I found that giant Orange Vagina you were looking for!

One of my new favorite (and very funny) bloggers gave me an award. 

I want to seriously recommend that you go over and read and follow and perhaps even internet stalk Shirley Ewe Must Be Joking.  That bitch be crazy! Plus she knows all the words to "Bust a Move" as I found out when I was reading about HER award here:

Proof that I actually WAS awarded an award 

 

The rules are basically as follows: 

•  Thank the blogger that bestowed the award (check)
•  Post 7 random facts about yourself (I LOVE talking about myself)
•  Forward the award to 10 (TEN?) deserving bloggers (THAT may prove challenging).

So I am going to base my 7 random things on some random photos I have saved on my laptop (and some I just found recently saved on discs).  Some are actual real pics from my actual real life and others are silly shit from the blogosphere.  Lets see if you can tell which are which.


HERE WE GO!

1.

I am pretty sure Lila is destined to become a crazy cat lady.  At the time of the top photo (which she took herself) she had 5 stuffed kitties.  That photo was taken about 6 months ago.  Since the taking of that photo, she has somehow accumulated 6 more kitties and a couple of little bears that she claims are cats but are actually little bears, pigs or mice.  She likes to bring all them all over the house with her and she sleeps with all of them. 

This is not even all of them...

She has also told me that she has no intention of ever getting married because (in her words) "I don't want to be a mommy." 


2.

Seriously.  It's a vagina.

Did you see a giant blow up pumpkin here or did you see a kid crawling into a humongous orange vagina?  See, I have a filthy mind and and the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.  To me, this was hilarious and warranted a photograph.  Ben is a contractor and EVERY SINGLE TIME that he goes to pick up plywood or 2x4s I giggle and ask him if he "got wood in his truck."  And don't even get me started about black caulk.

3.

I admit it.  I think "The Situation" is kinda hot.  But I cannot watch Jersey Shore (not only because it's total crap but also) because every episode reminds me of the fact that I am no longer young and hot and that I would totally be laughed at and made fun of for trying to get him to "smush" me...Which brings us to our next photo:

4.

Don't look so shocked.
I was young once.

My friend and I used to have "stripper night on Danforth St."  We would put on slutty clothes and 7 inch clear heels and take pictures of each other.  I found the disk with the photos on it this past week and when I looked at them I nearly lost my mind.  10 years ago, I was fucking HOT!  What the hell happened to me!  It was ONLY 10 years ago.  And all that time, I always thought that I was so flawed.  Skinny legs, small boobs, cellulite.  And yet NOW, I would fucking KILL to look like that. Fucking youth really is WASTED on stupid 24 year olds.

5.

Apparently, I am one of the only asshole parents who doesn't feel the need to start scheduling her 4 year old for hundreds of different activities.  Seriously.  WHEN THE HELL did kids start needing social lives and extra-curricular activities?  Lila goes to school and plays with her little friends there.  Then she spends the rest of her day playing and annoying me.  But I am okay with that. Because ballet classes are expensive, as is karate, soccer, MyGym memberships, art school, and music lessons.  I read the other day that the typical 4 year old is involved in 3 different scheduled activities a week IN ADDITION to preschool, and that parents now worry that their child is not involved in ENOUGH activities to get into a good college.  MY KID IS 4.  Unless she is working for a highly specialized scholarship for playing the glockenspiel, getting her scheduled and busy 7 days a week really isn't necessary at this age. 

6.

I get excited about really dumb things.  Like REALLY excited.  I have been known to terrorize drivers by spontaneously screaming out with joy at the sight of a bunny hopping across the road.  It's actually become dangerous at times.  I had to tone it down so as not to scare my kid, but she has gladly picked up my habit for squealing at bendy straws, sporks, and 80's hair metal videos.

7.

I am actually VERY political.  I can be found angrily posting comments on all the political websites and find that I need to take "news breaks" because I get so angry and frustrated with the stupidity of those in charge that I want to strangle someone.  I have started to believe that the hopelessness that I feel when I see how stupid politics can be is a huge contributor to my depression.  Still, I look forward to this spring and hope that the Occupy movement reconstitutes and moves forward with some kind of actual agenda so I can go participate in more marches and protests.  (Just so you know, I am NOT a dirty hippie liberal, just a mom concerned about the future for my kid).

Lila made her own sign that says "Being Greedy is Not Nice"

And here is who you should go read next (also known as who I think deserves the Versatile Blogger Award).

Coffee Lovin Mom

39 For The First Time

Random Lunacy

Nursery Phymnes and Curse Words

Inside My Head

America's Next Top Mommy

Frugalista Blog

Spotts in the Valley of the Sun

Tired Mama


And of course, Attracted to Shiny Things

Trying Something Out

I have started another blog to talk about my depression and the progress and issues and other things that come with it. (Quick, guess what it's called!)

Because although I am sure that motherhood and depression are somehow linked in my mind, the truth is that this blog here is my "Mommy Blog" and I need to stick to "Mommy things" here.  So I have created a special little home on the interwebs for journaling and complaining and working shit out so that I can become a better, less deranged human being.

Go check it out, and let me know what you think.  You guys have (unwillingly?) been a huge support for me through all this and so it is important that you give me feedback (in the form of comments over there), good, bad or ugly.

Oh, and Follow.  Because I don't want to be that blogger who has 0 followers.

Go Here:

Because Depression Sucks

Because Sucking is AWESOME

So the other day I am perusing my favorite Blog Attracted to Shiny Things (because I stalk it for new laughs all the time) and I see that she has been awarded this:

And all I can think is, "THAT BITCH!  I want that Goddamned icon on MY page.  Maybe I will just steal it and say someone gave it to me."  But as I read further down I saw something fucking incredible. 
SHE AWARDED IT TO ME!!! 

 Not only did she give it to me (along with 9 other bloggers) but I was the FIRST which means that I am the best (I am feeling really humble today obviously).

So in order to claim my award, which I intend to do right now, I have to tell you "7 DEEP things about me" which is easy because some days I just LOVE to talk about myself, and pass it along to 10 awesome bloggers (harder because I have been stalking Attracted to Shiny Things so hard that I have barely read any other blogs in the last few weeks...)

Deep Things:

1. Although I have upwards of 400 friends on the Facebook, I have a mysteriously absent social life.  Seriously.  I don't know what happened to all my real life friends, but since I moved back to Upstate New York 3 years ago, I have had only a few outings that involved anyone other than my kid and her father.  Perhaps I should be spending less time on the Facebook.

2. Just when I had gotten to the point where I didn't care that I was overweight, I outgrew my fat clothes.  Now I have to lose weight.  I was okay with not being skinny.  I was.  I went out and spent some money on big-girl sized clothes and was like "fuck it."  Because in truth, I like chocolate cake WAY more than I liked being tiny-sized.  So I accepted it and moved on.  But apparently my ass didn't get the message that I was perfectly comfortable in a size 14.  Because it thinks that a 16 or 20 would be more comfortable.  Which would be fine, I guess.  But I truly cannot afford to go and buy any more clothes.  So the cake will have to wait.

That's me on the right.

3. I used to date a con man who maintained that I was the only person he ever told the truth to.  Back when I was kid, I had a little boyfriend and he had a little brother.  The little brother grew up to be super hot and charming and I totally fell for him.  Then he moved away and I carried that torch until a few years later when we met up again and I fell all over again.  But something wasn't right.  He acted really suspiciously all the time.  He changed phone numbers and addresses all the time.  He was incredibly unreliable.  For example, we would have plans for the weekend and I would confirm this with him on Friday.  Then Saturday he would fail to show up but Sunday morning he would call me from South Carolina and explain that "the Feds" showed up so he had to take off for a few days. "The Feds" came up ALL THE TIME.  My friend and I used to laugh about it because we thought he just had a girlfriend or something and so I ended up basically writing him off.  But a few weeks later I saw on the local news that they had caught one of his best friends who was wanted in like 7 states for fraud and assorted scams and realized that all these places his friend was wanted were places he had called me from (as confirmed on my phone bill).   The friend went to prison for a really long time but never ratted.  He managed to run from the Feds for another 8 years before he was let go on a technicality just recently.  He's still fucking amazingly hot.

4. This is really hard.  If I was just giving you random facts I would be able to do this, but "DEEP THINGS?"  What the hell Yvonne?

5. I am a really shitty housekeeper.  I hate cleaning and I have a 4 year old running around so you see how this is a problem.  I never understood those people who get a rush from cleaning and organizing because I get the opposite.  Cleaning drains me.  It makes me want to die. Not to say my house is FILTHY.  I clean.  But I don't do all the maintenance stuff as often as I should (I refuse to clean toilets more than once a week and I force Ben to scrub the tub which only happens maybe once a month) but it gets done eventually.  And I refuse to pick up Lila's crap more than once a day so generally shit stays strewn all over the house until she goes to bed at night.  And don't get me started about the inside of my car.

6. I don't really believe in God but I believe in Serendipity.  I was raised Catholic and always had a hard time swallowing the whole "God will punish you" thing because it just seemed that God had better things to do than watch teenagers masturbate or monitor my every thought for covetousness.  So I stopped believing.  But I never stopped believing that there is some kind of master plan and that everything happens for a reason.  Not that we don't make our own choices.  We do.  And we go horribly off path.  But in the end we always end up where we need to be.

7. I was afraid that my kid was going to destroy my shitty attitude and bad ass reputation.  Instead she gave me more shit to be pissed about.  But she also made me a total dork.  You know how old people never listen to new music until it's on a commercial?  Well, that's me.  I also dress the same as I did like 10 years ago, totally oblivious to trends and can't be bothered with makeup most days.  Congratulations Lila for making me totally lame.

I am working on bringing this look back.

OK.  Now the hard part:

I hereby bestow the Blog on Fire Award to the following bloggers:

1. Tails of Motherhood

2. Pooping in Peace

3. People I Want to Punch in the Throat

4.  OK in UK

5. 39 for the First Time

6. Bad Words

7. Just Plain Jayne

8. Taking it On

9. Adventures in Mommyhood

10. Shanimal's Crackers

Yes...It DOES.

I have a problem of feeling very alone sometimes, surrounded by women who LOVE being moms.  So every now and then I google "motherhood sucks".  I am rarely disappointed.  Today I found this blog and wanted to share it with you.


The worst mother

Motherhood Sucks. And then you DON’T die.

By the WORST mother


Yeah, you heard me.

MOTHERHOOD SUCKS!

With a capital M-O-T-H-E-R-H-O-O-D-S-U-C-K-S

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are moms so afraid to admit this? Oh, that’s right, I know….

BECAUSE REAL MOMS LOVE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF BEING A MOTHER.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

WAKING.

MOMENT.

So, does that mean there is something wrong with ME?

You all know I disagree totally with this whole thing.  NO!  There's NOTHING wrong with you!  IT FUCKING SUCKS 90% of the time. 

I love this:

Luckily she does come to a new and better conclusion:

Seriously.  Go check her out.  Mention you found her through me and I will be forever thankful.

CLICK HERE
or go to:
http://theworstmother.wordpress.com/ 

-Selena

Stuff I'm thinking

The fun part of having a blog is that you can run random thoughts by complete strangers who may or may not read what you are putting out there. 

I have always been pretty passionate about politics.  Not in a real, overly involved sort of way.  But more in a "I cannot stand the world I live in" sort of way.  Everyone has their way of contributing to their cause and I feel like my way of contributing is to bitch about it to complete strangers. 

Before I had Lila, I had a little website I called "Selenaland" (which I am sure you can still find) where I just posted random bits of news and commentary on them.  And it was a release for me because I didn't have to scare my co-workers with my talk of revolution and slapping George W. Bush in the face if I ever met him.  But since I have become "Lila's Mom" (the loss of identity is another post) I don't have that outlet any more.

I have seen blogs by moms who are also into politics, but truthfully, I don't associate most of my political beliefs with the fact that I am a mom.  Can I possibly explain my vehement hatred of Jim Boehner (which I always pronounce as BONER) or my adamant support of Obama away just with the fact that Lila is on this earth?  Not really.  But being someone who is a working class mother and not an academic or a professional commentator certainly gives me a different view than, say, Glenn Beck (the fact that I try not to eat the pretty mushrooms also contribute to that enormous difference of opinion).

In the next few weeks, I am going to launch my blog and would love to have some other regular contributors.  Perhaps someone who would also join me on the occasional podcast.  If you find you feel like you have some opinions you'd like to anonymously put out there, let me know.  I'd love to collaborate.

Again, I am just thinking "out loud" here.

For my friends without kids (or who still fantacize)

There is a forum where they discussed a post from BecauseMotherhoodSucks.  I actually enjoyed reading about being child free and remember how awesome it was when I could make simple decisions for myself.  There is more to the site than the discussions, but this is a good place to start.

The Child Free Life Forum.