They need to knock this shit off...Seriously.

There is a really good reason that I try to only let my kid watch PBS cartoons.  But every now and then, a different channel gets put on and the commercials make me want to stab my eyes out. 

First it was the Pillow Pets, whose annoying and hypnotizing commercials turned my kid into a total animal.  You can read that post here.

Then about a month ago, evil had a new name and it was the Happy Napper. 

Well, thanks to Grandma, Lila got her stupid ladybug Happy Napper and can't actually nap on it because a) she has not napped since she was 2, and b) because when you stuff the ladybug into her little house the resulting pillow is lumpy and hard as a rock. 

This morning SOMEONE (Daddy) put on some cartoons for Lila and as soon as the Doodlebops (which are their own form of torture for me) was over, I looked up from my crap-induced stupor and realized Lila basically floating mesmerized toward the television. 

There is a new horror in town:

Now, if I am honest, these things are kind of cute.  The puppy (shown above) has ears that move up and down when you step in the slippers. And the unicorn appears to go to sleep when you aren't wearing them. 

As far as I can tell, they don't make any noise, although I have not researched them thouroughly enough to tell for sure, and so I am not totally and completely opposed to these (although if there is even the mildest snort, giggle or music that comes out of them I will change my tune).  But the commercial will make you want to vomit.  And after seeing it LITERALLY one time, Lila has been singing it all morning. 

The commercial told Lila that "Stompeez are more than just slippers...they're slippers with PERSONALITY!...They'll make you LAUGH!  They'll make you SMILE!"  all the while in the background the kids are screaming "WE WANT THEM!!!"

Luckily for you, I cannot find a link to the video, but if you go to the actual Stompeez website, you will see what we're dealing with here. 

Mind-numbing website complete with song.

When the commercial was over, Lila suddenly became re-animated as if a hypnotist just snapped his fingers and looked at me dead in the face and said, "Mommy, they're not just slippers.  THEY'RE STOMPEEZ!  AND I NEED TO HAVE THEM."

It is no use trying to explain to a 4 year old that she NEEDS food, water and shelter and that she simply WANTS the ridiculous slippers because it will just re-inforce how much she NEEDS them and she will probably end up convincing me otherwise.

I am going to try to explain to my mother that she IS NOT to buy them for her under any circumstances and that if she is lucky, she MAY get them for Christmas but I know it will be no use.  Grandmas can always be depended on to buy more of the useless crap that kids seem to love.

Mr. Sunday Night Special

Do you know this man?

My kid does.  OH YES, she does.

This is Tom Bergeron.  You may know him from Dancing with the Stars.  But this is not where we know "The Berge" from. 

Lila is obsessed with Tom Bergeron.  Every Sunday around 4 pm, she gets all ornery and starts demanding we eat dinner right away so that she can have her bath and be ready in time for what she calls, "The Berge".  You see, there was a time not so long ago, when we had the DVR and we could watch old episodes of what Lila calls "America's Homiest Funniest Homiest Videos" whenever it struck her fancy.  Several months ago, however, we gave up the cable TV, so now we only get to watch The Berge and "people getting hurt" (her other name for the show) when it is airs on ABC at 7:00 on Sundays.

I am personally kind of shocked that AFV is still on TV.  I mean, with all the viral videos that are all over the interwebs and all...but that show continues to delight my kid no matter how many kittens she sees swinging from ceiling fans; no matter how many douchbags catch a railing to the balls; no matter how many grandmas miss their chairs and plop down on their Depends.  It just does not get old for her.

On a related note, some of you are by now aware of my crush on Bob Sagat.  I love Bob Sagat because many people see him simply as the fun-loving dad on Full House or the once goofy commentator/host of AFV (in the days BEFORE The Berge).  But if you have ever seen his comedy routine or read the tabloids, you know that he is the filthiest, foul-mouthed, weird, creepy, older guy to ever spend months hanging around the Playboy mansion.  And I LOVE that about him!

Lila DOES NOT share my enthusiasm for Bob Sagat.  In fact, not too long ago, we watched a 20th (or 15th or 25th I am really not sure what it was) Anniversary show and The Berge was joined by my horndog crush Mr. Sagat.  Immediately, Lila's face soured the minute she spotted him. 

"WHO IS THAT GUY???"  She spit out at me. 

"That's Bob Sagat," I told her.  "He's really funny.  Mommy really likes him.  It is going to be an AWESOME AFV with this guy on!" 

She wasn't even remotely seeing it.  "I DO NOT like Tom Begeron's friend!"

I wondered how my other weird crushes would fare in her opinion.  Would she appreciate Joe Biden's hair style?  Would she accuse Louis CK of being a filthy ginger? It's a good thing I am OVER Stephen Colbert because I am sure she wouldn't appreciate his tone.

So tonight (actually in about ten minutes) just like mostly ever other Sunday evening will be spent with The Berge, along with Lila, Ben and our cat, The Asshole.  If I'm really lucky we will have a few laughs and some nice quiet time eating popcorn and being one big happy not-so-funny family.