School troubles

I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been absent for nearly a year.  I am going to address that by explaining that I have had computer problems and been busy with a full time job. 

But what I want to talk to you about today is school troubles.  Particularly little girl problems.  More specifically mean girl behavior aimed straight at my kid.

Lila is in 2nd grade now (I know, right?).  She likes school.  She does well and her teacher has told me that she is a pleasure to have in class.  Her teacher also told me that she is always willing to lend a helping hand or offer a hug to her classmates  She said that Lila doesn't seem to have time for all the little girl drama that goes on in the class and because of this Lila tends to be a little bit of a loner.

But lately Lila has been saying things that break my heart.  She told me that one of the little girls, who we will simply call A, has been being mean to her.  She says that A always tells her the she can't sit with her at lunch and tells the other kids not to sit with Lila.  She has gotten in Lila's face and told her to stop talking to other kids. Apparently A is one of the popular girls and everyone wants to sit with A.  Lila is really upset by this and I just don't know how to handle it.

I told Lila that she shouldn't want to be friends with someone who is mean and bordering on bullying.  I told her that she should sit with people who want to be her friend.  She told me that she doesn't think anyone does want to be her friend except one boy who she plays with at recess and whenever they have free time.  What makes this more upsetting for Lila is that in Kindergarten she considered A her best friend.  They used to play together and always sat together.  Now A is a little asshole to my kid and my kid has to walk around feeling betrayed by someone who used to be her friend. 

I spoke to Lila's teacher and told her that A was being mean to Lila and the teacher said she talked to A and that A admitted what she was doing.  The teacher told her to knock it off.  And for the last couple of days things have been better.  When I asked Lila how school went yesterday she told me that A let her sit next to her at lunch. 

This kind of pissed me off.  I don't know how to express to my kid that she is a perfectly nice kid and that she shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from someone.  How do I make her see that she doesn't need to be accepted by the cool kids to have worth?  Why is the pull to be with the "in crowd" so strong and at this young of an age? 

But this is only part of the problem for me.  My kid doesn't have any girl friends at school.  She doesn't have that one best friend who she hangs out with.  I have encouraged her to get her friends' phone numbers and we can call them up to come over but she doesn't seem to want to do that.  I worry that it is unhealthy that she doesn't have a best friend.  I did at her age.  I had 2 actually.  My friends would come over, we'd drag them along on family outings, we'd have sleepovers.  I want that for my daughter.  I don't know how to encourage her to make friends with someone at school. 

I wonder if this isn't because she is an only child. That leads to mommy guilt and I don't like that at all.  I have never had a lot of friends.  Maybe I am not a good model of how to be friends with someone.  I certainly don't know how to make friends.  The few friends I have are people I have known forever.  I too would like to make new girl friends but I have no idea how to go about it.  How am I supposed to teach her how to do it?

Maybe A will have a change of heart.  Maybe she will feel bad about her behavior and start including Lila in her play.  I doubt it.  I just need to find a way to build my kid up and teach her that she is enough regardless of who wants to sit with her at lunch.

Ok. Seriously Now.

I am terrified of something. It haunts me as I lay next to Lila during story time at night. It creeps up on me when she wakes up in the morning and wants to sit on my lap on the couch. It eats at me a song I like comes on the radio and she declares, "I LOVE THIS SONG"!!!

I am afraid that this is the most I will ever like my kid.

We're not talking about "LOVING" because I am pretty sure I would (actually do) subject myself to all manner of torture to ensure that she doesn't suffer. But LOVE is not the same as LIKE.

My profile pic says it all.

As many of you know, I started this blog because motherhood is sometimes hard and sometimes boring and sometimes frustrating and sometimes just sucks. I also had pretty severe post-partum depression and spent the first several months of Lila's life not "liking" her very much. She screamed 16 hours a day for 6 months and slept in 20 minute spurts and that meant that I slept in 10 minute spurts because it took me at least 10 minutes to fall asleep. Needless to say, I was pretty sure that my child was sent specifically to punish me for whatever the hell I did in my past life.

If I invented shit like this, I probably deserve it.

The other problem is that over the last 4 years, I have struggled with major depressive disorder and that pretty much makes you not like anyone or anything. I spent a lot of time just trying to stay sane, and having a toddler around (and then a preschooler) generally accomplished exactly the opposite of that. Although I absolutely adored her and knew that she was the most wonderful child anyone has ever had (and I'm not saying that because I am her mother, I am saying it because she totally is) and I wanted to enjoy spending time with her, kids are kind of a huge pain in the ass.

As you can see, age 3 was worse than age 2.

And then last summer, something happened. It all started with my nervous breakdown and a brief trip to a "recovery resort" (read: mental hospital). When I came home, I was still weak but something had clicked while I was away. I felt different. Suddenly I felt like I was really a mother. Perhaps it was just some delayed reaction or maybe it was the drugs they had me on, but I like to think it was because Lila had turned 4, and suddenly she was learning all these cool things and not throwing so many tantrums and actually learning that it isn't okay to scream in the house.

This feeling has been a constant since then. Lila is a really good kid. She is smart and funny and loving and well behaved (when she isn't at Grandma's). I find myself excited to spend the day alone with her where before the idea of it terrified me (seriously, I would have panic attacks). I love doing bedtime with her because she talks about the things she loves and always includes me. She likes whatever I like, wants to do whatever I do, and I know everything about her.

And that's when the fear kicks in. What happens when she goes to school all day? She will learn about things that I can't control. She'll make new friends and those friends will begin to teach her things that I don't want her to know and she'll start realizing that the things that I like are actually really awful and lame and she'll tell me so. What if I just don't like the person she becomes?

What if she thinks this ass basket is cool?

YES, YES, I know this is probably not going to happen like that. That I am ignoring all the incredible things that she will be doing and that in all likelihood, I will grow to enjoy her even more. But this isn't about being rational. This is about realizing that I lost time during my darkest periods and fearing that this happiness will be fleeting (by the way, I totally got all teary-eyed typing that last sentence and that is why I am would rather just complain all the time).

This is when I need to be assured that it isn't just my medication (because I don't trust that at all) and that at some point I will realize that it isn't just a fluke (at least until she hits the awful teen years).

Say Hello to My Little (annoying) Friend.

Lila has a best friend. 

There is a little girl who lives 3 houses down (we'll call her "J")  who is 5 and she and Lila are apparently infatuated with each other.  You would think I would be thrilled that Lila has someone so close by to play with.  But my kid is obsessive.  And as I am learning so is her little friend. 

For the most part, they play together wonderfully.  Lila has no problem letting J play with all her toys and actually encourages J to take the first turn on any toy they have to share (as I was writing the last sentence, there was a knock at my door.  It is J wanting Lila to play.  It's 9:30 in the morning.  More on this later).  Lila is a tremendously gracious host and for a 4 year old, very polite.  J is not so much.  She is demanding and bossy.  She is high maintenance.  She can't play with any one thing for more than a few minutes wanting to go inside, then outside, then upstairs then back outside then needs to poop all in a matter of minutes.  Lila does not play like this.  It frustrates her, and makes me insane.

The fact that J can't sit still is actually the least annoying thing about the situation.  We can see J's yard from our living room window.  Practically every 3 minutes for 5 months now, Lila goes to the window excitedly yelping, "I think J is home! I want to go play with her!" or "I want to go play in J's yard!".   This isn't awful in itself, but it's impossible to get her to come and have dinner when she SEES J playing in her back yard. 

And J spends a LOT of time outside.  I am pretty sure that her parents send her outside for hours at a time by herself, which makes me extremely nervous to send Lila over there.  I realize that we live on a dead end street and that their yard is completely fenced in, but I still want to watch my kid to make sure she doesn't get hurt or abducted.  She's only 4 for Christ's sake and we haven't begun to terrorize her with "Stranger Danger" quite yet.  Needless to say, when they play together it's either at my house or with me sitting outside watching them.  This consumes way more of my time than I would like. 

Yesterday, I had the day off and my mother took Lila so that I could get some housework and errands done.  At 9:30, J came to the door asking if Lila could come out to play.  I told her that Lila was at her Grandma's and wouldn't be home until close to dinner time.  She accepted this and walked away.  About 15 minutes later, my front door opens and J takes off up my stairs!  "You can't just walk into people's houses," I tell her.  "Plus, I told you Lila isn't home.  Go home and I will send Lila over when she comes home later." 

At 10:30, I just happen to look outside and see that J is in my yard playing with Lila's soccer ball and net.  "You can't play in my yard when Lila isn't here and with no one keeping an eye on you," I tell her.  She goes home. 

At 11:15, my doorbell rings.  Guess who?

At 12:00, Ben comes home for lunch.  J comes running down the street asking him if Lila is home.

At around 1:00, I go to take a shower.  When I turn off the water,  I hear DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG, knock knock knock knock, DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG.  J is assaulting my doorbell and rabidly knocking at my door.  I decide to ignore her.  This continues while I get dressed, brush my teeth, apply makeup, and blow dry my hair for about 20 minutes.  When I finally go downstairs and open the door, she asks "is Lila home?"

REALLY?  I think.  Seriously?  "It isn't dinner time yet, is it?" I say.  "No," she tells me.  I explain to her that if someone doesn't answer the door after the SECOND time you ring the doorbell, that they are either not home or they are too busy to answer the door, and further, that it is not good manners to keep on coming over after I already told her that Lila isn't home and won't be home until much later. 

When I come home from running errands at 4:00, guess who is sitting on my porch?

As I was writing this (about 20 minutes ago), J came to the door.  She and Lila played for about 5 minutes and J wanted to "run home for a minute."  This means I have to go out onto my porch and watch her (because regardless of what her parents allow, I am not going to be held responsible of something DOES happen to her).  She came back with a Justin Bieber photograph, and stayed for about 3 minutes before needing to "run home again." 

Image removed because I was tired of seeing the searches used to find my blog were overwhelmingly filled with "Justin Bieber Bulge".  SERIOUSLY.  WHO THE HELL IS SEARCHING FOR THAT???

I am SOOOO glad she starts full-day Kindergarten tomorrow.

They say they know VERY early

As a mother, I often feel the need to prescribe meaning to every little thing my kid does.  She likes to wear tappy shoes?  She needs to take tap lessons.  She wants me to buy her paint?  Maybe she'll be an artist.  Everything and anything becomes some prediction of her future.  I know this is insane but when she said what she said, I obviously raised an eyebrow.

http://monedesignz.spreadshirt.com

The other night I was chatting with Lila, all relaxed and cozy and ready for bedtime when the subject came to her friends at preschool.  Devon is her BEST friend and she has to walk out holding hands with her every day.  She has professed her LOVE for Devon on many occasions and the two often kiss on the lips.  I just chalk it up to her being best friends with this other overly affectionate little girl.

Then she said something to me that I partially applauded and which also made me nervous.  "Mommy," she said.  "I think Devon is my boyfriend but she's a girl.  Is that okay?" 

"Of course it's okay," I said, as open-minded liberal free love mother of the year.  But somewhere inside (and this is a HUGE confession because I am completely in love with the gays on every level) I was nervous.  What if she is (gulp) a lesbian???? 

When I was pregnant Ben and I joked about how we wanted her to be a lesbian so that we wouldnt have to worry about teenage boys and I totally know that when it came down to it I wouldn't care.  But being gay is still a hard life in this country.  Who wants their kid to have to grow up doubting and being made fun of and not being able to marry who the hell they want?  Or being this guy:

They always go just a LITTLE too far...
image via MSN.com

Then I stopped myself because I realized that she is not quite four and likely just has a little friend crush and isn't interested in boys yet.

But most people that I know DO say that they knew when they were VERY young...Shit.


On a totally unrelated side note, when I searched for a picture of lesbians, I couldnt get any to come up because there were too many explicit images.  There is something very wrong with that.