Monday Meme - 20 Questions

1. Do you have any regrets?

Only one. I regret the way I treated Lila's dad while we were together.  I was kind of shitty a lot of the time.

2. Do you have a deep, dark secret?

Not really.  I have always been pretty open.

3. Have you ever hurt someone?

Yes, who hasn't. 

4. Have you ever self-harmed?

When I was a teenager I carved a guy's name into my arm. I can still see it. "Tom".  I was such a lunatic.  Lol.

5. How would you like to be remembered?

I would be happy if I WAS remembered.

6. Who are the three most important people in your life?

Probably my daughter and my mother.

7. Was there one event that changed your life and the way you think? 

Splitting up with Lila's dad changed me permanently in so many ways.  I have no idea why.  It was a mutual breakup but it really has affected me and my entire outlook on life.

8. Would you sacrifice everything for love?

Probably not.  I would sacrifice everything for my kid though.

9. Are you afraid of dying?

I am afraid of dying with things left undone.

10. Have you ever been abused?

Remember "Tom" from the self injuring above?  He was abusive.

11. Have you ever been in love?

A couple of times.  It may be overrated.

12. Are you happy with who you are?

I am kind of in a transitional phase that I don't know how to get out of.  This is not where I want to be.

13. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else’s?

Only my kid.

14. Have you changed at all in the last year?

In the last year, not so much.  But in the last two years-more than any one should.

15. Would you ever settle for someone you didn’t feel was “the one”?

I don't know that I believe in "the one"  I believe you choose someone and decide to make it work.

16. Is there someone you can tell everything to without fear of judgment?

No.  Isn't that kind of sad?

17. Are you pursuing your dreams?

I am working on figuring out what my dreams are at this point in my life.

18. Do actions speak louder than words?

Yes, always.

19. Is there something you would never do?

There are a lot of things I would never do.  Skydiving, bungee jumping, roller coasters.  I am the opposite of an adrenaline junkie.

20. What makes you uncomfortable?

Public displays of affection.

Not sure when this happened.

I don't know what I did wrong.  I thought I did everything right.  I started reading to her when she was about 6 weeks old-long before she could possibly understand what I was saying to her.  I read to her every night.  I took her to storytimes.  First in Arizona when she wasn't even big enough to crawl around and later to the toddler and then preschooler story times at the local library.  I have purchased over a hundred books for her.  First those sturdy little board books, later those expensive picture books and most recently chapter books.  I thought I did everything right.

How is it then, that my kid is not a reader? 

Lila does not like to read.  Up until a few months ago we did story time every night at bed time and I thought she would carry on that habit when she became old enough to read on her own.  But she hasn't.  She has traded in those last 20 or so minutes before it's lights out time for an extra 20 minutes of TV time.  Most nights it's not even something she wants to watch.  I will have Seinfeld on and that's perfectly ok with her. 

How could this have happened?  I worked at the freakin' library for 4 years of her life for Christ's sake! She always sees me with a book in my hand and I often read while she does her homework or plays after dinner. And yet those fill in lists the teacher sends home to chronicle the books she reads remain empty and sitting there piling up on her night stand. 

Last night I told her we were going to start a new nightly tradition.  I thought that if I made it sound special that she might be on board.  I told her that 15 minutes before bed time we were going to turn the TV off and we were each going to get a book and read together on the couch instead of watching TV.  She reacted as if I told her that I was going to strip her naked and pelt her with a bb gun.  She actually cried about it. 

How could this daughter of mine hate reading so much that it causes her to cry about spending just 15 minutes a day reading?  And remember, I only have her half of the week so it's not like it's even 15 minutes EVERY day! 

I worry that this is a first of many.  Up until now, she has happily and naively wanted to be just like me.  She wants to carry a purse because I carry a purse.  She wants to put on makeup with me because I am doing it.  She wants her hair to grow longer because I have let my hair grow out.  But here begins that divergence from her happy little parallel road.  Now she doesn't love reading just because I have made it clear that books are one of my favorite things.  I am still a little in shock.

I mean, I did everything right! We make monthly trips to the bookstore and she always pick something out but those books never seem to be read.  They are piling up on her bookshelf and collecting dust.

I dread the painful season of summer reading when she has to read like 6 books over a few months.  How am I going to force her to sit quietly and push through titles she doesn't like when she won't even spend 15 minutes a day reading a book she picked out? 

Anyone else have a kid who hates to read?

Feeling lazy today.

Because I don't have an idea for a fresh blog today, I am going to share Sunday Stealing with you today. 

Today is the Threes Meme.

1. Three things that scare me: 

Depression, Unsolved Mysteries (the TV show-thanks Mom) and my student loan debt.

 2. Three people who make me laugh: 

My kid, Jim Gaffigan, and Chris Rock.

3. Three things I love: 

My kid, naps, lasagna

4. Three things I hate: 

loneliness, my shitty inner critic, getting stuck at train crossings.

5. Three things I don't understand: 

Japanese, the stock market, my kid's dramatic antics

6. Three things on my desk: 

Coffee, calendar, computer

7. Three things I'm doing right now: 

Thinking, typing, answering phones.

8. Three things I want to do before I die: 

Visit Italy, get published, become super-mom

9. Three things I can do: 

whistle, tree pose, write

10. Three things I can't do: 

sing, dance, walk in really high heels

11. Three things you should listen to: 

Your mother, me, that voice in your head that tells you to go for it.

12. Three things you should never listen to: 

That other voice in your head, a kids whining, politicians

13. Three things I'd like to learn: 

Mandarin Chinese, how to paint, how to knit

14. Three favorite foods: 

Lasagna, Chicken Parm, my mom's spaghetti sauce

15. Three beverages I drink regularly: 

Coffee, water, chocolate milkshakes

16. Three shows I watched as a kid:

Scooby Doo, Justice League, Josie and the Pussycats

Free Range Parenting or Child Neglect?

You no doubt have heard about the couple in Maryland who let their children, 10 and 6 years old, walk a mile home alone and had CPS and the police called on them.  Well on Monday the state weighed in on their case.  They are charged with "unsubstantiated child neglect".  They don't appear to be receiving any kind of sentence for this charge but it is something that stays on file with them at CPS. 

Am I the only one who thinks that this is bullshit?  I'm not what you would consider a "free-range parent by any means, but in my opinion a 10 year old is perfectly capable of walking home alone.  He is even more capable of walking home in the company of another kid. When I was a kid, I walked home from school with other kids my age starting at around 8. In fact up until I was 8, I walked home with my slightly older school mates who were about 10 or 11.  And the thing is that kids aren't in any more danger now than they were when I was a kid.  In fact there are studies that show that things like random kidnapping are down since the early 80's when I made the 8 block trek home unsupervised. 

What the hell is wrong with us nowadays where we think that the world is such a dangerous place that it is considered child neglect to let a 10 year old walk home with his little sibling?  If 10 is too young, then what is the proper age?  12?  15?  18?  By the time I was 10, I was free to ride my bike with my little friends all over the neighborhood unsupervised and wasn't allowed to come home until dinner time.  My parents had no idea where I was for most of the day and they never worried that they were being neglectful because at 10 I was mature enough to know to look both ways when crossing the streets and not to get into a van with a guy offering me candy.

I think that this is just ridiculous.  I refuse to be one of those parents who is paranoid every time that my kid walks out the front door that she is going to be in danger of being kidnapped or run down by a crazy driver.  My kid is allowed to go outside to play alone.  She has a little friend down the street and when she walks down to her house I don't feel the need to watch her.  She will get there just fine.  And when they ride their bikes on the street I don't worry that a car is going to come and snatch her up because that would be crazy.  She would never get fresh air if I worried like that.  But with this attitude prevalent among parents and apparently officials, it's no wonder kids don't play outside anymore. Our kids need more sunshine and exercise, not leashes and helicopter parenting. 

If you want to read the article that got me going, it is here at slate.com.

What it's like to split custody

I am missing out on half of Lila's life.  Yup.  Exactly half.  All because her father and I split up. 

For half of every week she is with me.  On those days we talk about her day, eat some dinner, cuddle and watch TV.  And on my Saturdays we try to get out to do something fun. 

But the other half of the week, she is with him. And there is no bedtime, no cuddle time, no bath to be given. 

On those days I miss out.

I missed her losing 2 of the 3 teeth that she has lost.  The Tooth Fairy going to another house, not mine.

I missed her learning to ride her bike.  She did it while playing outside on another street, not mine.

I miss out on a lot of little jokes and funny stories and small victories.

I miss her so much when she isn't here.

Every night when she is with him she calls me to say goodnight.  And on my nights she calls him.  The days of crying because she misses one or the other of us is over, thank God, but I know that she always has that emptiness.  She would rather have us both there in the middle of the night when she is scared or sick or just can't sleep. 

I do not regret the splitting anymore.  Although for a while I didn't know if I would survive it.  When she would cry for him or when she would call me crying I would want to fix it all.  To glue our broken family back together, to make her heart stop hurting.

And although I miss her like crazy when she isn't there, part of me is starting to adjust.  I mean, it's only been 2 years. 

I am a single parent when she is with me.  I am a bachelorette the rest of the week.  I still have a hard time with this transformation. I am starting to adjust and am finally beginning to find something to do during all this extra "me time" that I have.  But I don't feel lucky to have it.  Not yet.  Not when there is a hole in my heart during that time.

Being without her so much makes the time that I do have with her more valuable.  I try not to yell as much.  I try to do fun things when I can.  We go out to eat  a lot.  We have had to put quality over quantity.  This is something I think a lot of full time moms take for granted.

And even though I am only with her part of the time, she is still on my mind all of the time.  I still put her needs first.  I am still the one who makes the doctors appointments and signs all the school paperwork.  I am still always mom.