Before I was a mom, I was really judgmental of parents everywhere. I was never one of the types who just LOVED kids and in fact I was more the type that thought they were all assholes. So when I would see parents out in public doing certain things or hear about certain trends in childcare, I would rant about how shitty the parents must be and how MY CHILD WOULD NEVER NEED ANY OF THOSE THINGS. And now I TOTALLY get why these things exist:
1. The shopping cart with the car thing.
2. Baby Leashes
3. Backseat DVD players
4. 24 hour childrens' networks
5. Lunchables
6. Time Outs
7. "Inside Voice Please" and 'Use your words."
8. Barney (or Doodlebops or Backyardigans) CDs
9. Noisy toys
10. Martinis during naptime.
Sorry for all the times I was an asshole. I just didn't get it.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
And here is what apparently makes me a terrible person...
I am back to work part time. It's a shit job but it gets me out of the house and puts spending money in my pocket.
You would think that after a full day at work that I would be excited to see Lila and that perhaps she would be happy to spend some time with me. But that is not the case. Today I went to pick her up thinking that since Grandma had taken her "shop for toys" that it would be an easy later afternoon until Daddy got home.
I was SOOOO wrong. Lila started in on me immediately. Not with the excited frenzy of someone happy to see you, but with the kind of psychotic energy that I usually reserved for ex boyfriends that I stalked when I was 20. "Mama...Mommy...mama...MAMA...MOMMY...MOMMY....MAMA!!!!!!"
"Mommy needs a minute" but no 2-year old understands that. On the way home she had a near nervous breakdown because her toy fell on the floor and I couldn't reach it. Once home she decided that she wanted to take a walk with "mommy 'round a block". I usually enjoy that because it kills a bit of her energy and she is usually (USUALLY) really good. But for some reason she decided today that what she really wanted to do was wait until we were at the exact farthest spot from home and sit down. She wasn't tired...she didnt want to be carried. She wanted to sit down and sit. Normally, I see this whole "stop and smell the roses" thing as cute, but I had a backpack full of library books that I wanted to drop off so I told her we had to go (NOW!), to which she proceeded to pound her little forehead on the pavement. Yeah, I stopped her but she kicked and screamed because now I was holding her and I managed to carry her home. No one tells you how fucking heavy a 2 year old can be.
What I wanted to do was take a break when daddy came home. Hell, thats all I ever want. But Daddy is now picking up side work so that we can save for a down payment on a house and I am not allowed a break from her when he comes home from a 12 hour day and I "technically" only put in a 5 hour shift at work. Because my "OTHER" job doesn't count. I dont get lunch breaks or time off. I don't get paid. So it isn't a job. I am supposed to cherish my time with Lila, even when she is a monster. Chasing her around and keeping her from killing herself and keeping myself from killing her (figuratively, of course [?]) does not count as a "shift". And I am some kind of asshole for wanting to be left alone for half an hour.
I have had all my friends tell me it would get better. They lied. And she STILL doesnt sleep through most nights.
You would think that after a full day at work that I would be excited to see Lila and that perhaps she would be happy to spend some time with me. But that is not the case. Today I went to pick her up thinking that since Grandma had taken her "shop for toys" that it would be an easy later afternoon until Daddy got home.
I was SOOOO wrong. Lila started in on me immediately. Not with the excited frenzy of someone happy to see you, but with the kind of psychotic energy that I usually reserved for ex boyfriends that I stalked when I was 20. "Mama...Mommy...mama...MAMA...MOMMY...MOMMY....MAMA!!!!!!"
"Mommy needs a minute" but no 2-year old understands that. On the way home she had a near nervous breakdown because her toy fell on the floor and I couldn't reach it. Once home she decided that she wanted to take a walk with "mommy 'round a block". I usually enjoy that because it kills a bit of her energy and she is usually (USUALLY) really good. But for some reason she decided today that what she really wanted to do was wait until we were at the exact farthest spot from home and sit down. She wasn't tired...she didnt want to be carried. She wanted to sit down and sit. Normally, I see this whole "stop and smell the roses" thing as cute, but I had a backpack full of library books that I wanted to drop off so I told her we had to go (NOW!), to which she proceeded to pound her little forehead on the pavement. Yeah, I stopped her but she kicked and screamed because now I was holding her and I managed to carry her home. No one tells you how fucking heavy a 2 year old can be.
What I wanted to do was take a break when daddy came home. Hell, thats all I ever want. But Daddy is now picking up side work so that we can save for a down payment on a house and I am not allowed a break from her when he comes home from a 12 hour day and I "technically" only put in a 5 hour shift at work. Because my "OTHER" job doesn't count. I dont get lunch breaks or time off. I don't get paid. So it isn't a job. I am supposed to cherish my time with Lila, even when she is a monster. Chasing her around and keeping her from killing herself and keeping myself from killing her (figuratively, of course [?]) does not count as a "shift". And I am some kind of asshole for wanting to be left alone for half an hour.
I have had all my friends tell me it would get better. They lied. And she STILL doesnt sleep through most nights.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Things I don't want to admit but I have to.
1. I often lie and tell Ben that I have really bad stomach cramps so that I can go and sit in the bathroom alone for 20 minutes by myself. At least half of that time, Lila is pounding at the door. I do not feel guilty when Ben tells her to leave me alone because "Mommy's tummy hurts".
2. I put my kid in front of the tv a lot. Breakfast time...It's Calliou time. Lunch time...It's Yo Gabba Gabba time. It's the only way to keep her mellow enough so that she will eat and leave me alone to do quick productive things.
3. I enjoy some of the kids shows that all parents are supposed to hate. Yo Gabba Gabba is fun. The Doodlebops kind of Rock. Thomas the Tank Engine is awesome because it is often narrated by either Alec Baldwin or George Carlin, who may be the two least likely people on earth to narrate a kids show.
4. The only songs I listen to in my own car cheesy kids songs. From "Twinkle Twinkle" to "the Little Teapot" song, I am no longer allowed to listen to real, grown-up music.
5. I totally get it now. I was always super judgemental toward parents when I was still just me. I always thought that leashes and in-car DVD players and Gymboree classes were for losers who just didn't want to really deal with their kids. I have longed for all three in the last 2 hours.
2. I put my kid in front of the tv a lot. Breakfast time...It's Calliou time. Lunch time...It's Yo Gabba Gabba time. It's the only way to keep her mellow enough so that she will eat and leave me alone to do quick productive things.
3. I enjoy some of the kids shows that all parents are supposed to hate. Yo Gabba Gabba is fun. The Doodlebops kind of Rock. Thomas the Tank Engine is awesome because it is often narrated by either Alec Baldwin or George Carlin, who may be the two least likely people on earth to narrate a kids show.
4. The only songs I listen to in my own car cheesy kids songs. From "Twinkle Twinkle" to "the Little Teapot" song, I am no longer allowed to listen to real, grown-up music.
5. I totally get it now. I was always super judgemental toward parents when I was still just me. I always thought that leashes and in-car DVD players and Gymboree classes were for losers who just didn't want to really deal with their kids. I have longed for all three in the last 2 hours.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Why you spell things in front of little ones.
Lila is a blabbermouth. She isn't 2 yet and she counts to 20 and pretty much repeats everything she hears. You'll appreciate this...
I have the book "Worse than Watergate" which has a nice photo of Bush and Cheney on the cover. Like 6 months ago, Lila pointed to it and said "whats that" and I said "Douchebags". She walked around saying douchebags for like 10 minutes then dropped it. I learned not to say that again.
Well, like last week she pulls the book off the shelf and gets all excited and yells "DOUCHEBAG BOOK!!!!"
Sometimes I am so proud of her.
Friday, April 10, 2009
The MOST RELUCTANT MOTHER IN THE WORLD?
March 3, 2009
I really don't want to admit this. I LOVE working 40 plus hours a week. I go to work and talk to grown ups all day and accomplish things and am often asked to stay late and work on extra projects. And I love it. Lila spends long days with Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy picks her up after work and often they stop by to see me for a few minutes on the way home and I really enjoy these visits because she is happy to see me and I was "just starting to miss her".
When I come home, she is happy to see me and I am thrilled when she runs to the door and begs to be picked up and hugged. I spend my couple of hours making and eating dinner with her and Dad, then one of us gives her a bath and I usually put her to bed. I love bedtime. She doesn't often fight me, and when she does it is usually our first fight of the day so I have plenty of patience with her and eventually she goes down to bed and I get Mommy and Daddy time.
There have been days where Lila is teething or is going through a "No" phase where I actually ask my boss if I can stay at work late. And I am always totally honest about it, saying, "I really don't want to go home to my kid today." The other day, he shook his head and called me "The Most Reluctant Mother " he has ever met. But am I really so bad?
I went through this whole ordeal where I cried alot and felt bad for telling everyone how much mothering is not for me. Mostly, I only felt bad because of the reactions I got. But many of my friends agree that motherhood is the worst job one can take on. But they always seem to need to qualify it with "OH I JUST LOOOOVVVE MY KIDS, BUT..." I don't do that anymore.
The fact that I come home to her and hug her and cuddle her is my testament to my devotion to her. I love Lila. I know I do. And when Lila needs anything I am the first one to find a way to provide it. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her and that includes making the decision to stay at home with her full time when I know that it makes me an all-around better person to have a life away from her. I have never been guilty of abuse in any of its forms and when I have time off, the time I spend with her isn't spent bored and sitting in front of the tv trying to get the hours to pass. We enjoy eachother more in small doses.
It still makes me cringe when I hear women say that motherhood is the best job in the world because I disagree. The best jobs in the world aren't only the ones where you get a sense of meaning and accomplishment. If it were that simple we would all be living our dreams. The BEST JOBS IN THE WORLD pay well, provide incredible health insurance and match your retirement savings. You get to work in a climate controlled (or outside if that's what you are into) environment and have tons of flexibility as to how you spend your days. They PAY YOU to take vacations and days off. In addition to these things, you work with people who are more or less agreeable and rational and you get to use your talents daily. Motherhood hardly fits that bill.
The upside to motherhood? Lila brings me so much joy that it makes me sick. Seriously. I sometimes feel nauseated thinking about her cuteness and the other day when she started clapping to Joan Jett's "I Love Rock and Roll" and bobbing her head up and down to the drums, I nearly squeezed her to death. She is so smart and sassy that a mother has to be proud. As long as that sassiness isn't directed at me 24/7.
I will continue to defend my position that being away from Lila during the day actually contributes to my ability to be a good mother. Because no matter what I am doing, I love her.
I really don't want to admit this. I LOVE working 40 plus hours a week. I go to work and talk to grown ups all day and accomplish things and am often asked to stay late and work on extra projects. And I love it. Lila spends long days with Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy picks her up after work and often they stop by to see me for a few minutes on the way home and I really enjoy these visits because she is happy to see me and I was "just starting to miss her".
When I come home, she is happy to see me and I am thrilled when she runs to the door and begs to be picked up and hugged. I spend my couple of hours making and eating dinner with her and Dad, then one of us gives her a bath and I usually put her to bed. I love bedtime. She doesn't often fight me, and when she does it is usually our first fight of the day so I have plenty of patience with her and eventually she goes down to bed and I get Mommy and Daddy time.
There have been days where Lila is teething or is going through a "No" phase where I actually ask my boss if I can stay at work late. And I am always totally honest about it, saying, "I really don't want to go home to my kid today." The other day, he shook his head and called me "The Most Reluctant Mother " he has ever met. But am I really so bad?
I went through this whole ordeal where I cried alot and felt bad for telling everyone how much mothering is not for me. Mostly, I only felt bad because of the reactions I got. But many of my friends agree that motherhood is the worst job one can take on. But they always seem to need to qualify it with "OH I JUST LOOOOVVVE MY KIDS, BUT..." I don't do that anymore.
The fact that I come home to her and hug her and cuddle her is my testament to my devotion to her. I love Lila. I know I do. And when Lila needs anything I am the first one to find a way to provide it. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her and that includes making the decision to stay at home with her full time when I know that it makes me an all-around better person to have a life away from her. I have never been guilty of abuse in any of its forms and when I have time off, the time I spend with her isn't spent bored and sitting in front of the tv trying to get the hours to pass. We enjoy eachother more in small doses.
It still makes me cringe when I hear women say that motherhood is the best job in the world because I disagree. The best jobs in the world aren't only the ones where you get a sense of meaning and accomplishment. If it were that simple we would all be living our dreams. The BEST JOBS IN THE WORLD pay well, provide incredible health insurance and match your retirement savings. You get to work in a climate controlled (or outside if that's what you are into) environment and have tons of flexibility as to how you spend your days. They PAY YOU to take vacations and days off. In addition to these things, you work with people who are more or less agreeable and rational and you get to use your talents daily. Motherhood hardly fits that bill.
The upside to motherhood? Lila brings me so much joy that it makes me sick. Seriously. I sometimes feel nauseated thinking about her cuteness and the other day when she started clapping to Joan Jett's "I Love Rock and Roll" and bobbing her head up and down to the drums, I nearly squeezed her to death. She is so smart and sassy that a mother has to be proud. As long as that sassiness isn't directed at me 24/7.
I will continue to defend my position that being away from Lila during the day actually contributes to my ability to be a good mother. Because no matter what I am doing, I love her.
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