Sick Kid, Broken Mirrors and Sparkles

Lila is sick again.  Last night we ended up taking her to Urgent Care because she had a fever of 103.5 that wouldn't go down with Tylenol.  Turns out she has Strep Throat.  And because I love my kid (don't tell anyone) and wanted to make sure she got her Motrin and antibiotics every 6 hours, I brought her to bed with me. 

There is a very simple reason why I NEVER let Lila sleep in bed with me.  Because although I LOVE the idea of her cuddled up next to me with her little head nestled in the crook of my arm, in reality she wakes me up every time she moves, talks in her sleep and physically assaults me throughout the night.  She literally slapped me in the face THREE TIMES.  IN THE FACE! 

So I am waiting for her to wake up and get the hell out of bed so that her father can watch her all day and I can go BACK to bed and get some sleep.  Which is a shame because it's damn near 70 degrees outside already and it's only 10 am. 

So to amuse you this morning, here is the Sunday Stealing you have all been waiting for.


Sunday Stealing: The Her Head Is Part Missing Meme

1. What is your most annoying habit?

Going online to check my bank balance (or some other really quick little thing) and coming away 4 hours later not knowing what the hell happened.

2. What habit would you change of your partner's?

(I added the apostrophe and it made MUCH more sense...)  All of them?

3. Horrors or Chick Flicks?

Porn?

4. What is the most outrageous thing you have done in the back row of the movies?

Fell asleep.  I saved all my outrageousness for basements and back seats.

5. When have you lied to get a job?

Never.  The Jedi mind trick has never failed me.

 

As you can imagine, that line works like a charm.

6. What one thing is on your list to do before you hit 30, 40, 50 or whatever significant birthday is next?

Convince everyone that I am their savior.  Then sit back and laugh as they formulate a world-dominating religion around me.

7. Classic or modern films and why?

Both because I am not a pretentious "film" asshole. 

8. If you were a vampire who would be the first person you would bite?

Myself if I sparkled. And I would spend the rest of eternity apologizing for being one of the douchy Twilight vampires.

 

 

I couldn't pick which one I liked better.

9. If you had the power to make one thing better, what would it be?

My poor sick kid.

10. What makes a great blog?

Honesty.  And pictures stolen from the Internet with witty captions.  Especially if someone is offended.

(This is what REALLY makes a great blog)

11. What was the inspiration that brought your blog to the blogosphere?

All you need to know is the name of my blog.  No one wanted to admit it and I was like "yeah, well it fucking sucks.  So there."

12. What easily ticks you off (puts you in a bad mood quickly)?

Stupidity, people who can't spit out what they're trying to say, people who ask me what the hell I'm talking about.

13. How many children do you have?

One.  And seriously.  That's more than enough.

 

It's only a matter of time...

 

14. Is there anything you have ever regretted writing on your blog?

No.  Except for some of these answers.

15. What’s your favorite blog post you have written this year so far?

It's been a pretty rough year for writer's block.  I haven't written much.  Maybe this one. Or this one about the non-genderized kid.  Notice they're both angry rants...

16. Do you ever enter other bloggers competitions, and have you ever been lucky?

I don't because I am literally the unluckiest person alive.  Want to hit the lottery?  Ask me to pick 45 numbers and play the ones I don't pick.  Seriously. 

This is how I start my day.

17. If you could be anyone else for the day, who would you choose and why?

Lila.  That kid lives in the lap of luxury.

18. If you could time travel to any period of history what era would you visit?

25 A.D.  I want to see what Jesus was really all about.     

19. If you had to be genetically modified, would you rather have a third arm, a third leg, a second head or some other modification???

I would want a third penis. 

20. Which Disney character can you most relate to?

Any of these guys:

I'm Just Not Into You, Dolphins.

Oh there's more where this came from...

Sunday Stealing: The Eve Was Framed Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Why is your favorite color your favorite?
Blood red reminds me of blood.  Duh!


2. Do you prefer dogs or cats or do you just hate animals, and want to kill baby seals?
Hahahaha.  I prefer cats, but seriously, I am not really an animal lover. I hate dolphins.  And I have been told that this clearly means I am a terrible person because it is nearly impossible to hate dolphins.  But I do.  F**k dolphins.

Dolphins are assholes.

3. How much time do you spend on the computer?If you don't count the amount of time I just tool around and look at LolCats, then none. 

4. Not including porn, what do you do on the computer?I make smartassed someecards, play on facebook and troll my blog friends' blogs.  Oh, and I internet stalk you.

5. Are you a clock watcher?
I'm a Wheel Watcher.  (If the song instantly came into your head when you read that you get 10 points.  If you know what I am talking about you get 5 more points)

6. What do you/did you look for in a partner?
I like a guy who has a criminal past and a 4 lb penis. 

7. What type of clothing do you prefer?
I like to stroll around in a trench coat and black socks with the calf garters. 

8. What is your favorite type of music? 
Bad music.  Like this:

9. Do you believe in the paranormal, Ghosts, ESP, levitation, spoon bending?
Yes.  And I can predict the future:  You are going to scroll down...See?

10. The most important question: Do you have a inie or outie belly button?
I had an outie until I got fat.  The fat ate my belly button. 

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A Toyota but I am looking into this:

GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE GRANDMA!!!

12. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun or The Boys Are Back in Town?
(whisper) Boys are back.  The boys are back.

13. Camping or the Ritz?
I don't believe in camping.  My idea of roughing it is living out of 3 suitcases.

14. What food are you craving RIGHT NOW . . . did you eat it?
If I ate it, I wouldn't still be craving it...But nothing.  I ate a HUGE meal a few hours ago and still feel like exploding.

15. The most thrilling place you've ever visited. Why?
Adult World.  Because anything that has "land" or "world" at the end is OBVIOUSLY thrilling.  Plus it is a dirty store and soon to be subject of a movie starring Jon Cusack (true story-google "Adult World" and "Jon Cusack").

16. If you could slip into the skin of one public figure--celebrity, artist,--who would it be?
I would want to be Rush Limbaugh, and I would have gay sex, perform an abortion, smoke some crack and then kill myself, all on camera. 

Yes, you.

17. Look up from your computer. What do you see first?
The wires hanging from the flat screen that Ben was supposed to hide so that I don't have to look at them every time I look up from the computer.

18. Sum up your philosophy of life in one sentence. You can borrow it from someone else, if you'd like.

19. Name the one thing you just don't understand about kids today.
Why they need so many things...food, water, shelter.  It's crazy!

20. If you could steal one work of art from a museum or gallery, which would it be?
THIS:

Yes.  It's a CAT RODEO!!!
There is a whole series of these which really deserve their own blog post.

Jersey Shore and Vice Presidents

Sunday Stealing: The Scottish Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Where are you from and where do you live now?
I am from one of the snowiest places in the country and somehow I am still here.

2. Favorite childhood story/book/film?
Story: The one that my parents told me trying to convince me I was normal; Book: The Story of Ferdinand; Movie: Purple Rain (I was a strange kid)

I really thought I would be Apollonia when I grew up.

3. If you could change gender for a day what would you do?
Sit home all day and watch Internet porn and masturbate?  Isn't that what guys do?

4. Do you feel you family is complete or would you like more/some children?
I believe I have been VERY clear on this.  I am done.

5. What do you do/Where do you work and do you enjoy it?
I work in the library as the in-house sexy library chick.  It's on my resume.

6. Which three words do you think sum you up?
Need More Coffee

7. If you were a fairy what magical powers would you possess?
I would stand on the shoulders of douche bags and convince them that they were crazy and that they were hearing God.  Not really a magical power, but it sounds like a worthy calling.

8. If you were invisible, where would you go and what would you do? Why?
See above.

9. What song can’t you listen to without crying?
2 Live Crew's Me So Horny

10. Which book changed your life – or at least made you think a lot?
The Catechism I had in 2nd grade.  It was around this time that I started to wonder why the hell Catholicism was so terrifying and began to think there might be something wrong with the "God" I had been taught about. 

11. Why do you blog?
Read my blog title.  In fact, I named it in response to this VERY question.

12. What is your top ‘me-time’ tip?
Don't spend it doing anything useful.  I recommend napping.

13. What can’t you live without?
Xanax, coffee, food, shelter, water, etc.

14. Which of all your blog posts are you most proud of and why?
I am proudest of my posts about my postpartum depression.  Because I feel other women need to know that they aren't alone in feeling like they hate their babies and that it doesn't mean they're terrible mothers.

15. Have you ever met a famous person? Who and where?
Yes.  I was a groupie. 

16. When did you last have a full nights sleep?
Last night.  I am so glad my doctor prescribed me Trazadone.

17. What would you think is harder: Going to work or staying at home with children?
Spending a few days alone all day with Lila always cures my desire to stay at home all day with her.

18. What are you doing for Easter?
Sacrificing virgins?

19. What is your favorite drink?
Coffee.  Oh! You mean alcoholic:
(From Smokin' Bones) Skinny Redheaded Hottie
"Looks good. Goes down great. Three Olives Cherry Vodka, lite sour mix, cranberry juice and a splash of Sprite®. Served on the rocks with a cherry on top."
20. Do you play any sports?
If napping was a competition, I would.

That might be hard to beat...

21. What is your most embarrassing moment?
This is actually pretty hard...I don't get embarrassed easily.  In case you haven't noticed, I am pretty shameless.

22. How clever are you?
Pretty clever.

23. Name a new favorite TV show?
The River.  Some episodes are corny, but some are completely terrifying and I love that!

24. Any guilty pleasures?
Jersey Shore.  But I hate to admit it. 

It brings out the cougar in me.

25. If you could have chosen your own name, what would it be?
Probably something like Amanda or Brittney.  I wanted nothing more than a "regular" name when I was little (in the early 80s).  But I love my name now.

26. Who do you most admire in life, and why?
I admire anyone who is known for not bullshitting. Stephen Colbert and Joe Biden come to mind.

It's not real but doesn't it seem completely plausible?

27. What is your most treasured possession?
It used to be the awful scrapbook I made when I was 12, but now it's Lila.

28. Tell your favorite funny joke…
Knock knock.
Go the fuck away!

29. What is your biggest fear in life?
That I am not really destined for world domination?

30. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? What does it remind you of?
Chocolate with Peanut Butter.  It reminds me of what a fat ass I am.

Because Goldfish = Death and a Velvet Elvis.

I feel like 4 is too young to have to have the "everything living will die" talk with my kid. I mean, seriously, there will be plenty of time for her to learn that nothing is permanent and that even her parents will someday die.

So that is why I refuse to allow her to have a goldfish. Because with the rare exception of the one that lives to be 13 years old (my friend had one), they basically live for a couple of weeks and then the whole family has to give a eulogy standing around the toilet and sending little fluffy off to the eternal abyss (also known as the municipal sewer system).

But you gotta love dads. Yesterday, Ben took Lila to the Wal-Mart looking for undershirts and for some reason came home with a little fish tank and 2 gold fish (and also hot pink rocks and a glow in the dark plastic plant). Lila had already named her fish (Orange Fish and Star Fish) and they set the tank up. Ben THEN thought it would be a great idea to let her have the fish in her room.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" I casually whispered to him while Lila sat completely hypnotized by her new creatures. "They're just goldfish!" He replied. That was when I had to pull him into another room and let him know that I was not going to be the one explaining what happened to the fish when Lila finds them belly up in the water first thing in the morning.

"You see," I explained. "I don't want to have the death talk at all yet. But at least if you had suggested we keep the fish in the kitchen or living room, we would have had the advantage of finding the dead fish first and making up some story about how he missed his mom and went home after we disposed of him without her knowledge." He looked at me like I was presenting an argument for the possibility of Ancient Aliens.

"Whatever," I say. "In a week or two when you hear that blood curdling scream at 5:00 in the morning, YOU are going to go and deal with it. Not me."

He shook his head. "She'll be fine.

It's only a matter of time...

About an hour later, I am in the kitchen and Lila goes upstairs to "check on her fish" and I hear a frantic "MOMMY! DADDY! COME QUICK!"

"Here we go," I tell Ben as we go upstairs preparing for the worst.

"My fish aren't moving." I look. They're just sitting there. But they're not floating. "They're sleeping," I tell her. Then they start swimming normally. I nudge Ben. "As long as they're not floating on the top sideways, they're not dead," he gently explains. This does absolutely NOTHING to help the situation. She calls us (and of course, I send him) 6 more times before bedtime.

...................................................................................

And now for the usual Sunday fare:

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 3

Cheers to all of us thieves!

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that shit.

52) What is your astrological sign?

Realist

53) Do you save money for anything? What?
I try to save enough for booze but sometimes there are just too many bills.

54) What's the last thing you purchased?

Cheap art for my living room.

I should have just ordered this.

55) Have you ever had a relationship that you realized was lust not love?
Pretty much all of them up until this one. And now we have the opposite problem.

56) In a relationship?
I'm in something much, much worse.

57) How many relationships have you had?
HA! How long are we talking? Because if we don't put a minimum time qualification, then I would say HUNDREDS.

58) What do you want to tell us about your day?
That if I get through it without slapping anyone then it will have been a success.

59) Where were you yesterday?
I spent a lot of time running around looking for shoe inserts. Don't ask.

60) Is there anything interesting within 10 feet of you?
With a 4 year old, there tends to be a WHOLE LOT of crap all around me, all the time. But interesting? Not really.

61) Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes. And underwear.

62) What's your favorite animal?
Sloth. I totally relate.

Dear Suicidal Sloth: Please don't do it! Life is worth living!

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Well, there's always sex.

64) Where is your best friend?
Probably home.

65) How did you end your last relationship end?

The same way all my past relationships ended, with betrayal and then revenge.

66) What is your heritage?
I actually did a bunch of genealogy research last summer only to find that I come from a long line of boring Italians and drunk poles.

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Watching SNL.

68) What's new?
If there was anything I would have blogged about it.

69) What is the key to seduction?
Show your boobs. That always works.

70) What was the weirdest thing that happened to you this week??
My kid didn't cause me to regret being alive.

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
I have a government job which means that it is extremely unlikely that I would get fired for lateness. Or anything else.  Suck it boss!

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
Well, first I punch that asshole doctor for not catching whatever it is sooner.  Then I pretty much completely lose my mind with anxiety and spend my remaining days in a mental hospital.

73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.
I read somewhere that you can trust someone you don't love, but you can't love someone you don't trust. That being said, I choose trust. Love is nothing but trouble.

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Short Dick Man by 20 fingers (10 points if you remember that one).

75) Who has your cell phone number (other than family)?

Apparently a bunch of debt collectors. Lucky me!

How do you do it?

Some weeks this is all that I can muster.  Seriously, how the hell do you other bloggers always have shit to post?   I have been in a funk and the kid has been more or less behaved.  Crap.  I am turning boring.  Here.  Enjoy.

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 2

Cheers to all of us thieves!

26) Are you happy with the person you've become?

No.  And more importantly, I am very disappointed in you as well.

27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

My kid when she's whining, she sounds like an injured cat.  My kid when she's laughing it's what I imagine flowers blooming would sound like.

28) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if this is a stupid question?

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Yes.  Because I believe that if there is life after death and a person can do and go ANYWHERE, that they would choose to hide in my closet.  As for aliens, I believe in the lizard people from the center of the earth who are secretly destroying the human race.  If you don't believe me, here is an actual picture of the Queen of England caught off guard by the paparazzi.

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
resentment

32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
The psychiatric emergency room at St. Joseph's Hospital.  Even though I was having a nervous breakdown, they made me wait for 11 hours and then basically shrugged and sent me home. 

33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
If we're talking rap, I choose West Coast during the 90s, but East Coast today. 

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Lady Gaga is a drag queen, right?


Can you tell which is Gaga and which is the drag queen?  Me neither:

 

 

.

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
42.

36) Define: Art.
Art demands emotion.  If it induces people to say, "eh.  I don't get it," then it is crap.  Not art.

37) Do you believe in luck?
If I was lucky I might.

38) Patriots or Giants? Or, who gives a rat's ass?
I am going to go on the record and predict that the big winner of the Superbowl will be the guys who sold commercial space.

Now THAT'S a SUPER BOWL.

39) Will you watch the game? If yes, with who?
No.  But I will likely have to pretend I give a shit when Ben comes home.

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
Um....yes and yes, although it wasn't as dramatic as this:

41) What was the last book you read?
If You Give a Moose a Muffin.  I don't usually get all the way through books with more than 30 or so pages anymore.

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Yes, especially when it's poured all over the house of an ex boyfriend.

43) Do you have any nicknames?
Mom, mommy, mom.  mom, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOOOOMMMMYYYY! MOMMY, MOM, MOMMY....

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Beauty and the Beast.  For the 763rd time.

45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Well, I had a baby...

Someone made this comparison once and I have been unable to eat
roast beef ever since.  You're welcome.

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
No, but moths seem to love to dive straight at me.

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
Just the usual:  xanax, napping, stupid questions to post to my blog, that kind of thing.

This kid knows what I'm talking about.

48) What's your sexual orientation?
I'm Trisexual.  I'll try anything once.

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
HA!  Yup.  I start them myself.

50) Do you believe in magic?

Abracadabra...I will have something interesting to say....Nope.  Didn't work.

The usual Sunday fare.

Sunday Stealing: The 99'er Meme: Part 1

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
OK, I did, and I refuse to admit to you how awful my taste in music is (New Kids on the Block came up, ok?)

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Yvonne at Attracted to Shiny Things

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"Ugly - overweight with bad skin and an" (fill in the rest)

4) What do you think about most?
gay porn?

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
I don't know, but it isn't as entertaining as this one:

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
I sleep in a rubber suit.

7) What's your strangest talent?
I can nap like no ones business.

8) Women.... (finish the sentence); Men.... (finish the sentence)
Women will read this whole thing...Men don't usually read my blog.

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
yes and gross.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I only play air harpsichord.

This is just how I roll...

11) Do you have any strange phobias?
I am afraid that my mother was right.

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
My nose?  No.

No, it's not mine.  But WTF???

13) What's your religion?

I believe that Elvis is really Jesus and Michael Jackson is still alive.  Amen.

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Trying frantically to get back inside.

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Now that I am not young and hot I try to avoid cameras all together.

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

EASY - These guys:

17) What was the last lie you told?

That I liked the band pictured above.

18) Do you believe in karma?

I believe in cause and effect.  Same thing.

19) What does your URL mean?

It means I started this blog because motherhood sucks.

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Weakness:  my sexy knees.  Strength:  My ability to not give a shit.

 

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Carl Sagan - Hey, I like 'em smart.

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes in the bathtub.

23) How do you vent your anger?

By taking Xanax and going to bed. Or this:

 

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I collect things to be angry about so I can take Xanax and go to bed.

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I prefer being left alone

 

Plenty of liquor and a bathroom fetish.

This is part 3 of a 3-part Meme.  The first 2 parts were okay, but this last one is a little...ummm.....depressing.

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Ends

Cheers to all of us thieves!

36. Have you watched American Horror Story?
I don't need to.  I lived through the terrible twos...and threes, and one and a halfs.  Oh did I mention my kid didn't stop crying for the first 6 months of her life?

Lila - 6 days old.

37. Baseball hat or toque?
Fuck off.

38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?
Usually I just stand there and savor the fact that I am in the bathroom and alone.

39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
Can we get out of the bathroom now?

Seriously.  Get me the fuck out of this bathroom now!

40. Pen or pencil?
I enjoy using pens, but I think pencils are better for jamming into my eyes when Lila insists on watching Aladdin for the 4700th time.

41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?
I am the unluckiest person alive.  Seriously.  I've gone, I've tried.  It has never ended well.

42. Have you thrown up on a plane?
um...surprisingly, no.

43. Have you thrown up in a car?
No. but I have cleaned a kid's puke from all over a car.  Three different times.

44. Have you thrown up at work?
NO!  Does this asshole have a throw up fetish?

45. Do you scream on roller coasters?
I do not believe in roller coasters.

Yeah, this looks like a TON of fun.
And I chose it because of all the throw up questins.

46. How many shoes do you have?
7.  7 individual shoes.

47. Who was your first roommate?
Well, technically that would be my parents.  But after that, Ben and his crackhead friend Rick.

48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
Zima?  Cysco? MD 20/20?  Boon's Farm?  I have no idea but it was the early 90's so it was definitely one of those.

As 'Lil Jon would say:
YEEE-AAY-AH
The best part is that for some reason, I searched
Google and found this on Runnersworld.com (?)

49. What was your first job?
Chasing boys

50. What was your first car?
1989 Dodge Omni.  It had no heat and didn't have an oil change in the entire 3 years I owned it, but that bitch always started. 

51. When did you go to your first funeral?
Wow.  This sure is an uncomfortable mix of questions.  I was 7.

Well, if there's going to be kids there...

52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I got paroled at 24.  5 years later I was back.

53. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs Cleary.  She had a cleft palate and was 107 years old.

54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
New York City.  On a tiny 12 seat commuter plane.  Terrifying.

55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
Me and my friend (who we called Pippi) snuck out to hang out with these 2 boys, one of which died in a car accident like 6 months later.

This is my friend Christina, aka Pippi

56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
First?  Jessica.  And isn't everyone still friends with everyone they ever knew on the Facebook?

57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?
Danforth Street.  Or as we liked to call it - The Cathouse.

58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
No one.  I go hide on the interwebs and pretend I am someone else.

59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
I am going to be in my first one next month.  Awful.

Here we are trying our dresses on.

60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Take my happy pills and get some coffee.

61. What was the first concert you attended?
I used to go to punk rock and hardcore shows when I was like 12.  I have no idea who was first but probably some lame local band.

62. First tattoo or piercing?
No and no...you would think that with all the cheap liquor and punk shows...

63. First celebrity crush?
I was obsessed with Prince when I was like 5.  What girl wouldn't love a 3 foot tall mixed-race elf who wears high heels?

What little girl doesn't dream of this?

 One last thing.  In searching for random pics on the google (God, I hope SOPA and PIPA don't pass) I found this:

Can someone please tell me what the hell is
wrong with the Japanese?