Friday, March 2, 2012

Because Wildlife Sucks.

We have a squirrel problem. 

Last winter we started hearing scratching in the walls and would randomly have a brown squirrel peeking through the window of our bedroom taunting the cat to come get it.

The squirrel was living in the space above the ceiling of our front porch and we put out a humane trap to catch it.  We scattered a few peanuts and apple slices inside the cage and thought for sure that we'd get him.  But the squirrel was smarter than us. 

That little fucker managed to get ALL the food out without ever stepping foot into the trap not once, but 3 nights in a row.  On the 4th night we put out a whole apple, figuring that he would HAVE to go in to get it because the apple is too big to be pulled out.  In the morning, half the apple was in the cage and the cage was shut, but the squirrel was no where to be found.   

Ben's first thought was to get a BB gun, but I insisted that he call a squirrel catcher to come get it.  We searched online and everything I read said that squirrels are EXTREMELY hard to get rid of.  Ben reminded me of our former (obviously bat shit crazy) neighbor who told us that the squirrels will come back year after year and that she ultimately had to trap them (you may want to look away now) and drown the entire family of them in a barrel.  But we don't really have a lot of random barrels and I also think that borders on completely psychotic. 

I begged Ben to just call an exterminator so that the nest could be removed properly so that they didn't come back next year.  But since Ben is a manly and clearly he can patch a hole better than anyone else who has ever had a squirrel problem, he decided he would take care of it. 

Ben went up and patched the hole the squirrel was using as a foyer and waited.  Nothing.  No sound, no squirrel.  Done.  Right?

The next day, the squirrel was back rabidly gnawing at the patch trying to get in.  It was not deterred by the water we sprayed it with or the rocks we threw at it.  Ben had a guy working on our house doing some painting and it literally chased him into the house.  The squirrel was completely freaking out. 

This is from  Seriously.

That night at about 3 am, we found out why.

We started to hear this awful screeching noise.  It sounded a little like the noise a washing machine makes when one of the belts is faulty except not continuous.  It would happen for a few minutes and then stop.  Ben thought that the squirrel was standing outside our window screaming but it didn't take long for me to diagnose that the screaming was coming from inside the bedroom wall.

The squirrel had babies.  And now the babies were dying inside our wall. 

This was when I was in the trenches with my depression and the wailing squirrel babies were too much for me to take.  I was pretty sure that we were going to burn in hell for killing the baby squirrels and the sound was gut-wrenching.  I cried until morning and sent Ben out as soon as the sun came up to unpatch the hole.  We would have to wait until we knew the babies were gone.

Several days went by, and one day we were getting Lila into the car and we saw the squirrel doing something extremely creepy.  If you've never seen a squirrel climb down the side of a house with a black squirrel baby coming out of its little squirrel mouth, please know that it is the stuff of nightmares.  The thing LITERALLY walked down the side of the wall with the baby squirrel curled up with it's little back legs wrapped around mama squirrel's head.  I still have nightmares.

This was GREAT!  We waited another couple of days and it was time to patch that sucker back up. 

Summer came and went and so did fall.  We had no problem.  The rabid asshole squirrel seemed to have found a happy home elsewhere and was no longer burrowing into our walls.  We actually kind of forgot about it and were making plans to put siding and a roof on the house in a few weeks. 

Usually I am not home in the middle of the afternoon, but a couple of days ago my mother had a doctors appointment and I was home with Lila.  I was in the bedroom when I heard that familiar scratching sound. 


I looked out out bedroom window to see if I could see it gnawing at the top of the porch but I couldn't.  So I ran outside and looked up and saw this gigantic fat black squirrel (not to be racist) giving me the eyeball while standing up on it's hind feet like a furry Clint Eastwood. 

It didn't look like this.

It looked like this.

But it wasn't the terrifying monster squirrel that caught my attention.  The squirrel had gnawed a gigantic hole into the side of the house.  Not the little corner where the original hole was.  This is gaping squirrel sized hole on the SIDE OF MY HOUSE.  I have no idea how the hell a squirrel manages to defy gravity and work on the actual WALL OF THE HOUSE but this guy did. 

I begged Ben at this point to PLEASE just call a squirrel exterminator (ex-squirrel-inator) to take care of the problem once and for all, but he insisted he would take car of it that day.  He didn't.  After mentioning it every for 2 weeks (and being accused of being a nagging bitch every time), yesterday I finally found the phrase that would motivate him to get his ass up there and patch it (because you know that there's no way that I am climbing up on a ladder and confronting giant rabies squirrel myself).  "Do it before it has babies in there!"

Today when I came home from work (I get out at 2 on Fridays), he was on the ladder with several pieces of wood and a tool belt.  Very official looking.  

As I got out of the car, it crossed my mind, but I am always the little dark rain cloud who thinks the worst and I tried not to say it but I did anyway.  "You're sure the squirrel isn't in there, right?"

He confidently told me that he hasn't seen or heard it all day so it MUST be gone.  "It could just be sleeping in fact, the fact that it isn't scampering around out here snapping tree branches with its heft is a good indication that it is NOT gone..."  But I didn't say THAT.  I just dropped it.

Ben declared victory and went back to work. 

Boy I did NOT enjoy having to call him an hour later and tell him that the squirrel is now trying to claw its way out of the wall.  And he got all fucking mad!  At the squirrel!!!  Like he didn't just decide to take a shortcut (many).

Am I allowed to say "I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!!" 


  1. Next time, just use a BB gun on the bastard (the squirrel, not the husband). If you let that one live, eventually he will just be living in your house while your couped up in a hotel room out of fear.

  2. Next time, just use a BB gun on the bastard (the squirrel, not the husband). If you let that one live, eventually he will just be living in your house while your couped up in a hotel room out of fear.

  3. Aaaahhhhh! This SO reminds me of the time we had ground squirrels burrowing under our house (which, I never knew squirrels lived anywhere else but trees...?) Which we would cover over with heavy rocks and sand and even at a few desperate times our dogs POOP, and they kept burrowing out under the house...i think at one point we may have flooded the area with water. They are stuuuuuborn, persistent little twerps and yeah, I have also heard they can be HARD to get rid of. Im no animal LOVER, but I would have had my blessing on drowing those pests. As soon as something starts mesding with my sleep (my babies and children are an exveption) you're gone! & by gone I mean dead. Buh-bye!!


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