Because Kids Can Be Assholes Too.

I really enjoy my days off.  Thoroughly.  I like sitting at home.  I like watching TV.  I like spending quiet peaceful time doing nothing and maybe even taking a shower.  But my one weekday each week that I don't work I spend with Lila. And in order to keep from losing my mind, I try to find something to do that she will enjoy that doesn't involve me sitting on the couch with the inter-webs open all day.

Lila loves books and the library and she knows everyone who works at the small branch library near our house so she is always thrilled when I tell her we are going to go to story time.  Yesterday, when I asked her if she wanted to go, she was all thrilled and excited and sang a song about how she was going to pick out some books and hang out with Mrs. Barbara, the story time librarian.  I told her what time it started and what time I would be getting her dressed.  I gave her a five minute warning so that she would be "finished" playing. 

About 30 minutes before the start of story time I called upstairs to her.  "Lila, it's time to come on down so we can get ready to go."  I got no answer.  So I went upstairs.  She was in her room playing with her dollhouse and I called her name.  She ignored me.  So I turned around and said, "well, we don't HAVE to go to story time.  We can stay here and you can play if you want to." 

It seemed innocent enough but she lost her mind at this.  First she started whining.  When I told her to stop whining she started to scream and throw a fit.  I talked calmly to her explaining that story time is starting at 10 am whether we are there or not, so if we want to go we have to get ready to go NOW.  She started her wild flailing around screaming "I DON'T WANT TO GET READY RIGHT NOW!" to which I simply said, "Fine, Lila.  You can stay here and throw a fit then.  Let me know when you're done."  She was kicking ans screaming and throwing herself on the floor.  Then she hit her head on her dresser and started crying, so I went back in and attempted to calm her down.  We talked again, and again I explained that if she wants to go to story time she needed to get dressed and we had to get going.  I explained that this was her CHOICE to either stay and play OR get ready and go to story time.  She simply said, "NO".  At least three times, I attempted to calm her down and explain the situation, but each time I only got more attitude and sass. 

She was getting more and more upset and I was getting more and more frustrated.  I realized that the best thing to do was to put her in her room, close the door and walk away.  So I did.  She came out screaming (tantrum-ing) and I told her to get her ass back into her room because I was getting angry, but she started screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO STORY TIME NOW!!!" over and over and over. 

"That little asshole," I thought.  "I'm taking HER somewhere where SHE wants going to have fun.  What the hell am I fighting with her for?  She totally doesn't understand that this is something I couldn't care less about.  And yet, she is creating this fucking scene and I am falling for it.  And I am a terrible parent because I have no idea how to handle the situation and show her that I am the mother and I am only doing this FOR HER..."

So I lost it.  I started yelling at her that she was being a total brat and there was no way I was taking her to story time now that she was behaving so badly.  She cried and cried and cried and screamed and threw a fit, and somehow all of this seemed too much for me so I went into my bedroom, slammed the door, and the floodgates opened and I found myself sobbing.  "We're not fucking going and it's NOT my fault," I cried to myself.  Somehow I felt guilty that I couldn't control her and keep it together and just make it possible to get her dressed to take her to story time. 

After a few minutes, I heard my door creak open.  I hadn't noticed that she had stopped crying and was listening to me.  She crept in and I tried to dry my face.  But she knew.  I turned to look at her and saw her panic stricken and scared and then that expression changed and she said, "you're making me cry..." and she started crying and hugging me. 

So in the aftermath, I explained to her that from this point on, if we are going to do something fun and she throws a fit and doesn't listen, we simply will not do it.  But I swear, spanking or slapping would probably work better.  When I was a kid, if I ever acted like that, I would have been slapped in the mouth and then I would have knocked that shit off after a minute or two and we could get the hell on with our plans.  Why is parenting such bullshit nowadays?  And why do I feel it's necessary to take her anywhere if she is such an asshole about it?

I know nothing about children

Seriously.  I am an idiot when it comes to small humans.  I had no younger siblings, I didn't do a whole lot of babysitting as a teenager, and I was never one of those people who just LOVED children.  It was actually quite a surprise to me that I would even have one.

The other night, we all went out to eat and Lila was complaining that her "mouth hurt".  It's a pretty vague complaint and since she just sat there and whined and refused to eat and also refused to elaborate in any way about exactly WHAT hurt, I just ignored her and kept telling her to eat her (Goddamned) dinner.  We got home and she was tired and miserable so I gave her some Tylenol and put her to bed.  She was up all night being miserable and crying.  She threw up once and I thought, "Maybe she has a stomach bug."  I slept with her and let her kick and nudge me all night.  Neither of us got much sleep which sucks because I am battling my own sinus infection that just will not go away.

First thing in the morning, I decided to give her a bath.  She was fevery and refused to eat breakfast or take Tylenol and I truthfully just wanted her to stop whining for a few minutes.  When I got her shirt off, I realized that she was BRIGHT RED.  Seriously.  Her whole torso, front and back looked like she spent 3 hours out in the sun.  It was JUST her torso and the back of her neck and I thought it felt warm so I figured it must just be from the fever.  After a 20 minute bath (where she informed me that she felt MUCH better) the redness didnt even begin to subside, even though her skin was no longer hot. 

Her back was like the middle one, her
front was like the one on the right..
and bumpy-ish.

I dried her off and thought, "wow.  Her skin sure is dry.  I better put some lotion on it."  A few minutes later, she was crying and miserable again and still refused to eat anything. I started to think that MAYBE the bright red skin and the sore throat might be somehow connected so I called the doctor requesting a call back just to ask about it. 

When the nurse called me back, I told her about the lack of appetite, the fever, the "mouth hurting" and the fact that she was bright red.  The nurse asked if her skin felt scaly or sandpapery and I said, "why yes..but it's just dry."  She told me to bring Lila in right away...she probably has Scarlet Fever and a Strep Infection. 

I was suddenly the worst mother on Earth.  Lila has a STREP INFECTION and STREP THROAT and I was just writing it off as "not feeling good."

Part of this I chalk up to my lack of knowledge of childrens' illnesses, and part of it I assume is because although I am a hypochondriac, rationally I know that most of the time it's nothing.  But what I really blame this oversight on is the fact that I have no health insurance.  When you don't have insurance, there are only two options.  Either you go to the terrifying health clinics that are located in the worst parts of town or you wait until you are near death to make a doctors appointment.  On a Saturday, when the clinics aren't open, you tend to do the latter.  And you rationalize this decision by telling  yourself, "I'm sure it's nothing".

You will be happy to know that LITERALLY 24 hours after starting her antibiotics, Lila is acting like nothing ever happened.  She is eating and playing and tellling me "I don't feel sick anymore today."  Later on, I am going to take her for ice cream.

So...about making 2011 my bitch...

HOLY SHIT, I am so sick.  I had a cold that was brought home to me from a certain someone's preschool, but it has hung around and mutated and turned into some kind of monsterous inside my head, behind my eyes demon that causes throbbing, painful ears, and inabilty to talk or swallow without crying.

But as soon as the antibiotics kick in, I am about to bitch slap the world into my image.

IT'S OVER!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

Like most of us, I cannot WAIT to get my holiday decorations put away and forgot about.  But for a three year old, there is no limit to how long one can go on singing The Chipmunk's Christmas Song over and over and over and over...

The tree is gone.  The new clothes have all been washed, and yet every time I turn around I hear ..."I still want a hoooooola hooooop...."

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

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