They need to knock this shit off...Seriously.

There is a really good reason that I try to only let my kid watch PBS cartoons.  But every now and then, a different channel gets put on and the commercials make me want to stab my eyes out. 

First it was the Pillow Pets, whose annoying and hypnotizing commercials turned my kid into a total animal.  You can read that post here.

Then about a month ago, evil had a new name and it was the Happy Napper. 

Well, thanks to Grandma, Lila got her stupid ladybug Happy Napper and can't actually nap on it because a) she has not napped since she was 2, and b) because when you stuff the ladybug into her little house the resulting pillow is lumpy and hard as a rock. 

This morning SOMEONE (Daddy) put on some cartoons for Lila and as soon as the Doodlebops (which are their own form of torture for me) was over, I looked up from my crap-induced stupor and realized Lila basically floating mesmerized toward the television. 

There is a new horror in town:

Now, if I am honest, these things are kind of cute.  The puppy (shown above) has ears that move up and down when you step in the slippers. And the unicorn appears to go to sleep when you aren't wearing them. 

As far as I can tell, they don't make any noise, although I have not researched them thouroughly enough to tell for sure, and so I am not totally and completely opposed to these (although if there is even the mildest snort, giggle or music that comes out of them I will change my tune).  But the commercial will make you want to vomit.  And after seeing it LITERALLY one time, Lila has been singing it all morning. 

The commercial told Lila that "Stompeez are more than just slippers...they're slippers with PERSONALITY!...They'll make you LAUGH!  They'll make you SMILE!"  all the while in the background the kids are screaming "WE WANT THEM!!!"

Luckily for you, I cannot find a link to the video, but if you go to the actual Stompeez website, you will see what we're dealing with here. 

Mind-numbing website complete with song.

When the commercial was over, Lila suddenly became re-animated as if a hypnotist just snapped his fingers and looked at me dead in the face and said, "Mommy, they're not just slippers.  THEY'RE STOMPEEZ!  AND I NEED TO HAVE THEM."

It is no use trying to explain to a 4 year old that she NEEDS food, water and shelter and that she simply WANTS the ridiculous slippers because it will just re-inforce how much she NEEDS them and she will probably end up convincing me otherwise.

I am going to try to explain to my mother that she IS NOT to buy them for her under any circumstances and that if she is lucky, she MAY get them for Christmas but I know it will be no use.  Grandmas can always be depended on to buy more of the useless crap that kids seem to love.

Attack of the Killer Commercials!

Remember when I was all pissed off and irritated because of the Pillow Pets?

(If not go here and read about how the Pillow Pets Commercials temporarily ruined my life)

Well folks, I am here to tell you about a new evil that threatens to disrupt the fabric of life with small children as we know it.  No, I'm not talking about the overblown "arsenic in apple juice" debacle (which, by the way is stupid.  I learned in 7th grade that apple seeds have small amounts of arsenic in them which is why you aren't supposed to eat them).  I am talking about this crap seen below.  Stay in it for about 20 seconds.  The song will drive you to insanity.

Every time my kid sees this and hears the song, all I hear for the rest of the day is "I want the ladybug! She lives in a house! And you ring the doorbell!  And WOOOOOOW there's a UNICORN!  OH MY GOD I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THIS BECAUSE IT WAS ON TV AND EVERYTHING ON TV IS OBVIOUSLY AWESOME! Especially with such a catchy song!"

(The last couple of lines was my commercial induced insanity taking over)

Granted, my kid probably watches too much TV.  But what the hell else are kids supposed to do when they get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning and Mommy is still partially in a coma because she hasn't had her requisite 4 cups of coffee yet? 

For my kid, seeing this commercial is like a crack head being show commercials for crack.  SHE MUST HAVE IT. To her it's the most wonderful and urgent need in the world.  These things are the pinnacle of ecstasy and completely thrilling (I mean, look at how absolutely thrilled the kids in the commercial are). And it's all she can think about.  She will beg, borrow and steal (but mostly just whine) for the chance to have one. 

Seriously, this cutesy stuffed pet / pillow friend trend needs to be stopped.  Because before we know it, our preschoolers will form an army of commercial-jingle-induced zombies who threaten all out anarchy unless they get their nappy friends. 

Seriously, is this what we parents want?
source: http://www.cosplay.com

This is not a future that I want to have to envision.

Nickjr.com - Destroyer of Lives.

First off, I need to note that this is my 100th post!!!I feel like someone should throw me a party or something but that's pretty unlikely.  Anyhow...onto the real post:

I am pretty sure that if I had put a computer in front of Lila when she was 6 days old, she would have known exactly what to do with that mouse. 

Kids today seem to crown knowing how to make technology work and I suppose that's wonderful because it means that they can learn so much so quickly, and also make me feel like an idiot (much the way I did to my parents when they couldn't figure out how to leave an outgoing message on the answering machine).  And I have no problem with this.  I actually LOVE to set Lila up in front of my laptop and let her poke around the Nick Jr or Sprout online websites.  It gives me time to think without having to entertain her and aside from the occasional random "look what I did!", she leaves me alone!  She can't spell so I know she can't go far and we have talked about the buttons she can click and the ones she cannot.

But as of Friday, I no longer have a laptop.  And do you want to know why?

Because NickJr.com is fucking evil.



I bet this lady works at NickJr.com.

 The first time my computer burned out, Lila was playing on NickJr.com and started crying because it wouldn't load and then the screen went black.  It turned out that the hard drive needed to be replaced.  Luckily, Ben's uncle hoards computer parts and I only had to wait for about 2 months for him to get around to replacing the hard drive for me at no cost.  At that time, I just chalked it up to a shitty hard drive and moved on.  That was roughly 3 months ago.  And here I am again, working on Ben's shitty, 10 year old, extremely SLLLLOOOOWWW (it took me a full minute to see that last word show up) computer because my computer has gone black again.

And what the hell was going on when it fizzled out?  Lila was playing on motherfucking NickJe.com again.

I was in the same room.  I was checking on her.  And the volume was on so I know for a fact that she was just playing some stupid Dora Dress Up game.   She was not doing anything weird and suddenly the screen went all wacky.  And when I tried to restart it, it stayed wacky.

This little bitch is out to
destroy my blog!

So...needless to say, that is why I am not visiting and commenting and posting and being my usual web-addicted self.  I get really depressed when I can't blog and obsessively check my Facebook for interactions because I live in my imaginary online world and this is seriously adding stress to an already precarious situation.

I have no idea what I am going to do about this as I don't have the cash to fix it and I certainly can't afford to buy a new one. 

I fear that my head is going to explode because I have no outlet for the dumb shit that happens throughout my (truly lame) days.

I think I should just send the bill to NickJr.com.  Anyone have an address? 

Yeah...I feel like that. 

(all these images are from random google search. Not mine.  Just FYI)

I watch WAY too much TV.

I know that I complain a lot about commercials, but there is a Toyota commercial out there with a pain in the ass kid who looks right into the camera and tells me, "Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you have to be lame."  And I beg to differ...


Because, you see smart-ass kid, the thing I am learning is that although you do not HAVE to be LAME, very often you END UP being LAME because your asshole kids suck the very life force out of you that would allow you to be un-LAME. 



Now take off those headphones before I smack them off your head!

Before I had Lila, I cared about things like fashion and hairstyling and sexy bras.  I used to drink sexy drinks and make out with strangers in clubs (this also being before Lila's dad).  I used to want a cool little sports car or maybe I'd be a hot chick in a big pick-up truck.  Maybe I'd get a motorcycle or a Vespa and ride with my hair blowing out from under my helmet.  I used to shave my legs more than once a month and sometimes even got waxed.  I used to subscribe (YES. I COMMITTED) to fashion magazines and go out to the movies on opening nights.

Now I worry about vaccinations, head lice and processed foods.  I mostly drink coffee because it keeps me from sleeping at my desk at work and the only strangers I talk to now are those annoying tech support people in India, who I can't understand.  I have a used Toyota Camry that is so full of filthy sippee cups and fast food wrappers that I am ashamed when I get pulled over.  I haven't shaved my legs since Labor Day and haven't even bothered to have my hair trimmed because it's just easier to put it in a pony tail.  The only magazines I read are Cooking Light and Parents.  I haven't seen a new movie IN A REGULAR FULL-PRICE THEATER since Lila was born.

And WHY are these things so?  Is it because I HAVE to be this lame?  Did I wake up today and think, "Shit, I'd really LOVE to fly off to the South of France, but that would be totally anti-lame so I cannot do it,"?  No.  No I did not.  Instead, it is simply because being Lila's mother takes a tremendous amount of time, mental energy and mostly, MONEY. 

I cannot buy un-lame new clothes when I have to buy Lila school clothes.  And then a month later when I think I will have some extra cash to get myself a new sweater or something because it's freezing at work, it turns out Lila has grown out of all 6 pairs of her brand-new pants (which were a size big when I bought them) in the span of 4 weeks, so now I have to go get her some that don't look like capris because the snow is about to fly.  This is why SNL made that skit about MOM Jeans where they say "I'm not a woman anymore.  I'm a MOM."  Because it's fucking true!

(Here's the Mom Jeans video)

I cannot take half an hour in the morning to properly apply eye make-up because Lila will decide that there is ONE perfect moment to try to fly off the top of the couch with her fairy wings, and that moment is when I have my eyelashes squeezed in an eyelash curler. 

I could go on and on about all the things that make me lame and all the reasons why BEING A PARENT is the thing that made me this way, but I won't. 

And as far as the Toyota Van or Highlander making me "un-LAME" and having my kid be embarrassed by the car I drive as suggested in those fucking ads, I have this to say:

"FEEL FREE TO WALK, ASSHOLE." 
That's what my parents told me when they pulled up to school in their rusted out AMC Eagle and I asked them to PLEASE park down the street.  And I will tell Lila the exact same thing.


Theirs was not this nice.  And once the
muffler fell off it was also extremely LOUD.

Someday, my kid will be a teenager.  I am sure that no matter what I do she will be appalled.  She will constantly tell me that I ruined her life and that I am totally embarrassing her.  And I look forward to doing all the lamest things in the world to make her life hell when the time comes.  But I don't need to preview that with someone else's asshole pre-pubescent kid telling me how shitty and lame I am now.  Toyota needs to work a little harder on their image as a maker of shitty unsafe cars and work a little less on trying to show how UN LAME they are.

TO THE ASSHOLES WHO MAKE AND MARKET PILLOW PETS:

First off, let me say thanks. My kid has found a little security object that helps her when she wakes up in the middle of the night so I don't have to get out of bed 42 times in the dark. She truly loves your product and it makes me happy she has it.Now the REAL reason I am writing this:


I BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR ADVERTISEMENTS DURING EVERY CHILDREN'S TELEVISION SHOW ARE PURE EVIL.

Lila saw a commercial for Pillow Pets about 3 months ago and screamed like...well...like a little girl. She desperately wanted the ladybug and would fall all over me begging for it every time she thought about it (which was more or less constantly). Luckily, they were one of those things you had to call a toll free number to get so I could explain that that was the number to call Santa to tell him you wanted it for Christmas. It's impossible to get one before then.

Then you assholes put them in every store on the planet. I found this out when my mother (who literally CANNOT say no to Lila when she cries) brought Lila home with a bumble bee that she saw at Wal-Mart. Lila was ecstatic that Wal-Mart had them at all and said that she would gladly wait for Santa to bring her the ladybug because Wal-Mart doesn't sell them. Lila was genuinely happy to have this item and she thanked her Grandma over and over and over. I actually, for once felt that maybe this was a good thing. As much as I hate the idea of her being spoiled, this one particular item was not like the others. She was still thrilled with it after 4 hours unlike every other toy she sees on TV, which usually lose it's luster as soon as it comes out of the box.

Three days later, Lila and I are walking through the Band-Aid aisle at the drug store, and lo and behold! There is a big cardboard display FILLED with Pillow Pets. Why is the drug store selling a $20 fad-ish kids item next to the hemorrhoidal ointment and antacid tablets? Lila screamed, grabbed all 4 ladybugs and threw herself on the floor and rolled around on them. Embarrassed because my kid looked like she was making fun of people with seizure disorders, I grabbed her up and told her we had to get out of the store before it started to rain (one of many lame excuses I use to get her to move it).
"THEY HAVE MY LADYBUGS!!!!" Lila was squealing and stuffing her face into it. "Mommy doesn't have the money for that right now (and I didn't. I brought a $10 bill with me into the store). The tears were worse than I ever would have imagined. She cried for almost an hour. We got home and I showed her the bumble bee and although she hugged it, it did little to console her. After calling my mother about this dilemma, my mother told me to tell Lila there would be one waiting for her at Grandma's house tomorrow.

This infuriated me but at least it wasn't ME giving in.

She got her ladybug and all was well. She slept with both of them and insisted on taking them everywhere with her (yes, both of them).

Then, the following weekend, we were in Target to get some blinds for our new house. We turned down the wide aisle to the housewares and immediately Lila started crying. A few rows down, on an end display were the beloved Pillow Pets. And two little girls were hugging them and fondling them and throwing them up in the air. Lila lost her shit.

"They're playing with MY UNICORN!!!" She was basically hysterical and since she refuses to ride in the cart she fell to the floor and screamed and cried. I did my best to get her up and explain to her that they belong to Target and technically were in no way "HERS" but she wouldn't stop. She finally stopped crying long enough to walk over to the girls (who were much older and bigger than her) and snatch the unicorn out of one of their hands. Apologizing, I grabbed it from her and gave it back but the battle was on. Needless to say, we DID NOT get blinds that day. And I did not tell my mother about that event.

Seriously, is it too much to ask that your commercials not have mind control messages embedded in them that only children under 9 can decipher? Is it too much to ask that the hottest new toy be confined to the "hot new toys" area in a given store? Or that a store that is better known for it's feminine protection aisle than any cool trendy items WARN ME that my kid may freak out when I get to the end of the feminine care aisle?

Fucking Pillow Pets.

That little BITCH!!!

My three year old is a little bitch.  I am not saying this to be funny.  This is not something I am proud of.  But she is. 

I have noticed her talking back and demanding things for some time now.  For the most part, I stay calm and basically explain that 1) There is NO WAY I am going to give her what she wants if she is going to be a brat about it, and 2) Just because she decides to ask again, with the sad eyes and a whiney voice and gives me a great big "PLEEEEEEEEASE" doesn't mean she will get what she wants.  This method is not working. 

Lila is turning into a total bitch.  When I am driving somewhere she wants to go and I (God Forbid) stop at a red light, she sees it as her place to yell "GO MOMMY!" at the top of her lungs, as if I am just trying to keep her from having a good time.  Time after time I turn around and tell her "I am the driver.  I am the Mommy.  I decide when to go."  This method is not working.

I (half) jokingly told her father that she was getting to that age where I should strap her to the couch and play Mommie Dearest for her so she could see what happens when mommies are pushed to their emotional limits and they think their kids are ingrateful little brats. (Of course, I realize that this is not the intended moral of the movie, but in light of the fact that time-outs are a joke and she doesn't care when I take things away or with -hold treats, I think it may work as an effective tool in scaring the sass out of my kid).


Yesterday we went to Wal-Mart (I will not digress into how much I hate Wal-Mart and everything it stands for and everyone in it) and we were trying to hurry.  First there was the hissy fit when I said we couldn't buy a $40 Play-Doh set.  Then there was the refusing to hold my hand and running off.  Then there was the refusal to leave.  I kept cool.  There was NO WAY I was going to be that trashy mother yelling at her kid in the shampoo aisle at the Wal Mart.  When we finally got out to the car, she insisted on climbing into her car seat herself.  And I thought, "she's three...she needs to feel like she can do it herself," even though I was in a hurry to get to the bank before it closed.  She got into the seat and I started to buckle her in and she said, "I wanna do it."  "No baby," I replied.  This is pretty hard to do and I just want to get out of here, okay?"  The response she gave me took me off guard at first:

"I WILL DO IT NOW MOMMY!!!"

I felt the surging desire to slap her little mouth like my mother would do when I got overly sassy.  I wanted to...I really, for about half a second thought that it would be the best thing I could do...Maybe it was just the fact that I was in the Wal Mart parking lot, but I felt like swearing at her at the top of my lungs and slapping her.

But I didn't.  I put my hands on both sides of her face so she was looking right at me and said, as lovingly as I could at that moment, "If you talk to me like that again, I will slap your little sassy mouth."  Perhaps threatening isn't much better than the actual thing, but she sure was quiet on the ride home.  I almost think that THIS method may have worked. 

For the record, I have never hit her.  Never spanked or slapped or grabbed her roughly by the arm (or ear).  I have a good handle on my temper and I know I would never forgive myself.  But there are times when I can see myself doing it, in my mind, clear as day, and I wonder if perhaps spanking couldn't work on certain types of kids (the crazy ones).   Because as much as I want Lila to be an independent and happy kid, I want her to be respectful and polite just as much.  Not just because it makes ME insane, but because she needs to know that you have to be courteous and nice to function in a society with other people.

If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that she probably gets the attitude from me.  I raise my voice a lot.  And I find myself saying those dreaded words that every parent swears they will never say: 

"Because I'm the MOMMY, that's why."

And for now, that's the only thing that kid needs to understand.  Because being a super bitch in our house is MY job.

Stupid Paper Plates

Whoever came up with the Zoo Pals commercial jingle should be stabbed and then set on fire.  It may sound a little extreme, but I mean it.

If you are not familiar with Zoo Pals, watch this:
Zoo Pals Commercial

Because my kid watches more tv than any 3-year-old really should (mostly because she doesn't let me out of her sight unless she is enjoying one of her favorite shows), she sees this commercial during every kids show she watches. Then she yells for me to rewind it over and over and over so that she can sing along to it.  Then she spends the rest of the day either singing the song or begging me to get her Zoo Pals plates.

We went to the grocery store yesterday and somehow she spotted them from the other end of the aisle.  I was ready to give in and buy them until I saw them.  They are paper plates that come in a pack of 20 for $3.99.  They are not plastic, nor are they stiff styrofoam plates.  They are PAPER plates.  Sitting next to the stack of Zoo Pals plates was a giant pack of regular paper plates that stated on the package in giant lettering, "200 for $1.99!!!  WOW!!!!"  I said NO. 

Now Lila is refusing to use ANY of the plates we have in the house explaining that "THIS PLATE does not make eating fun."  I will likely give in and just buy the stupid plates.  But every day I send telepathic messages of scorn at those fucking advertising bastards.