Friday, December 23, 2011

Why I (Don't) Love Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and here at my house,
I have one antsy kid and an exhausted spouse.

The baubles keep getting knocked off of the tree
by a fat asshole cat who clearly has a death wish.

 
Fu** this!  Writing poems is actually REALLY hard. How do people rhyme things for a living???

Instead I will expose why people get so depressed in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I know this from VAST experience with the subject...

Ideally:


The tree is big and lush and sparkles perfectly with all the ornaments perfectly spaced.  The house is lightly scented with the aroma of pine and we sit around at night marveling at the beauty of it all.


Reality:


We apparently got our tree too early.  Ben insists on a real tree and even though we watered it religiously, it is drooping and drying out.  The ornaments that looked so perfect when we first put them on are now all sort of grouping together where the heavier ones and pulled the branches down to the lighter ones.  Instead of noting the beauty of the lit-up tree, I am being driven insane by the amount of new needles strewn all over the floor for 30 feet in every direction every time I finish sweeping a pile up. 


............................................................................

Ideally:


Baking cookies, assembling gingerbread houses, crafting heart-felt gifts and doing volunteer work to show how much we love our friends, family and community.



Reality:


Working more hours to have enough cash to buy crap that no one is going to use.  This means that when I have time off all I want to do is sleep, but I force myself to stay awake and manage to complete the basic tasks of running a house with enough time to spare to shower once in a while.  All that other crap will have to wait.

..........................................................................................

Ideally:


In lieu of being able to craft beautiful hand-made items, instead, I go out shopping in a cheerful mood, spreading joy to every store I walk into by wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season, and picking out the PERFECT gift for each person on my list that I just know they will love.


Reality:


Fighting through a bunch of assholes in a store to find that the only thing I could think of to get Ben's mom is out of stock and the next closest model is way out of my price range.  Instead I get a standard, one-size-fits all gift:  a scented candle, and when I get to the register the clerk has had enough of this bullshit and needs a break so she angrily rings up my order without saying a word.  I spend the days until Christmas feeling unsatisfied with every gift I bought and regretting every dime I spent.  At some point while shopping, I also inevitably spend 20 minutes arguing with some asshole in line behind me about the fact that the cashier is part of a huge conspiracy to take the "Christ" out of Christmas, and explaining to him that the Pilgrims actually banned Christmas and that the idea that there is a war on Christmas is fucking stupid.

...............................................................................................

Ideally:


Christmas dinner is a time when everyone in my family and all my aunts, uncles and cousins sit around a giant table with a fireplace in the background and talk about all the wonderful things we have been doing since last Christmas while listening to Christmas music playing softly in the background.



Reality:


Only 4 people show up to Christmas dinner because someone owes someone else money or slept with someone's wife, and so no one is willing to sit in the same room with each other.  An uncle invariably drinks a little too much and starts a fight with my dad over who gets the last serving of chocolate cream pie.  The police are called and the kids cry inconsolably while they watch my uncle get carted away in a police car.

......................................................................................


Ideally:


Lila wakes up in complete awe at the fact that Santa has come and there are heaps of beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree.  Every time she opens a present it is EXACTLY what she wanted and for weeks after Christmas she is amused and enjoys every item staying occupied and content.


Reality:


After the momentary awe of waking up in the morning and being thrilled at the prospect of presents, Lila tears through the wrapping with a "wow" for the first few items and gradually getting bored opening things.  After opening all her toys, she leaves them all where she opened them and rounds up all the ribbons and bows and plays with them for 3 hours.  Two days later she asks for a new toy.

...........................................................................................

Ideally:

After having Christmas dinner and getting the house back in order, I take a few minutes with Lila and Ben to relax on the couch and talk about how everyone got something they wished for and how fortunate we are, because we know that not everyone has family or love or the ability to provide nice things for the ones they love. 

Reality:

This one is spot on. 

Merry Christmas everyone.





Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My gift to you

Since I am feeling too insane, stressed out and angry about Christmas being imminent, rather than my usual hijink's, I am going to post some of my favorite Christmas related crap that I've collected on in my documents over the years from all over the web.

You'll have to forgive me for not crediting the sources.  A few of these were downloaded back in 2004.  Literally. 

The birth of Jesus...Lego style.



SOOOOOO true.


*wink*


 

Completely not Christmas related. I just want to kill this bitch.

Well Merry Fucking Christmas to you too, kitty.

Now you know what's going on at the remaining Occupy sites.
If you EVER see me in a pic like this, I want you to impale me
on a shovel.


Because religious restrictions should never get in the way
of a good deal on ham.

The war on Christmas is REAL!!!
Is it wrong that this is one of the statements I relate to best out of
all the Christmas crap I have seen over the years?

I'd hit that...
Finally:





Sunday, December 11, 2011

Holiday Newletter - a rough draft

I want to start this by saying that I mean no offense to anyone who ACTUALLY sends out holiday newsletters.  I am sure that yours are much more creative and delightful than the ones that I seem to get every year. But seriously.  Most of these things only provoke eye-rolling and snickering in my house.

That being said, I thought it was imperative that I work on a Because Motherhood Sucks Holiday Newsletter right away.  Here is the first draft:




Dear Friends, Relatives, and People I Only Know from Facebook:


It sure has been a (literally) CRAAAZY year here at Because Motherhood Sucks! First of all, I want to say a super-big MERRY CHRISTMAS!  Since I am at the forefront of the war on the (completely real) War on Christmas, I want to make sure you know that I say have to say Merry CHRISTmas because I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was a Pagan or a Jew or (God forbid) a secret Muslim (I don't want to say that word too loud for fear that saying it will make me catch it, just like the gay).


The war on Christmas is REAL!!!
Once again it is that wonderful time of year where we take a moment in between decking the halls and going door to door caroling to look back at the last year and and regret celebrate the spectacular failures joy that I have been subjecting you to lucky to share with you all, here at Because Motherhood Sucks. 


Early in the year, Lila went through a rough patch and after I rescued her heroically from a bout of Scarlet Fever she was back to being the psychotic devil spawn  perfect and infallible child that makes my heart swell with joy (or whatever you call this) .  Along with all the viral infections  wonderful new knowledge she was bringing home from preschool, she also developed quite a natural talent for performing. I know that all mothers brag about their children but Lila has perfected the art of   screaming learned how to sing like an injured cat ANGEL floating on a cloud and dipped in butter.  She also apparently has a natural acting ability and flair for drama.  In fact, I believe that she has given some truly Oscar-worthy performances in the last several months.   


"IIIIIIIIIIIII'M DREEEAMING of a
WHIIIIIIITE Christmas...."
Besides being OBVIOUSLY talented, Lila has truly worn down my will to live come a long way this year. In July she turned four, which means that she's a year closer to moving out on her own she's such a diva big girl and is becoming more and more obnoxious independent.  She worked really hard to get me to put her up for sale overcome some major fears. She has started reading and I am positive that within the next year she will be working her way through Machiavelli and Camus.  Between our awful FANTASTIC neighbors and all the unwilling new friends we made, I think Lila would agree that this year didn't suck so much after all. I sincerely loathe enjoy this time of year and can't wait to see Lila Christmas morning when she greedily tears into sees all those presents under the tree!


Over here on MY side of the blog, I received plenty of hate mail wonderful awards from my fellow bloggers and was featured on an episode of America's Most Wanted a couple of websites!  I made lots of new stalkers blog friends and always look forward to getting completely hammered reading all your comments every day.   I even learned some new cocktail recipes and spent a great deal of time trying new vegetables.  


If you don't remember this pic,
click on the link above
As many of you know, I spent several months trying not to kill anyone working up to my breakdown vacation and I finally got to spend a week at a top-notch resort where I ate fabulous food, got plenty of rest and relaxation, and met some of the most literally psychotic INTERESTING people I have ever met.  Boy was THAT a much needed break! 


So from Because Motherhood Sucks, here's to hoping you aren't smothered in debt come January your holidays are filled with tons of liquor happiness and joy, and that your new year is better than this year was is happy and prosperous.


Can't wait until it's over
Merry Christmas!

Selena @ Because Motherhood Sucks.

Let's just pretend this is my family photo.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, that's my kid...

"You know what happens to Rudolph if I don't get my dollhouse, right?"

Monday, December 5, 2011

BWAAA HAA HAA HAA HAAAAA!

Soooo....a couple of months ago (when I was on internet vacation) one of my favorite bloggers over at From Diapers to Diatribes bestowed an award upon me that is truly the award I have been waiting for.  I suppose it's better late than never.

As you all know, world domination is one of my fantasies, so this is completely AWESOME!!!


This award allows me to change ANY 3 things I want to, IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.   After much careful consideration, I have settled upon the following things:

1.  Effective immediately, children will work by remote control until they are old enough to understand that the Mommy is in charge and they can't do anything about it.  Have a headache and your kid keeps singing the theme song to Spongebob?  Simply hit the VOLUME-DOWN button.  Temper tantrum?  MUTE.  Need 15 minutes to yourself?  PAUSE.  And the best one...At bedtime simply turn the power off.

2.  Any time you are out in public and someone is acting like an asshole, you get to call for everyone's attention and take a vote as to whether or not the person deserves to be backhanded for their douchy-ness.  If necessary, you and the douchbasket can each make a short statement. If the majority votes yes, you can slap them.  I believe this will greatly improve the public behavior of all of us.



3. Dumb, mind-numbing websites will have a built-in 30 minute time limit.  Seriously.  Do you know how much time I spent reading Damn You Autocorrect this morning?  And there is NO REASON to spend more than 10 minutes at a time scrolling through Facebook updates or playing Farmville.  Of course, blogs that have actual WORDS in them are excluded from this rule. 

Now the hard part:  I have to decide who I want to give this award to...

I cannot wait to read your changes!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Elvis, Satan and the F-Word

Another Sunday Stealing Extravaganza!

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Stop being a bunch of douchebags. 

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Eliot Spitzer.  I have a thing for smart guys who do dumb things.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
The Isle of Man.  Not because it's awesome of anything.  It just has a fantastic name and a flag that makes NO sense:

Are those LEGS???
4) What do you think about most?
I spend a lot of time talking myself down from my murderous rage.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?
Elvis just after the 1968 Comeback Special.  That's my favorite Elvis.




6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
The first year of Motherhood.

7) What's your strangest talent?
*wink* Let's just say I couldn't demonstrate it in public.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?
Does size really matter?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
I would never date a guy who did.  YUCK.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I only play air harp.

11) Do you have any strange phobias?
Fear of accidentally punching someone because they're stupid and I couldn't control myself.  What's that called?

12) What's your religion?
Is there one where napping everyday is considered essential?

13) What is your current desktop picture?
Some crap that came with the computer.

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Trying to get back inside.



15) What's the last song you listened to?
The theme song for Clifford.  It's always party time around here.

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
Probably Radiohead.  But if we're talking about who has the most awesomely themed albums it's these guys:



17) What was the last lie you told?
Wow.  I am totally interested in your truly stupid thoughts.

18) Do you believe in karma?
Yes.  I obviously really f**ked up last time around.

19) What is a saying you say a lot?
This is NOT Grandma's house and I am not Grandma.

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness: None.  I am a bundle of fabulous.  Strength: Spotting bullshit from a mile away.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?
Brian Cox, Astrophysicist


22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.
Burn. (can be taken either way)

23) How do you vent your anger?
By posting passive aggressive blogs?

24) Do you have a collection of anything?
I collected hearts until recently.

25) What is your favorite word?
FUCK!!!


Friday, December 2, 2011

The Shit List is back.

I am in a foul mood lately.  It might be because of all the Christmas music that is being subliminally transmitted in my brain to make me feel guilty about not feeling all "Christmas-ish".  In order to get that much more into the holiday spirit, I am going to just put a bunch of annoying things on notice. 

First up, Haircuts. Since I moved back to Upstate NY 4 years ago, I haven't had a good haircut. The last time(earlier this week), I wanted to cut my shoulder-length hair short so I showed the lady this picture:


I always, ALWAYS hate the way they style it, so when I looked in the mirror and saw myself with short hair, I figured it was just the gel (yes, GEL.  Welcome back to the 90's) the lady put in it and that would look super cute once I got home and did it myself.  I showered and blow dried my hair and this is what I looked like:


I have been to 4 different places and no one seems to be able to do what the students at the Tony and Guy academy in Phoenix could do.  And they were still learning!

Next on the Shit list are My ghetto "friends" on Facebook, who feel the need to play out all their super-ghetto drama RIGHT THERE ON the Facebook. Seriously.  NO ONE cares about your ex- boyfriend's drug charges or your cousin, who (did the world a favor and) ratted you to DSS for getting your teenage daughter high. Especially if it is going to lead to a 43 comment battle between you and the person you intended your passive aggressive comment for.  Here's a little quiz for you:
Do you know why our parents' generation would never put their business out there for the neighbors to see?  No, not because they're lame and there was no Facebook.  It's because they aren't assholes and they knew their neighbors would just think they were trashy.  (Yes, I realize some of us have parents who probably WOULD do this.  I guess I am thinking about NORMAL parents).



Next up:  The commercial I heard today.   I was driving today and heard a commercial on the radio that said, "If you give a tablet or smart phone this Christmas, the person you give it to will know that you REALLY get them."  And my immediate reaction is that are really only a few situations where someone gives a $500 tablet or a $300 smart phone are as follows:
  • Parents giving it to their teens, in which case they will NEVER feel you REALLY get them,
  • A spouse or boy/girlfriend giving one to a significant other in which case THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WITH THEM! Or
  • A guy trying REALLY hard to get into a girl's pants.  Hey, I'm not judging.  You go girl!
  • A "friend" who gives extravagant gifts, in which case please friend me on Facebook. 


Finally, there's my kid.  I know that there is strong evidence that indicates that children "KNOW" when something is off with one or both of their parents.  This causes them to throw hissy-fits and be total assholes when you are least able to handle it.  A few weeks ago I would have told you that Lila had magically transformed into a perfect little well-behaved model child. And then one day while we were having lunch, she bit her tongue and turned into Satan.  Yup.  Just like that.  And she has been behaving like a caged animal who wants out ever since.  You know why? Because I have been really stressed out at work and am exhausted when I come home.  She knows.

But here's the question:  If they KNOW that you are not really feeling at your best, then why don't they act WELL BEHAVED when you are stressed out, and like animals the rest of the time when you don't mind it so much?  What the hell, Darwin.  Shouldn't that be a survival skill that would prove beneficial to their species?  Maybe then mother hamsters wouldn't eat their babies.  This just proves that kids are stupid.



Of course this is no where near a comprehensive list, but I have to go and attend to my screaming kid now.