I was really stressing out because I haven't really been inspired to write anything lately. But I was determined that today I was going to post SOMETHING so I opened up the interwebs and I was blessed when THIS shit graced my home page...
"Actress and vegan diet enthusiast Alicia Silverstone has a strange way of feeding her 11-month-old son Bear Blu. In a video posted on her healthy living website thekindlife.com, Silverstone chews a bite of food and then passes it straight into her little boy's mouth mama-bird style."
When I saw the headline, I had a moment of thinking "Wow, that kid is NEVER going to live that down. Elementary school is going to be difficult for him."
Then I saw his fucking name.
BEAR BLU? BEAR MOTHERFUCKING BLU, ALICIA SILVERSTONE!!!
Clearly she hates her kid.
As if it isn't bad enough that she named him BEAR fucking BLU, she POSTS A FUCKING VIDEO of her feeding him like a fucking bird.
I am not offended that feeding her kid her chewed up food is kind of bizarre and gross (because CLEARLY it is). I mean, I let my kid eat chicken nuggets and hot dogs and really, when you know where that shit comes from it's kind of just as gross.
And before you go yelling at me for my ignorance, YES! I do realize that before blenders and baby food, mothers did this shit all the time. And that tribal mothers and mothers in less "western" parts of the world do this all the time. But seriously, Alicia. SERIOUSLY...Does he have to fish it out of your mouth with his tongue? Couldn't you use your fingers or a pair of tongs or something?
What really bothers me is that celebrity parents have no concept that when they make their personal random proclivities public (and SERIOUSLY, what IS it with the ridiculous names) they give their kids just ONE MORE THING that their mean classmates will be able to dig up and torture them with.
I just don't understand what the fuck is it with celebrity parents who purposely set their kids up for a disastrous life of mental illness. I mean, seriously. Children of celebrity parents tend to have the deck stacked against them sanity-wise WITHOUT making out with their mothers in a video posted on the internet.
Please, Alicia Silversone. Think about your son's future. It's fine if you want to practice "alternative parenting techniques" and emulate some !Kung bush mother. FINE. Keep it to yourself and your (future serial killer) son. But for the love of GOD, change his fucking name and stop posting your freaky hippie parenting techniques all over the interwebs for his friends to usen someday as ammunition to bully him into snorting a brick of crack and killing a hooker.
Unless, of course you are purposely trying to create a superhero (because they all haven horrible traumatic events in their childhoods), and in that case, YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.