ever self-harmed?

When I was a teenager I carved a guy's name into my arm. I can still see it. "Tom".  I was such a lunatic.  Lol.

5. How would you like to be remembered?

I would be happy if I WAS remembered.

6. Who are the three most important people in your life?

Probably my daughter and my mother.

7. Was there one event that changed your life and the way you think? 

Splitting up with Lila's dad changed me permanently in so many ways.  I have no idea why.  It was a mutual breakup but it really has affected me and my entire outlook on life.

8. Would you sacrifice everything for love?

Probably not.  I would sacrifice everything for my kid though.

9. Are you afraid of dying?

I am afraid of dying with things left undone.

10. Have you ever been abused?

Remember "Tom" from the self injuring above?  He was abusive.

11. Have you ever been in love?

A couple of times.  It may be overrated.

12. Are you happy with who you are?

I am kind of in a transitional phase that I don't know how to get out of.  This is not where I want to be.

13. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else’s?

Only my kid.

14. Have you changed at all in the last year?

In the last year, not so much.  But in the last two years-more than any one should.

15. Would you ever settle for someone you didn’t feel was “the one”?

I don't know that I believe in "the one"  I believe you choose someone and decide to make it work.

16. Is there someone you can tell everything to without fear of judgment?

No.  Isn't that kind of sad?

17. Are you pursuing your dreams?

I am working on figuring out what my dreams are at this point in my life.

18. Do actions speak louder than words?

Yes, always.

19. Is there something you would never do?

There are a lot of things I would never do.  Skydiving, bungee jumping, roller coasters.  I am the opposite of an adrenaline junkie.

20. What makes you uncomfortable?

Public displays of affection.

Not sure when this happened.

I don't know what I did wrong.  I thought I did everything right.  I started reading to her when she was about 6 weeks old-long before she could possibly understand what I was saying to her.  I read to her every night.  I took her to storytimes.  First in Arizona when she wasn't even big enough to crawl around and later to the toddler and then preschooler story times at the local library.  I have purchased over a hundred books for her.  First those sturdy little board books, later those expensive picture books and most recently chapter books.  I thought I did everything right.

How is it then, that my kid is not a reader? 

Lila does not like to read.  Up until a few months ago we did story time every night at bed time and I thought she would carry on that habit when she became old enough to read on her own.  But she hasn't.  She has traded in those last 20 or so minutes before it's lights out time for an extra 20 minutes of TV time.  Most nights it's not even something she wants to watch.  I will have Seinfeld on and that's perfectly ok with her. 

How could this have happened?  I worked at the freakin' library for 4 years of her life for Christ's sake! She always sees me with a book in my hand and I often read while she does her homework or plays after dinner. And yet those fill in lists the teacher sends home to chronicle the books she reads remain empty and sitting there piling up on her night stand. 

Last night I told her we were going to start a new nightly tradition.  I thought that if I made it sound special that she might be on board.  I told her that 15 minutes before bed time we were going to turn the TV off and we were each going to get a book and read together on the couch instead of watching TV.  She reacted as if I told her that I was going to strip her naked and pelt her with a bb gun.  She actually cried about it. 

How could this daughter of mine hate reading so much that it causes her to cry about spending just 15 minutes a day reading?  And remember, I only have her half of the week so it's not like it's even 15 minutes EVERY day! 

I worry that this is a first of many.  Up until now, she has happily and naively wanted to be just like me.  She wants to carry a purse because I carry a purse.  She wants to put on makeup with me because I am doing it.  She wants her hair to grow longer because I have let my hair grow out.  But here begins that divergence from her happy little parallel road.  Now she doesn't love reading just because I have made it clear that books are one of my favorite things.  I am still a little in shock.

I mean, I did everything right! We make monthly trips to the bookstore and she always pick something out but those books never seem to be read.  They are piling up on her bookshelf and collecting dust.

I dread the painful season of summer reading when she has to read like 6 books over a few months.  How am I going to force her to sit quietly and push through titles she doesn't like when she won't even spend 15 minutes a day reading a book she picked out? 

Anyone else have a kid who hates to read?

Feeling lazy today.

Because I don't have an idea for a fresh blog today, I am going to share Sunday Stealing with you today. 

Today is the Threes Meme.

1. Three things that scare me: 

Depression, Unsolved Mysteries (the TV show-thanks Mom) and my student loan debt.

 2. Three people who make me laugh: 

My kid, Jim Gaffigan, and Chris Rock.

3. Three things I love: 

My kid, naps, lasagna

4. Three things I hate: 

loneliness, my shitty inner critic, getting stuck at train crossings.

5. Three things I don't understand: 

Japanese, the stock market, my kid's dramatic antics

6. Three things on my desk: 

Coffee, calendar, computer

7. Three things I'm doing right now: 

Thinking, typing, answering phones.

8. Three things I want to do before I die: 

Visit Italy, get published, become super-mom

9. Three things I can do: 

whistle, tree pose, write

10. Three things I can't do: 

sing, dance, walk in really high heels

11. Three things you should listen to: 

Your mother, me, that voice in your head that tells you to go for it.

12. Three things you should never listen to: 

That other voice in your head, a kids whining, politicians

13. Three things I'd like to learn: 

Mandarin Chinese, how to paint, how to knit

14. Three favorite foods: 

Lasagna, Chicken Parm, my mom's spaghetti sauce

15. Three beverages I drink regularly: 

Coffee, water, chocolate milkshakes

16. Three shows I watched as a kid:

Scooby Doo, Justice League, Josie and the Pussycats

Free Range Parenting or Child Neglect?

You no doubt have heard about the couple in Maryland who let their children, 10 and 6 years old, walk a mile home alone and had CPS and the police called on them.  Well on Monday the state weighed in on their case.  They are charged with "unsubstantiated child neglect".  They don't appear to be receiving any kind of sentence for this charge but it is something that stays on file with them at CPS. 

Am I the only one who thinks that this is bullshit?  I'm not what you would consider a "free-range parent by any means, but in my opinion a 10 year old is perfectly capable of walking home alone.  He is even more capable of walking home in the company of another kid. When I was a kid, I walked home from school with other kids my age starting at around 8. In fact up until I was 8, I walked home with my slightly older school mates who were about 10 or 11.  And the thing is that kids aren't in any more danger now than they were when I was a kid.  In fact there are studies that show that things like random kidnapping are down since the early 80's when I made the 8 block trek home unsupervised. 

What the hell is wrong with us nowadays where we think that the world is such a dangerous place that it is considered child neglect to let a 10 year old walk home with his little sibling?  If 10 is too young, then what is the proper age?  12?  15?  18?  By the time I was 10, I was free to ride my bike with my little friends all over the neighborhood unsupervised and wasn't allowed to come home until dinner time.  My parents had no idea where I was for most of the day and they never worried that they were being neglectful because at 10 I was mature enough to know to look both ways when crossing the streets and not to get into a van with a guy offering me candy.

I think that this is just ridiculous.  I refuse to be one of those parents who is paranoid every time that my kid walks out the front door that she is going to be in danger of being kidnapped or run down by a crazy driver.  My kid is allowed to go outside to play alone.  She has a little friend down the street and when she walks down to her house I don't feel the need to watch her.  She will get there just fine.  And when they ride their bikes on the street I don't worry that a car is going to come and snatch her up because that would be crazy.  She would never get fresh air if I worried like that.  But with this attitude prevalent among parents and apparently officials, it's no wonder kids don't play outside anymore. Our kids need more sunshine and exercise, not leashes and helicopter parenting. 

If you want to read the article that got me going, it is here at slate.com.

What it's like to split custody

I am missing out on half of Lila's life.  Yup.  Exactly half.  All because her father and I split up. 

For half of every week she is with me.  On those days we talk about her day, eat some dinner, cuddle and watch TV.  And on my Saturdays we try to get out to do something fun. 

But the other half of the week, she is with him. And there is no bedtime, no cuddle time, no bath to be given. 

On those days I miss out.

I missed her losing 2 of the 3 teeth that she has lost.  The Tooth Fairy going to another house, not mine.

I missed her learning to ride her bike.  She did it while playing outside on another street, not mine.

I miss out on a lot of little jokes and funny stories and small victories.

I miss her so much when she isn't here.

Every night when she is with him she calls me to say goodnight.  And on my nights she calls him.  The days of crying because she misses one or the other of us is over, thank God, but I know that she always has that emptiness.  She would rather have us both there in the middle of the night when she is scared or sick or just can't sleep. 

I do not regret the splitting anymore.  Although for a while I didn't know if I would survive it.  When she would cry for him or when she would call me crying I would want to fix it all.  To glue our broken family back together, to make her heart stop hurting.

And although I miss her like crazy when she isn't there, part of me is starting to adjust.  I mean, it's only been 2 years. 

I am a single parent when she is with me.  I am a bachelorette the rest of the week.  I still have a hard time with this transformation. I am starting to adjust and am finally beginning to find something to do during all this extra "me time" that I have.  But I don't feel lucky to have it.  Not yet.  Not when there is a hole in my heart during that time.

Being without her so much makes the time that I do have with her more valuable.  I try not to yell as much.  I try to do fun things when I can.  We go out to eat  a lot.  We have had to put quality over quantity.  This is something I think a lot of full time moms take for granted.

And even though I am only with her part of the time, she is still on my mind all of the time.  I still put her needs first.  I am still the one who makes the doctors appointments and signs all the school paperwork.  I am still always mom.

Catholic Guilt

As many of you know, Lila goes to a Catholic school.  We made that decision basically because I went to Catholic school and the public school option for where we lived was not a very good one academically.  Well this year (2nd grade) Lila is making her first communion.  Along with that, she has to make her first penance (or confession for those of you not hip to the Catholic lingo).  So for 14 weeks, every Sunday, she has to go to classes to learn about making her first penance and communion.  One of the requirements is that she go to mass every Sunday during this time.  This means that every Sunday, I have to go to mass during this time.

I am not what you would call a practicing Catholic.  Honestly, I don't think I believe in God at all.  So taking her to mass every Sunday is kind of a stretch for me.  Part of me loves the pageantry of it.  I love the big open church, the stained glass windows, the priest supposedly turning a cracker into the body of Christ.  It reminds me of childhood days spent going to church with my class during the school day.  But I spend a lot of my time in church sitting there wondering how anyone really believes this stuff.  And then the Catholic guilt kicks in and I find that I feel somewhat lost in that I don't have a set of beliefs to get me through those tougher times.

Lila, as far as I can tell, believes in God and Jesus and the Virgin Mary and all of that.  But honestly it isn't something we ever talk about.  It just never comes up.  Even with her making her first communion and having to go to classes on Sundays, she has never once come to me to discuss anything that she is learning about religiously.  So I have no idea if she knows what the 10 commandments are or if she feels that she is a sinner. 

I remember being very upset to learn that we are all born with original sin on our souls.  That we are marked as sinners before we even learn to speak.  This is one of the beliefs of the church that I have a real problem with.  My daughter doesn't know enough to sin.  I really have no idea what she is going to tell the priest when she goes into that little box for the first time.  I imagine that she will tell him that she got sassy with me once or twice or that she told a little lie.  I think she may do what I did and make some stuff up just to have something to talk about while she is in there. 

I often feel that I am supposed to be bringing up God and Jesus to her.  Like there are times when I could use them to my advantage.  Just like the Elf on the Shelf, I could threaten her with "God is watching you" when she misbehaves and perhaps that would make her stop whatever annoying behavior she is doing at that time.  But I don't believe in God enough to threaten her with him. 

I just read an article over at Bluntmoms.com (you can read it here) where the writer confesses to being a closet atheist and that was what got me thinking about my beliefs.  I just don't know what I believe.  I don't know that I ever really did believe everything that they taught me in Catholic school.  I think I always doubted.  I always asked questions about the validity of the Bible and the possibilities of redemption.  I was no doubt influenced by my parents' lax attitude toward the church and their lack of faith. 

I just hope that Lila believes something.  Because I envy people who have that faith that can carry them through tough times.  I wish I had something like that.  Some belief in a higher power that makes sense of the awfulness that happens in life.  I honestly hope that she feels some sense of connection to God so that she has the benefit of faith in her heart and for her soul.

School troubles

I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been absent for nearly a year.  I am going to address that by explaining that I have had computer problems and been busy with a full time job. 

But what I want to talk to you about today is school troubles.  Particularly little girl problems.  More specifically mean girl behavior aimed straight at my kid.

Lila is in 2nd grade now (I know, right?).  She likes school.  She does well and her teacher has told me that she is a pleasure to have in class.  Her teacher also told me that she is always willing to lend a helping hand or offer a hug to her classmates  She said that Lila doesn't seem to have time for all the little girl drama that goes on in the class and because of this Lila tends to be a little bit of a loner.

But lately Lila has been saying things that break my heart.  She told me that one of the little girls, who we will simply call A, has been being mean to her.  She says that A always tells her the she can't sit with her at lunch and tells the other kids not to sit with Lila.  She has gotten in Lila's face and told her to stop talking to other kids. Apparently A is one of the popular girls and everyone wants to sit with A.  Lila is really upset by this and I just don't know how to handle it.

I told Lila that she shouldn't want to be friends with someone who is mean and bordering on bullying.  I told her that she should sit with people who want to be her friend.  She told me that she doesn't think anyone does want to be her friend except one boy who she plays with at recess and whenever they have free time.  What makes this more upsetting for Lila is that in Kindergarten she considered A her best friend.  They used to play together and always sat together.  Now A is a little asshole to my kid and my kid has to walk around feeling betrayed by someone who used to be her friend. 

I spoke to Lila's teacher and told her that A was being mean to Lila and the teacher said she talked to A and that A admitted what she was doing.  The teacher told her to knock it off.  And for the last couple of days things have been better.  When I asked Lila how school went yesterday she told me that A let her sit next to her at lunch. 

This kind of pissed me off.  I don't know how to express to my kid that she is a perfectly nice kid and that she shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from someone.  How do I make her see that she doesn't need to be accepted by the cool kids to have worth?  Why is the pull to be with the "in crowd" so strong and at this young of an age? 

But this is only part of the problem for me.  My kid doesn't have any girl friends at school.  She doesn't have that one best friend who she hangs out with.  I have encouraged her to get her friends' phone numbers and we can call them up to come over but she doesn't seem to want to do that.  I worry that it is unhealthy that she doesn't have a best friend.  I did at her age.  I had 2 actually.  My friends would come over, we'd drag them along on family outings, we'd have sleepovers.  I want that for my daughter.  I don't know how to encourage her to make friends with someone at school. 

I wonder if this isn't because she is an only child. That leads to mommy guilt and I don't like that at all.  I have never had a lot of friends.  Maybe I am not a good model of how to be friends with someone.  I certainly don't know how to make friends.  The few friends I have are people I have known forever.  I too would like to make new girl friends but I have no idea how to go about it.  How am I supposed to teach her how to do it?

Maybe A will have a change of heart.  Maybe she will feel bad about her behavior and start including Lila in her play.  I doubt it.  I just need to find a way to build my kid up and teach her that she is enough regardless of who wants to sit with her at lunch.