Monday Meme - 20 Questions

1. Do you have any regrets?

Only one. I regret the way I treated Lila's dad while we were together.  I was kind of shitty a lot of the time.

2. Do you have a deep, dark secret?

Not really.  I have always been pretty open.

3. Have you ever hurt someone?

Yes, who hasn't. 

4. Have you ever self-harmed?

When I was a teenager I carved a guy's name into my arm. I can still see it. "Tom".  I was such a lunatic.  Lol.

5. How would you like to be remembered?

I would be happy if I WAS remembered.

6. Who are the three most important people in your life?

Probably my daughter and my mother.

7. Was there one event that changed your life and the way you think? 

Splitting up with Lila's dad changed me permanently in so many ways.  I have no idea why.  It was a mutual breakup but it really has affected me and my entire outlook on life.

8. Would you sacrifice everything for love?

Probably not.  I would sacrifice everything for my kid though.

9. Are you afraid of dying?

I am afraid of dying with things left undone.

10. Have you ever been abused?

Remember "Tom" from the self injuring above?  He was abusive.

11. Have you ever been in love?

A couple of times.  It may be overrated.

12. Are you happy with who you are?

I am kind of in a transitional phase that I don't know how to get out of.  This is not where I want to be.

13. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else’s?

Only my kid.

14. Have you changed at all in the last year?

In the last year, not so much.  But in the last two years-more than any one should.

15. Would you ever settle for someone you didn’t feel was “the one”?

I don't know that I believe in "the one"  I believe you choose someone and decide to make it work.

16. Is there someone you can tell everything to without fear of judgment?

No.  Isn't that kind of sad?

17. Are you pursuing your dreams?

I am working on figuring out what my dreams are at this point in my life.

18. Do actions speak louder than words?

Yes, always.

19. Is there something you would never do?

There are a lot of things I would never do.  Skydiving, bungee jumping, roller coasters.  I am the opposite of an adrenaline junkie.

20. What makes you uncomfortable?

Public displays of affection.

Not sure when this happened.

I don't know what I did wrong.  I thought I did everything right.  I started reading to her when she was about 6 weeks old-long before she could possibly understand what I was saying to her.  I read to her every night.  I took her to storytimes.  First in Arizona when she wasn't even big enough to crawl around and later to the toddler and then preschooler story times at the local library.  I have purchased over a hundred books for her.  First those sturdy little board books, later those expensive picture books and most recently chapter books.  I thought I did everything right.

How is it then, that my kid is not a reader? 

Lila does not like to read.  Up until a few months ago we did story time every night at bed time and I thought she would carry on that habit when she became old enough to read on her own.  But she hasn't.  She has traded in those last 20 or so minutes before it's lights out time for an extra 20 minutes of TV time.  Most nights it's not even something she wants to watch.  I will have Seinfeld on and that's perfectly ok with her. 

How could this have happened?  I worked at the freakin' library for 4 years of her life for Christ's sake! She always sees me with a book in my hand and I often read while she does her homework or plays after dinner. And yet those fill in lists the teacher sends home to chronicle the books she reads remain empty and sitting there piling up on her night stand. 

Last night I told her we were going to start a new nightly tradition.  I thought that if I made it sound special that she might be on board.  I told her that 15 minutes before bed time we were going to turn the TV off and we were each going to get a book and read together on the couch instead of watching TV.  She reacted as if I told her that I was going to strip her naked and pelt her with a bb gun.  She actually cried about it. 

How could this daughter of mine hate reading so much that it causes her to cry about spending just 15 minutes a day reading?  And remember, I only have her half of the week so it's not like it's even 15 minutes EVERY day! 

I worry that this is a first of many.  Up until now, she has happily and naively wanted to be just like me.  She wants to carry a purse because I carry a purse.  She wants to put on makeup with me because I am doing it.  She wants her hair to grow longer because I have let my hair grow out.  But here begins that divergence from her happy little parallel road.  Now she doesn't love reading just because I have made it clear that books are one of my favorite things.  I am still a little in shock.

I mean, I did everything right! We make monthly trips to the bookstore and she always pick something out but those books never seem to be read.  They are piling up on her bookshelf and collecting dust.

I dread the painful season of summer reading when she has to read like 6 books over a few months.  How am I going to force her to sit quietly and push through titles she doesn't like when she won't even spend 15 minutes a day reading a book she picked out? 

Anyone else have a kid who hates to read?

Feeling lazy today.

Because I don't have an idea for a fresh blog today, I am going to share Sunday Stealing with you today. 

Today is the Threes Meme.

1. Three things that scare me: 

Depression, Unsolved Mysteries (the TV show-thanks Mom) and my student loan debt.

 2. Three people who make me laugh: 

My kid, Jim Gaffigan, and Chris Rock.

3. Three things I love: 

My kid, naps, lasagna

4. Three things I hate: 

loneliness, my shitty inner critic, getting stuck at train crossings.

5. Three things I don't understand: 

Japanese, the stock market, my kid's dramatic antics

6. Three things on my desk: 

Coffee, calendar, computer

7. Three things I'm doing right now: 

Thinking, typing, answering phones.

8. Three things I want to do before I die: 

Visit Italy, get published, become super-mom

9. Three things I can do: 

whistle, tree pose, write

10. Three things I can't do: 

sing, dance, walk in really high heels

11. Three things you should listen to: 

Your mother, me, that voice in your head that tells you to go for it.

12. Three things you should never listen to: 

That other voice in your head, a kids whining, politicians

13. Three things I'd like to learn: 

Mandarin Chinese, how to paint, how to knit

14. Three favorite foods: 

Lasagna, Chicken Parm, my mom's spaghetti sauce

15. Three beverages I drink regularly: 

Coffee, water, chocolate milkshakes

16. Three shows I watched as a kid:

Scooby Doo, Justice League, Josie and the Pussycats

Free Range Parenting or Child Neglect?

You no doubt have heard about the couple in Maryland who let their children, 10 and 6 years old, walk a mile home alone and had CPS and the police called on them.  Well on Monday the state weighed in on their case.  They are charged with "unsubstantiated child neglect".  They don't appear to be receiving any kind of sentence for this charge but it is something that stays on file with them at CPS. 

Am I the only one who thinks that this is bullshit?  I'm not what you would consider a "free-range parent by any means, but in my opinion a 10 year old is perfectly capable of walking home alone.  He is even more capable of walking home in the company of another kid. When I was a kid, I walked home from school with other kids my age starting at around 8. In fact up until I was 8, I walked home with my slightly older school mates who were about 10 or 11.  And the thing is that kids aren't in any more danger now than they were when I was a kid.  In fact there are studies that show that things like random kidnapping are down since the early 80's when I made the 8 block trek home unsupervised. 

What the hell is wrong with us nowadays where we think that the world is such a dangerous place that it is considered child neglect to let a 10 year old walk home with his little sibling?  If 10 is too young, then what is the proper age?  12?  15?  18?  By the time I was 10, I was free to ride my bike with my little friends all over the neighborhood unsupervised and wasn't allowed to come home until dinner time.  My parents had no idea where I was for most of the day and they never worried that they were being neglectful because at 10 I was mature enough to know to look both ways when crossing the streets and not to get into a van with a guy offering me candy.

I think that this is just ridiculous.  I refuse to be one of those parents who is paranoid every time that my kid walks out the front door that she is going to be in danger of being kidnapped or run down by a crazy driver.  My kid is allowed to go outside to play alone.  She has a little friend down the street and when she walks down to her house I don't feel the need to watch her.  She will get there just fine.  And when they ride their bikes on the street I don't worry that a car is going to come and snatch her up because that would be crazy.  She would never get fresh air if I worried like that.  But with this attitude prevalent among parents and apparently officials, it's no wonder kids don't play outside anymore. Our kids need more sunshine and exercise, not leashes and helicopter parenting. 

If you want to read the article that got me going, it is here at slate.com.

What it's like to split custody

I am missing out on half of Lila's life.  Yup.  Exactly half.  All because her father and I split up. 

For half of every week she is with me.  On those days we talk about her day, eat some dinner, cuddle and watch TV.  And on my Saturdays we try to get out to do something fun. 

But the other half of the week, she is with him. And there is no bedtime, no cuddle time, no bath to be given. 

On those days I miss out.

I missed her losing 2 of the 3 teeth that she has lost.  The Tooth Fairy going to another house, not mine.

I missed her learning to ride her bike.  She did it while playing outside on another street, not mine.

I miss out on a lot of little jokes and funny stories and small victories.

I miss her so much when she isn't here.

Every night when she is with him she calls me to say goodnight.  And on my nights she calls him.  The days of crying because she misses one or the other of us is over, thank God, but I know that she always has that emptiness.  She would rather have us both there in the middle of the night when she is scared or sick or just can't sleep. 

I do not regret the splitting anymore.  Although for a while I didn't know if I would survive it.  When she would cry for him or when she would call me crying I would want to fix it all.  To glue our broken family back together, to make her heart stop hurting.

And although I miss her like crazy when she isn't there, part of me is starting to adjust.  I mean, it's only been 2 years. 

I am a single parent when she is with me.  I am a bachelorette the rest of the week.  I still have a hard time with this transformation. I am starting to adjust and am finally beginning to find something to do during all this extra "me time" that I have.  But I don't feel lucky to have it.  Not yet.  Not when there is a hole in my heart during that time.

Being without her so much makes the time that I do have with her more valuable.  I try not to yell as much.  I try to do fun things when I can.  We go out to eat  a lot.  We have had to put quality over quantity.  This is something I think a lot of full time moms take for granted.

And even though I am only with her part of the time, she is still on my mind all of the time.  I still put her needs first.  I am still the one who makes the doctors appointments and signs all the school paperwork.  I am still always mom.

Catholic Guilt

As many of you know, Lila goes to a Catholic school.  We made that decision basically because I went to Catholic school and the public school option for where we lived was not a very good one academically.  Well this year (2nd grade) Lila is making her first communion.  Along with that, she has to make her first penance (or confession for those of you not hip to the Catholic lingo).  So for 14 weeks, every Sunday, she has to go to classes to learn about making her first penance and communion.  One of the requirements is that she go to mass every Sunday during this time.  This means that every Sunday, I have to go to mass during this time.

I am not what you would call a practicing Catholic.  Honestly, I don't think I believe in God at all.  So taking her to mass every Sunday is kind of a stretch for me.  Part of me loves the pageantry of it.  I love the big open church, the stained glass windows, the priest supposedly turning a cracker into the body of Christ.  It reminds me of childhood days spent going to church with my class during the school day.  But I spend a lot of my time in church sitting there wondering how anyone really believes this stuff.  And then the Catholic guilt kicks in and I find that I feel somewhat lost in that I don't have a set of beliefs to get me through those tougher times.

Lila, as far as I can tell, believes in God and Jesus and the Virgin Mary and all of that.  But honestly it isn't something we ever talk about.  It just never comes up.  Even with her making her first communion and having to go to classes on Sundays, she has never once come to me to discuss anything that she is learning about religiously.  So I have no idea if she knows what the 10 commandments are or if she feels that she is a sinner. 

I remember being very upset to learn that we are all born with original sin on our souls.  That we are marked as sinners before we even learn to speak.  This is one of the beliefs of the church that I have a real problem with.  My daughter doesn't know enough to sin.  I really have no idea what she is going to tell the priest when she goes into that little box for the first time.  I imagine that she will tell him that she got sassy with me once or twice or that she told a little lie.  I think she may do what I did and make some stuff up just to have something to talk about while she is in there. 

I often feel that I am supposed to be bringing up God and Jesus to her.  Like there are times when I could use them to my advantage.  Just like the Elf on the Shelf, I could threaten her with "God is watching you" when she misbehaves and perhaps that would make her stop whatever annoying behavior she is doing at that time.  But I don't believe in God enough to threaten her with him. 

I just read an article over at Bluntmoms.com (you can read it here) where the writer confesses to being a closet atheist and that was what got me thinking about my beliefs.  I just don't know what I believe.  I don't know that I ever really did believe everything that they taught me in Catholic school.  I think I always doubted.  I always asked questions about the validity of the Bible and the possibilities of redemption.  I was no doubt influenced by my parents' lax attitude toward the church and their lack of faith. 

I just hope that Lila believes something.  Because I envy people who have that faith that can carry them through tough times.  I wish I had something like that.  Some belief in a higher power that makes sense of the awfulness that happens in life.  I honestly hope that she feels some sense of connection to God so that she has the benefit of faith in her heart and for her soul.

School troubles

I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been absent for nearly a year.  I am going to address that by explaining that I have had computer problems and been busy with a full time job. 

But what I want to talk to you about today is school troubles.  Particularly little girl problems.  More specifically mean girl behavior aimed straight at my kid.

Lila is in 2nd grade now (I know, right?).  She likes school.  She does well and her teacher has told me that she is a pleasure to have in class.  Her teacher also told me that she is always willing to lend a helping hand or offer a hug to her classmates  She said that Lila doesn't seem to have time for all the little girl drama that goes on in the class and because of this Lila tends to be a little bit of a loner.

But lately Lila has been saying things that break my heart.  She told me that one of the little girls, who we will simply call A, has been being mean to her.  She says that A always tells her the she can't sit with her at lunch and tells the other kids not to sit with Lila.  She has gotten in Lila's face and told her to stop talking to other kids. Apparently A is one of the popular girls and everyone wants to sit with A.  Lila is really upset by this and I just don't know how to handle it.

I told Lila that she shouldn't want to be friends with someone who is mean and bordering on bullying.  I told her that she should sit with people who want to be her friend.  She told me that she doesn't think anyone does want to be her friend except one boy who she plays with at recess and whenever they have free time.  What makes this more upsetting for Lila is that in Kindergarten she considered A her best friend.  They used to play together and always sat together.  Now A is a little asshole to my kid and my kid has to walk around feeling betrayed by someone who used to be her friend. 

I spoke to Lila's teacher and told her that A was being mean to Lila and the teacher said she talked to A and that A admitted what she was doing.  The teacher told her to knock it off.  And for the last couple of days things have been better.  When I asked Lila how school went yesterday she told me that A let her sit next to her at lunch. 

This kind of pissed me off.  I don't know how to express to my kid that she is a perfectly nice kid and that she shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from someone.  How do I make her see that she doesn't need to be accepted by the cool kids to have worth?  Why is the pull to be with the "in crowd" so strong and at this young of an age? 

But this is only part of the problem for me.  My kid doesn't have any girl friends at school.  She doesn't have that one best friend who she hangs out with.  I have encouraged her to get her friends' phone numbers and we can call them up to come over but she doesn't seem to want to do that.  I worry that it is unhealthy that she doesn't have a best friend.  I did at her age.  I had 2 actually.  My friends would come over, we'd drag them along on family outings, we'd have sleepovers.  I want that for my daughter.  I don't know how to encourage her to make friends with someone at school. 

I wonder if this isn't because she is an only child. That leads to mommy guilt and I don't like that at all.  I have never had a lot of friends.  Maybe I am not a good model of how to be friends with someone.  I certainly don't know how to make friends.  The few friends I have are people I have known forever.  I too would like to make new girl friends but I have no idea how to go about it.  How am I supposed to teach her how to do it?

Maybe A will have a change of heart.  Maybe she will feel bad about her behavior and start including Lila in her play.  I doubt it.  I just need to find a way to build my kid up and teach her that she is enough regardless of who wants to sit with her at lunch.

Obsessed

Nothing can ruin a perfectly good movie like having to watch it 42 times in 3 days.

My kid is obsessed with Frozen.  And the movie came out on DVD on Tuesday.  I have since watched the movie at least a dozen times.  I don't want you to think that we have been perched in front of the TV for 4 days because we haven't.  But any time that we are in the house the movie has to be playing.  She knows all the good parts and all the funny parts and all the songs.  She says the lines before the characters.  What is it with kids that they want to watch the same things over and over and over?  Why don't they ever get sick of anything?

From Disney.wiki

It isn't like this is the only thing she is like this about.  There have been songs, TV shows and books that have never lost their appeal no matter how many times she is subjected to them.  In fact it seems that the more she hears/watches/reads them the better they are to her.  I don't get it.  I don't like to watch the same episodes of a TV show repeatedly.  But she does.  There is one show that I DVR all the episodes for her.  There aren't that many so they are all repeats.  And she watches them continually.  That is when she isn't watching Frozen.

With Frozen she became obsessed when I took her to see it in the theaters.  Since then, between her father and her grandmothers she has a collection of Frozen toys and dolls.  She has a Frozen backpack for school and Frozen clothes.  She knows all the words to Let it Go, the song from the movie.  And I don't know how she knows all the words.  She has only heard the song a handful of times. That is, until she got the DVD. Now she knows all the words to ALL the songs.

I don't know how long this little Frozen spell will last.  I am hoping it dies out soon because I find myself humming the songs and getting them stuck in my head.  Then it will be on to the next big Disney thing.
   

It's Been a While

Howdy everyone!  It's been a long time since I last posted.  As some of you may have found out, I was having technical difficulties for a little while there which made my blog totally unavailable but with the help of one of my friends I managed to get the blog back up albeit not quite where it was before.

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I moved out.  Lila and I have adjusted.  And I changed jobs.  I hope to bring you some of the details in a longer post later.

I just wanted to post a little something to tell you all that I am back and I intend to start blogging again here soon.

Telling Lila

Now that I finally have a place to go and I will be moving, we had to come out and tell the kid that we are going to split. 

For weeks I dreaded having to tell her because I thought that she would be totally devastated and damaged by the news and that she would hate me because I am the one moving out of the family home.  I literally spent days having extreme panic attacks knowing that she was going to be traumatized and would never be the same after we broke it to her.

The day came on Friday.  We were getting ready for dinner and I pointed out to Ben that the move is less than 2 weeks away and we did want to give her a little time (but not too much time) to let it sink in so that she could ask questions and be prepared for seeing me pack boxes and pick out paint colors.  And I told Ben that he was going to have to be the one to actually say the words to her because I didn't think I could keep it together long enough to get it out. 

We sat down and he told her we had to have a family discussion.  Then he simply said, "Mommy and I have decided that it would be best for everyone if we lived in separate places..."  He tried to tell her that I am moving upstairs from Grandma and that she will spend plenty of time with both of us but she was lost in her emotions.

She burst into tears.  She hugged me and cried and said that she didn't want to move and that she didn't want me to leave.  She told us that she loved that house and that she wanted us to stay together.  It was seriously the worst, most heartbreaking moment of my entire life.  I mean, what do you do when you know your kid is hurting and it's your fault and you can't do anything to make it better?

I tried my best to stay calm but the tears rolled down my face.  I wanted to tell her to forget it.  That we made a mistake and things would just stay the way they are but I couldn't.  Because even though a part of me really wants to do that and pretend that everything is fine, I know that in the long term everyone will be better off this way.

We sat and attempted to explain to her that she isn't leaving the house and that she isn't exactly moving but as a 5 year old she cannot quite grasp the idea that she will be able to spend equal time with both of us.  The questions ranged from the logical (What if I am with Daddy and I want Mommy?) to the totally random (What if my bedroom misses me when I am gone?).

That night at bedtime she told me she was going to ask me exactly 4 questions about it and that was it.  So she formulated 4 things that she deemed important.  She asked if she was going to go to the same school.  "Yes," I said.   She asked if she could bring some of her things over.  "Of course," I said.  She asked what would happen if Daddy really missed her when she was with me.  "That's what we have telephones and Skype for,"  I said. 

Then she asked if we could get a kitten.  My kid already knows how to milk a situation for all it's worth.  Talk about timing.  How could I say no when I had just totally ruined her life, right?  "We'll see,"  I said.  And that was good enough for her. 

In the following days she talked about it surprisingly little and when I tried to bring it up she just kind of ignored me.  I am going to let her lead on this one.  I figure that once she starts to see the boxes and hears the talk about the move that she will ask more questions.  But she seems far from damaged and distraught.  In fact, she seems downright NORMAL by all standards.  Is it possible that she may be okay after all?  That she will survive this whole process, perhaps a little worse for wear but mostly okay?  As a parent that is all that I am asking for. 

Another thing that sucks

We're splitting up.

After 8 years and God knows how many months of unhappiness, we have decided to call it quits.

I have to say, my feelings about it are mixed.

As many of you know, we are not married.  In many ways this is a blessing because we avoid all the complicated legal stuff and get to just part ways in a somewhat amicable way.  It is also perfect for him because everything is in his name so anything I take with me, I do so because he was kind enough to "let" me have it.  This part really sucks.

As the house is his, I am the one moving out.  I am moving into my parents' second floor flat.  I figure that this will make the transition slightly easier for the kid.  There are a lot of pros and cons to this, including that my mother will be downstairs (both a pro for support and a con because you've read my blog), but I have decided that it is the best move for me to make financially and practically, if not emotionally.  Everything in this house will stay here as Lila will be spending a lot of her time here and he is not willing to give me much of anything.  This means that I have to figure out how I will furnish an apartment on a part-time income until I can find a full time job.

The car is also in his name.  He has not agreed to sign the car over to me even though he told me it was a gift when I was pregnant because he has some plan to trade it and his work truck in for a new work/play vehicle.  He has told me I can "use" it for a few months until I can get something.  I say fuck him and keep working on him giving me the car as I feel it is the least he can do.

The worst part of this whole thing is that I have not yet told the kid.  My feeling is that we wait until a week or two before the move happens so that she doesn't have too much time to worry and she has a little time to ask questions and be reassured.  I dread this conversation.

Lila loves having us all together.  She makes a point to force us into the same room to be with her and insists on doing things like grocery shopping together.  I worry that she is going to fall apart and always cry for the other parent when she is with either one of us.  I worry that she will lose that trusting happy-go-lucky personality and feel like her whole world was turned upside down.  I worry that she will never forgive us.

I came from a household where my parents stayed together just for the kids' sake and remember knowing how miserable and angry they were all the time.  I don't want to do this to her.  But coming from an intact family means that I have no idea what to expect from her in the weeks and months after the split.  I don't know how long she will need to adjust or when I should expect her to stop crying to go "home".

I am not completely convinced that this is the right thing for HER even though I know it is the right thing for her father and I, and even though everyone seems to say that splitting up is better than staying together miserable. I just don't know that this will prove to be the case.

I would like to hear from any of  you who have had the experience of splitting with small children.  How did you get through it?  How did THEY handle it?

Someday I will post again...

The last several months have NOT entirely sucked, and I know you don't want to hear happy shit.  Happy shit is boring.

Eventually I will be back.  Lila starts Kindergarten next week.

I hope you will still be there.

-Selena

No matter what you say, it's a shitty job.

When you become a mother, there are hundreds of things that no one warned you about.  The bleeding nipples, the constant worrying, how you can both love and want to strangle your child at the same time.  For me, ALL OF MOTHERHOOD was a shock because I never really paid attention when people with kids talked before. 

But the thing that I am finding the most surprising, or perhaps the most difficult to deal with is that it has made very clear exactly what my mother did right.  Lately though, it is becoming more and more obvious what she did wrong.  Not that I didn't already go through therapy for a hundred years and deal with all my Mommy blame issues.  Up until recently, I really thought I had forgiven her.  I had decided that I was going to just use what I knew to not make the same mistakes with my child.   And I do a really good job of providing Lila with structure where I had none.

There are plenty of things that I already knew about my mother.  My mother (just like I do) suffered from a debilitating depression through most of my childhood.  Because of this, she had little patience for my greedy desire for attention and would disappear at night to see her friends to be someone else for a few hours and forget her problems.  The depression also made it hard for her to commit me to anything.  No instrument lessons or dance or extra-curricular activities because committing me meant a commitment for her. I also know that she never pushed me, never gave me chores, never taught me to sat goals, never gave me boundaries.  I always just slid by.  I was smart.  I was pretty.  I was a kid and didn't know that I was lacking life skills because I was always able to talk myself out of any setback. 

As a mother suffering from depression, I often find that I am too overwhelmed or exhausted to hear another whiny plea for a toy.  I desperately want to just give in and let Lila watch TV all day and eat whatever the hell she wants because it is REALLY FUCKING HARD to sit there any listen to her cry when I ask her to do the things she needs to do.  But I don't.  Because my job as a parent doesn't allow me to.  And as much as I want to take a handful of Xanax and walk away sometimes, I CAN'T.  I understand the avoidance and withdrawal that my mother needed in order to preserve what little energy her illness left her with each day.  I understand how much easier it would be to just decide I don't really care and just give in.  It is easier to see your child happy than unhappy.  I forgive her for feeling that way.  Because I feel that way every day.

My mother is long recovered from her depression.  She found medication that keeps the worst of it away and has worked out some of her own demons with a therapist.  But here's the thing.  As my child's daycare provider, the person who Lila spends several hours each day, my mother STILL does all these things.  And it fucking infuriates me.

All the things that I demand of my child, all the ways that I try to mould her into a well-behaved, appreciative, cooperative kid is undone every single day.  It seems that each time I pick her up, there is some argument with my mother because she has again disregarded my wishes and given something or allowed Lila to do something I have told her not to.

For example, (and believe me, this is just one) Lila was getting stomach aches.  It occurred to me that she ate grilled cheese sandwiches a lot and those give ME stomach aches.  So I told my mother not to give her any for the entire week to see if she still has stomach aches.  And what did Lila have for lunch THE DAY AFTER I told my mother this?  A MOTHERFUCKING GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.  And when I asked my mother why the hell she gave Lila a grilled cheese sandwich, she shrugged and said, "that's what she wanted for lunch."  I often have to remind my mother that Lila is 4.  She wants an elevator in her bedroom closet and wants to get a pet Lion.  Four year olds are not allowed to make every decision in their lives.  That's why they need babysitters.

Of course, my mother maintains that she does these kinds of things because she is a GRANDMOTHER and that grandmothers are supposed to spoil their grand kids, which would be fine if Lila went over there once a month.  But that's not even the point.  Little things like this only remind me of why as an adult, I have such a hard time with moderation and why I am  (illogically) crushed if I cannot get people to give me the things I want. 

I have posted a few blogs about my mother spoiling Lila, and you will find plenty of examples here,
here, and also here of how my mother refuses to listen to me with regard to how I choose to raise my child.  In her mind, I turned out just fine and so she must have done things right.  BUT I DID NOT TURN OUT FINE!!!  I am selfish (I was given whatever I asked for), I am lazy and unmotivated (there was never an incentive for doing anything or a punishment for not doing it) , I am very smart but cannot finish anything (no one ever made sure I did)  and I have always been an underachiever (how do you push yourself if no one ever pushed you to do ANYTHING you said you didn't want to do?).  Additionally, it never clicked that other people actually SET GOALS for the things they wanted to do and worked toward them until I was 26.  I always just had things "happen" to me.  Don't even get me started about money problems (my parents' view of money and credit are seriously fucking ridiculous - my mother believes in signing up for every credit card that she possibly can, and then maxing them out and making the minimum payments because "I won't be around that long anyway.  I might as well get the things I want now before I'm dead.  NO I AM NOT JOKING). 

(I have already posted about how shitty I am as an adult HERE)

I KNOW that she gave these things to me. I blame her because my father just went along with whatever my mother said.  And at some point in my mid-twenties, I realized that it was no longer her responsibility and it was up to me to try to change these deficiencies.  And I really thought I had forgiven her because when I became a mother (and subsequently a mother with depression), I UNDERSTOOD why she did the things she did. 

But I look at myself with Lila and I can't help but to be angry at my mother.  Because I don't want to have to instill those things in her.  I don't have any idea how to, because I suck at them myself.  In fact,  I want to be left the hell alone most of the time.  But I know what I have to do.  This isn't some transcendental knowledge or wisdom that I have.  This is what fucking parenting is.  It is all about responsibility.  It is about loving someone enough to do what they NEED even of they fucking hate you for it.  It is filled with difficulty and discomfort and headaches and insanity.  But that's all just the basic part of the job.

Why did she do what was easy with me?  And why does she refuse to listen when I try to tell her that love is not just buying Lila toys and letting her throw several blobs of raw cookie dough at the ceiling so she can laugh when it sticks (nope, not kidding about that either).  It is about setting limits so that she knows what to expect.  It is about making sure she is getting the foods she needs to grow and learn and feel good. It is about telling her that you will not tolerate bad behavior because you don't want her to grow up to be a total asshole.  She does not understand this.  She says she does, but she reverts to the things that I described the next day. 

This makes me feel disappointed in her.  I am disappointed that she didn't do better with me.  I am disappointed that she never bothered.  I am disappointed that she thinks love is about temporary happiness, even if it destroys the future potential.  I am just so fucking sad about it. 

Why? on Wednesday - Celebrity Edition

I was really stressing out because I haven't really been inspired to write anything lately.  But I was determined that today I was going to post SOMETHING so I opened up the interwebs and I was blessed when THIS shit graced my home page...

"Actress and vegan diet enthusiast Alicia Silverstone has a strange way of feeding her 11-month-old son Bear Blu. In a video posted on her healthy living website thekindlife.com, Silverstone chews a bite of food and then passes it straight into her little boy's mouth mama-bird style."

When I saw the headline, I had a moment of thinking "Wow, that kid is NEVER going to live that down. Elementary school is  going to be difficult for him."

Then I saw his fucking name. 

BEAR BLU?  BEAR MOTHERFUCKING BLU, ALICIA SILVERSTONE!!! 

Clearly she hates her kid.

As if it isn't bad enough that she named him BEAR fucking BLU, she POSTS A FUCKING VIDEO of her feeding him like a fucking bird. 

I am not offended that feeding her kid her chewed up food is kind of bizarre and gross (because CLEARLY it is).  I mean, I let my kid eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs and really, when you know where that shit comes from it's kind of just as gross. 

And before you go yelling at me for my ignorance, YES! I do realize that before blenders and baby food, mothers did this shit all the time.  And that tribal mothers and mothers in less "western" parts of the world do this all the time.  But seriously, Alicia.  SERIOUSLY...Does he have to fish it out of your mouth with his tongue?  Couldn't you use your fingers or a pair of tongs or something?

What really bothers me is that celebrity parents have no concept that when they make their personal random proclivities public (and SERIOUSLY, what IS it with the ridiculous names) they give their kids just ONE MORE THING that their mean classmates will be able to dig up and torture them with.

I just don't understand what the fuck is it with celebrity parents who purposely set their kids up for a disastrous life of mental illness.  I mean, seriously.  Children of celebrity parents tend to have the deck stacked against them sanity-wise WITHOUT making out with their mothers in a video posted on the internet.

Please, Alicia Silversone.  Think about your son's future. It's fine if you want to practice "alternative parenting techniques" and emulate some !Kung bush mother.  FINE.  Keep it to yourself and your (future serial killer) son.  But for the love of GOD, change his fucking name and stop posting your freaky hippie parenting techniques all over the interwebs for his friends to usen someday as ammunition to bully him into snorting a brick of crack and killing a hooker. 

Unless, of course you are purposely trying to create a superhero (because they all haven horrible traumatic events in their childhoods), and in that case, YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Sick Kid, Broken Mirrors and Sparkles

Lila is sick again.  Last night we ended up taking her to Urgent Care because she had a fever of 103.5 that wouldn't go down with Tylenol.  Turns out she has Strep Throat.  And because I love my kid (don't tell anyone) and wanted to make sure she got her Motrin and antibiotics every 6 hours, I brought her to bed with me. 

There is a very simple reason why I NEVER let Lila sleep in bed with me.  Because although I LOVE the idea of her cuddled up next to me with her little head nestled in the crook of my arm, in reality she wakes me up every time she moves, talks in her sleep and physically assaults me throughout the night.  She literally slapped me in the face THREE TIMES.  IN THE FACE! 

So I am waiting for her to wake up and get the hell out of bed so that her father can watch her all day and I can go BACK to bed and get some sleep.  Which is a shame because it's damn near 70 degrees outside already and it's only 10 am. 

So to amuse you this morning, here is the Sunday Stealing you have all been waiting for.


Sunday Stealing: The Her Head Is Part Missing Meme

1. What is your most annoying habit?

Going online to check my bank balance (or some other really quick little thing) and coming away 4 hours later not knowing what the hell happened.

2. What habit would you change of your partner's?

(I added the apostrophe and it made MUCH more sense...)  All of them?

3. Horrors or Chick Flicks?

Porn?

4. What is the most outrageous thing you have done in the back row of the movies?

Fell asleep.  I saved all my outrageousness for basements and back seats.

5. When have you lied to get a job?

Never.  The Jedi mind trick has never failed me.

 

As you can imagine, that line works like a charm.

6. What one thing is on your list to do before you hit 30, 40, 50 or whatever significant birthday is next?

Convince everyone that I am their savior.  Then sit back and laugh as they formulate a world-dominating religion around me.

7. Classic or modern films and why?

Both because I am not a pretentious "film" asshole. 

8. If you were a vampire who would be the first person you would bite?

Myself if I sparkled. And I would spend the rest of eternity apologizing for being one of the douchy Twilight vampires.

 

 

I couldn't pick which one I liked better.

9. If you had the power to make one thing better, what would it be?

My poor sick kid.

10. What makes a great blog?

Honesty.  And pictures stolen from the Internet with witty captions.  Especially if someone is offended.

(This is what REALLY makes a great blog)

11. What was the inspiration that brought your blog to the blogosphere?

All you need to know is the name of my blog.  No one wanted to admit it and I was like "yeah, well it fucking sucks.  So there."

12. What easily ticks you off (puts you in a bad mood quickly)?

Stupidity, people who can't spit out what they're trying to say, people who ask me what the hell I'm talking about.

13. How many children do you have?

One.  And seriously.  That's more than enough.

 

It's only a matter of time...

 

14. Is there anything you have ever regretted writing on your blog?

No.  Except for some of these answers.

15. What’s your favorite blog post you have written this year so far?

It's been a pretty rough year for writer's block.  I haven't written much.  Maybe this one. Or this one about the non-genderized kid.  Notice they're both angry rants...

16. Do you ever enter other bloggers competitions, and have you ever been lucky?

I don't because I am literally the unluckiest person alive.  Want to hit the lottery?  Ask me to pick 45 numbers and play the ones I don't pick.  Seriously. 

This is how I start my day.

17. If you could be anyone else for the day, who would you choose and why?

Lila.  That kid lives in the lap of luxury.

18. If you could time travel to any period of history what era would you visit?

25 A.D.  I want to see what Jesus was really all about.     

19. If you had to be genetically modified, would you rather have a third arm, a third leg, a second head or some other modification???

I would want a third penis. 

20. Which Disney character can you most relate to?

Any of these guys:

WHY? on Wednesday

With all the wars that we, as a culture seem to be waging, I feel that there is one serious and criminal offense that no one is talking about.  Sure, you've all heard about the war on terror, the war on poverty, the war on childhood obesity, and the war on drugs (how's that been working out?).  But I am here to declare war on something else.

Those terrifying couple's pregnancy portraits. 

Here's how I imagine the conversation went:

Photographer: Let's do something that

      really represents your personalities.

Pregnant Lady: Well, he's a huge baby

      and I am a huge drunk so......

There is nothing cute about them.  Even the more tasteful ones (and I use that term loosely) are fucking awful. 

There is a fine line between THIS one, and
having this next one hanging on your mantle to
make everyone uncomfortable at Christmas dinner:

 It's okay to love your dog....but it's not
okay to LOOOOVE your dog.

Before you attack me and tell me that I am a horrible, unfeeling human being, I want you to know that I GET it.  I understand that this is a special time and that you want to have an artistic representation of this most glorious time in your lives together.  But seriously.  Do you have to do THIS:

or THIS:

or even THIS:

Seriously.  How about if you pull out the digital camera and just take some nice photos with your clothes on and no props and then keep them to yourselves?  Because once you cross that line of putting your most intimate moments on a Christmas card, the law should step in and confiscate the photos forever. 

Don't think anyone would do it?

I am sure 2nd cousin Danny was
thrilled when this came in the mail.

And it isn't really just the couple's portraits.  There are some serious mishaps with the pregnant ladies alone too:

Someone should rescue her!  She must have opened a
meteor like Stephen King did in Creepshow!

Children of the Corn?

I am  not alone in my distaste for these awful photos.  There are entire websites devoted to this stuff.  And if there are enough people out there who want this insanity to stop, then perhaps you should think twice before you pull out the mop and broom and pose for with your significant other with your gigantic belly sticking out.

Seriously.  A MOP?

Just to further prove my point, I present the following:

Who are we showcasing here?

Whose idea do you think this was?

They clearly have been training for the zombie apocalypse.

I'm just saying....