Catholic Guilt

As many of you know, Lila goes to a Catholic school.  We made that decision basically because I went to Catholic school and the public school option for where we lived was not a very good one academically.  Well this year (2nd grade) Lila is making her first communion.  Along with that, she has to make her first penance (or confession for those of you not hip to the Catholic lingo).  So for 14 weeks, every Sunday, she has to go to classes to learn about making her first penance and communion.  One of the requirements is that she go to mass every Sunday during this time.  This means that every Sunday, I have to go to mass during this time.

I am not what you would call a practicing Catholic.  Honestly, I don't think I believe in God at all.  So taking her to mass every Sunday is kind of a stretch for me.  Part of me loves the pageantry of it.  I love the big open church, the stained glass windows, the priest supposedly turning a cracker into the body of Christ.  It reminds me of childhood days spent going to church with my class during the school day.  But I spend a lot of my time in church sitting there wondering how anyone really believes this stuff.  And then the Catholic guilt kicks in and I find that I feel somewhat lost in that I don't have a set of beliefs to get me through those tougher times.

Lila, as far as I can tell, believes in God and Jesus and the Virgin Mary and all of that.  But honestly it isn't something we ever talk about.  It just never comes up.  Even with her making her first communion and having to go to classes on Sundays, she has never once come to me to discuss anything that she is learning about religiously.  So I have no idea if she knows what the 10 commandments are or if she feels that she is a sinner. 

I remember being very upset to learn that we are all born with original sin on our souls.  That we are marked as sinners before we even learn to speak.  This is one of the beliefs of the church that I have a real problem with.  My daughter doesn't know enough to sin.  I really have no idea what she is going to tell the priest when she goes into that little box for the first time.  I imagine that she will tell him that she got sassy with me once or twice or that she told a little lie.  I think she may do what I did and make some stuff up just to have something to talk about while she is in there. 

I often feel that I am supposed to be bringing up God and Jesus to her.  Like there are times when I could use them to my advantage.  Just like the Elf on the Shelf, I could threaten her with "God is watching you" when she misbehaves and perhaps that would make her stop whatever annoying behavior she is doing at that time.  But I don't believe in God enough to threaten her with him. 

I just read an article over at Bluntmoms.com (you can read it here) where the writer confesses to being a closet atheist and that was what got me thinking about my beliefs.  I just don't know what I believe.  I don't know that I ever really did believe everything that they taught me in Catholic school.  I think I always doubted.  I always asked questions about the validity of the Bible and the possibilities of redemption.  I was no doubt influenced by my parents' lax attitude toward the church and their lack of faith. 

I just hope that Lila believes something.  Because I envy people who have that faith that can carry them through tough times.  I wish I had something like that.  Some belief in a higher power that makes sense of the awfulness that happens in life.  I honestly hope that she feels some sense of connection to God so that she has the benefit of faith in her heart and for her soul.

School troubles

I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been absent for nearly a year.  I am going to address that by explaining that I have had computer problems and been busy with a full time job. 

But what I want to talk to you about today is school troubles.  Particularly little girl problems.  More specifically mean girl behavior aimed straight at my kid.

Lila is in 2nd grade now (I know, right?).  She likes school.  She does well and her teacher has told me that she is a pleasure to have in class.  Her teacher also told me that she is always willing to lend a helping hand or offer a hug to her classmates  She said that Lila doesn't seem to have time for all the little girl drama that goes on in the class and because of this Lila tends to be a little bit of a loner.

But lately Lila has been saying things that break my heart.  She told me that one of the little girls, who we will simply call A, has been being mean to her.  She says that A always tells her the she can't sit with her at lunch and tells the other kids not to sit with Lila.  She has gotten in Lila's face and told her to stop talking to other kids. Apparently A is one of the popular girls and everyone wants to sit with A.  Lila is really upset by this and I just don't know how to handle it.

I told Lila that she shouldn't want to be friends with someone who is mean and bordering on bullying.  I told her that she should sit with people who want to be her friend.  She told me that she doesn't think anyone does want to be her friend except one boy who she plays with at recess and whenever they have free time.  What makes this more upsetting for Lila is that in Kindergarten she considered A her best friend.  They used to play together and always sat together.  Now A is a little asshole to my kid and my kid has to walk around feeling betrayed by someone who used to be her friend. 

I spoke to Lila's teacher and told her that A was being mean to Lila and the teacher said she talked to A and that A admitted what she was doing.  The teacher told her to knock it off.  And for the last couple of days things have been better.  When I asked Lila how school went yesterday she told me that A let her sit next to her at lunch. 

This kind of pissed me off.  I don't know how to express to my kid that she is a perfectly nice kid and that she shouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from someone.  How do I make her see that she doesn't need to be accepted by the cool kids to have worth?  Why is the pull to be with the "in crowd" so strong and at this young of an age? 

But this is only part of the problem for me.  My kid doesn't have any girl friends at school.  She doesn't have that one best friend who she hangs out with.  I have encouraged her to get her friends' phone numbers and we can call them up to come over but she doesn't seem to want to do that.  I worry that it is unhealthy that she doesn't have a best friend.  I did at her age.  I had 2 actually.  My friends would come over, we'd drag them along on family outings, we'd have sleepovers.  I want that for my daughter.  I don't know how to encourage her to make friends with someone at school. 

I wonder if this isn't because she is an only child. That leads to mommy guilt and I don't like that at all.  I have never had a lot of friends.  Maybe I am not a good model of how to be friends with someone.  I certainly don't know how to make friends.  The few friends I have are people I have known forever.  I too would like to make new girl friends but I have no idea how to go about it.  How am I supposed to teach her how to do it?

Maybe A will have a change of heart.  Maybe she will feel bad about her behavior and start including Lila in her play.  I doubt it.  I just need to find a way to build my kid up and teach her that she is enough regardless of who wants to sit with her at lunch.

Obsessed

Nothing can ruin a perfectly good movie like having to watch it 42 times in 3 days.

My kid is obsessed with Frozen.  And the movie came out on DVD on Tuesday.  I have since watched the movie at least a dozen times.  I don't want you to think that we have been perched in front of the TV for 4 days because we haven't.  But any time that we are in the house the movie has to be playing.  She knows all the good parts and all the funny parts and all the songs.  She says the lines before the characters.  What is it with kids that they want to watch the same things over and over and over?  Why don't they ever get sick of anything?

From Disney.wiki

It isn't like this is the only thing she is like this about.  There have been songs, TV shows and books that have never lost their appeal no matter how many times she is subjected to them.  In fact it seems that the more she hears/watches/reads them the better they are to her.  I don't get it.  I don't like to watch the same episodes of a TV show repeatedly.  But she does.  There is one show that I DVR all the episodes for her.  There aren't that many so they are all repeats.  And she watches them continually.  That is when she isn't watching Frozen.

With Frozen she became obsessed when I took her to see it in the theaters.  Since then, between her father and her grandmothers she has a collection of Frozen toys and dolls.  She has a Frozen backpack for school and Frozen clothes.  She knows all the words to Let it Go, the song from the movie.  And I don't know how she knows all the words.  She has only heard the song a handful of times. That is, until she got the DVD. Now she knows all the words to ALL the songs.

I don't know how long this little Frozen spell will last.  I am hoping it dies out soon because I find myself humming the songs and getting them stuck in my head.  Then it will be on to the next big Disney thing.
   

It's Been a While

Howdy everyone!  It's been a long time since I last posted.  As some of you may have found out, I was having technical difficulties for a little while there which made my blog totally unavailable but with the help of one of my friends I managed to get the blog back up albeit not quite where it was before.

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I moved out.  Lila and I have adjusted.  And I changed jobs.  I hope to bring you some of the details in a longer post later.

I just wanted to post a little something to tell you all that I am back and I intend to start blogging again here soon.

Telling Lila

Now that I finally have a place to go and I will be moving, we had to come out and tell the kid that we are going to split. 

For weeks I dreaded having to tell her because I thought that she would be totally devastated and damaged by the news and that she would hate me because I am the one moving out of the family home.  I literally spent days having extreme panic attacks knowing that she was going to be traumatized and would never be the same after we broke it to her.

The day came on Friday.  We were getting ready for dinner and I pointed out to Ben that the move is less than 2 weeks away and we did want to give her a little time (but not too much time) to let it sink in so that she could ask questions and be prepared for seeing me pack boxes and pick out paint colors.  And I told Ben that he was going to have to be the one to actually say the words to her because I didn't think I could keep it together long enough to get it out. 

We sat down and he told her we had to have a family discussion.  Then he simply said, "Mommy and I have decided that it would be best for everyone if we lived in separate places..."  He tried to tell her that I am moving upstairs from Grandma and that she will spend plenty of time with both of us but she was lost in her emotions.

She burst into tears.  She hugged me and cried and said that she didn't want to move and that she didn't want me to leave.  She told us that she loved that house and that she wanted us to stay together.  It was seriously the worst, most heartbreaking moment of my entire life.  I mean, what do you do when you know your kid is hurting and it's your fault and you can't do anything to make it better?

I tried my best to stay calm but the tears rolled down my face.  I wanted to tell her to forget it.  That we made a mistake and things would just stay the way they are but I couldn't.  Because even though a part of me really wants to do that and pretend that everything is fine, I know that in the long term everyone will be better off this way.

We sat and attempted to explain to her that she isn't leaving the house and that she isn't exactly moving but as a 5 year old she cannot quite grasp the idea that she will be able to spend equal time with both of us.  The questions ranged from the logical (What if I am with Daddy and I want Mommy?) to the totally random (What if my bedroom misses me when I am gone?).

That night at bedtime she told me she was going to ask me exactly 4 questions about it and that was it.  So she formulated 4 things that she deemed important.  She asked if she was going to go to the same school.  "Yes," I said.   She asked if she could bring some of her things over.  "Of course," I said.  She asked what would happen if Daddy really missed her when she was with me.  "That's what we have telephones and Skype for,"  I said. 

Then she asked if we could get a kitten.  My kid already knows how to milk a situation for all it's worth.  Talk about timing.  How could I say no when I had just totally ruined her life, right?  "We'll see,"  I said.  And that was good enough for her. 

In the following days she talked about it surprisingly little and when I tried to bring it up she just kind of ignored me.  I am going to let her lead on this one.  I figure that once she starts to see the boxes and hears the talk about the move that she will ask more questions.  But she seems far from damaged and distraught.  In fact, she seems downright NORMAL by all standards.  Is it possible that she may be okay after all?  That she will survive this whole process, perhaps a little worse for wear but mostly okay?  As a parent that is all that I am asking for.